Now, I'm not actually sure that I would implode or whether I would explode, but I'd hope for the implosion so as to not make the mess that explosions tend to make. But this morning, I am feeling as though I will implode at some point in the not too distant future. I apologize ahead of time if this post is a bit of a gripe session/mental health correction. The implosion would not be the fault of others, just of myself. I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist - which is a bit funny when you realize just how slow of a triathlete I am... of course, I am constantly reminding myself that I went from where I was to where I am now in less than a year and I've only been actually doing triathlons since January 2009. Being a perfectionist is hard on one's psyche. You forget about all the good things you do and only see the flaws or where the good should be improved or better or well, perfect. It's a mess is what it is. I realize it's not healthy and that unless someone is going to die because of my imperfection (which is not likely), it really doesn't matter. Yet somehow I work myself up to these implosion scenarios about twice a year. I think I very well am approaching that point and am working to defuse my little bomb.
First, I'll talk about the good stuff before getting to all the ways that I am not reaching my insane standards of perfection. We had a nice weekend.
Friday at Disney was fun, although I overslept and thus did not get to my swim workout that morning. When we did get there, the girls and I melted down after standing in the blazing sun for the castle party show that we always have to see. (Mr. Darcy and Ladybug are obsessed with it. Ladybug cried when we said we'd see the princesses first and then come back to the point that we watched the show before we did anything else.) They were messes and I became a mess. 4 minutes in the a/c, we were all sane again and sweet as pie.
The rest of the day was a lot of fun, until about 8 when the afternoon rain showed signs that it was not going to let up in time for the parade and fireworks and the children melted down again. So, having seen the show, met the princesses, ate lunch, rode It's a Small World, the Carousel, the Carousel of Progress, saw the Laugh Floor with Mike Wizowski (and Angelfish was the audience version of Boo for the comedy... super cute), played in Donald's boat, the girls rode their 1st rollercoaster - Goofy's Barnstorm (which made me a little nauseas... Angelfish loved it and Ladybug did not), had frozen lemonade, later had ice cream, saw the Hall of Presidents (well, Ladybug and Mr. Darcy saw the show in its entirety, Angelfish had to be removed), wandered a bit, and finally tired we went home.
Ladybug was sweet because in her full fledged meltdown about not getting to see fireworks in the car, I ended up sitting in the 3rd row of seats to hold her hand and Angelfish's hand, but I didn't have a seat belt on. After I asked Mr. Darcy to drive carefully so I wouldn't end up through the windshield, Ladybug insisted I put on my seat belt so I could be safe (all through tears). I put it part way on (it's a 2 part process that keeps me from holding hands comfortably if fully secured), and she insisted that I put it all the way on because she loved me and wanted me to be safe.
Saturday I had my Provisional Junior League Retreat, which was interesting and I enjoyed getting out and meeting some nice ladies and learning about what Junior League does in the community, etc. I'm not sure why but I was sweating alot. It may because of the training and muscle rebuilding... I'm not sure, but hopefully no one else noticed because I had rings under my arms and I was wearing a sleeveless top. Don't want to be remembered as the sweaty one.
After the retreat, I came home and played with the lovely ladies who were in an interesting form since they didn't have a nap during their day with Daddy. Ladybug tattled on Mr. Darcy without realizing it and I found out he gave them cookies and a lollipop all in one day. Insanity, but then no sleep and sugar are always (NOT) a good idea for 3 year olds.
Then Mr. Darcy and I had date night. We were both so exhausted and have been so busy that neither of us had planned anything. We went out in our shorts, t-shirts and flip flops and didn't even care. We had sushi which was good, but the service has kind of gone down hill. Never good. Then we tried to go to a movie but nothing caught both of our attention. Mr. Darcy suggested putt-putt but I wasn't really in the mood for that either. Bowling is an arm and a leg near us, so that was out too. So, we wandered around Best Buy, bought some video game, and then went for ice cream. We ate ice cream and chatted until we were getting eaten by bugs, so we went home. We are just wild and crazy, let me tell you. I think I fell asleep shortly after the babysitter left.
Sunday I woke early (or at least attempted to) and was out of the house for my 8 mile run around 6:45. I really did not want to be running. I wanted to be back in my bed all snuggled up with Mr. Darcy. I even told myself that I didn't care how I got the 8 miles done, whether running, walking or crawling, but that I was already on the road so I might as well get them done. I ran almost the entire 8 miles, probably walking about 0.3 or 0.4 miles of it. The walking was only because my cleaning kit for the camelbak has not yet arrived so I had a bottle of gatorade in the pack part of the camelbak along with my gels and I couldn't quite figure out how to take the gels and drink out of the camelbak, eat and drink, and put everything back without walking. Thus the walking. I was pretty proud of myself for 1) drinking and eating on the run even if I was technically walking at the time because I often ignore nutrition on the run... it sure makes you feel better when you use it; and 2) going 8 miles because it was the longest run of my life (shows you what a couch potato I've been leading up to now); and 3) running to begin with when I REALLY just wanted to stay in bed. I got home and Angelfish was up watching "Word World" with her Daddy, Ladybug was still in bed. A 13:12 pace for the run, which wasn't bad since I didn't want to be running, I walked during fueling, and my left leg muscles seized up from the end of mile 1 to the start of mile 4 and I ignored it the best I could, all while keeping myself in zone 2 for the run.
After cleaning up and having shower friends in Angelfish and Ladybug who jumped in with me, and getting us all dressed, we headed to play tennis with the little ladies. It was adorable. They loved trying to hit the ball with their new Dora tennis raquets that Mr. Darcy bought them. Afterwards was lunch and shopping for new sneakers for the girls and some clothes for the Fall (since the sales were on), then to Sports Authority for cleats (size 10c - super cute... the cleats are pink!) for soccer and another soccer ball (they each need one for practice). Home to watch a little tennis and so I could put together the grocery list, and then Mr. Darcy and Ladybug did our grocery shopping and brought home Publix subs for dinner while Angelfish and I stayed home and played. Bubble baths for the girls and then bed time. Some meltdowns here and there because the girls didn't nap, but at least there were no parental meltdowns except over the fact that Sports Authority didn't have a size 9c for Angelfish. We bought the 10c and are keeping the receipt in case I can find a pair on line between now and the 1st soccer practice in 2 weeks.
This morning it took forever to get the girls ready for school. Ladybug didn't want to go so she refused to get up, get dressed, used the potty, etc. She was so contrary that when she did pee in the potty and I congratulated her, she told me she hadn't gone. I only heard her empty her entire bladder, but whatever. Angelfish was pretty good about getting ready, but when we got to school she melted down because she didn't want to go to the new room, she wanted to be with Ms. W. By the time I left, she was ok. Ladybug on the other hand was right as rain and talked with her new teacher and friends. So, this morning's swim workout hasn't happened. If I get a chance to take lunch today (I usually don't on Mondays... they're busy!), I'm going to swim. So, here I sit in my swim suit and workout clothes - just in case.
The weekend fun and errands may have fueled part of my perfectionism issues. First and foremost is the fact that lately with all the training I'm doing, I don't spend as much time as I could otherwise with my girls. I miss spending some of that weekend time, especially. Thus, feelings of being a not so good Mommy have surfaced. Second, I'm tired every night. Heck, most days by 3 pm, I'm tired and could use a nap (yes, I think I'm not eating enough). That makes me feel like I'm not being the greatest of wives either because I'm sleeping and not spending time with Mr. Darcy. Third, I skipped my training, which in light of the not so good Mommy feelings would seem to settle me down on that issue, which in some ways they do, but then they raise the "how are you going to finish the race if you don't do the training?" Not like I'm skipping training left and right, but we're talking about the silly pressure I put on myself about things. So then I'm worrying about whether I'm training enough. Then I start worrying about my weight. If I'm not training enough am I going to gain weight? But, then I'm not really eating enough daily as it is, so am I gaining pounds because of muscle development or because my body thinks I'm starving? Why am I not eating enough/right? Because I just don't get hungry that often. And then lately when I'm eating I'm not always eating what I should because I'm stressing and cookies taste better when your stressed. So when I am eating, I'm not eating overly great (although it's probably better than most people... except for the cookies and/or ice cream). Then on top of that, I'm adding Junior League which while I think is very important for me as a person so that I can have friends, be social and be involved in community service is yet another thing that will take me away from my children and my husband. Yet the triathlons and the Junior League potentially make me happier and a happier me is a better wife and Mommy. Then there's the fact that I would like nicer clothes so I look appropriate for Junior League meetings and I haven't shopped in forever except for here and there and don't have a great wardrobe, but then I don't want to spend money especially since I'm not losing weight although Mr. Darcy mentioned that I look really good and my muscle tone is seriously more improved. Not to mention that I have all these new medicines and vitamins to be taking and I turn 34 on Wednesday and am feeling like an old woman. Mr. Darcy teasingly said I'm like a pharmacy - I have 4 things I take in the morning and 4 other things I take at night. I haven't gotten my blood work back about the Cushing's Disease yet and it's been a week and making me crazy because I just want to know one way or the other, and I'm really hoping that there will be no brain surgery involved or steroids that make you puff up. There's a good bit of prep for a seminar I'm giving in September that I need to do with work, and somehow there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day which is probably why there are times lately that I just wish the 70.3 was over and done with already. AHHHHH!
I think there is too much in my brain. A good swim might help clear it. If not, maybe tomorrow's 6 mile run will help. If only I had one of those things from the Harry Potter books where you could empty your mind of certain memories, but mine worked for thoughts. That would be lovely... and I bet it would keep human beings from imploding.
In the end, I am still an optimist so I know that all will workout just fine. I just have to keep working on not worrying about it all and just living in the moment. I know this is true, especially when I read posts about cancer treatments, or living (so absolutely amazingly) with the results of a plane crash, or finding out someone you know has an unexpected pain killer addiction. As stated in another blog I read: "Life is Good. LiveStrong!" Or as I sometimes say to remind myself of these very thoughts: God doesn't give us what we can't handle... I just sometimes wish God didn't think so highly of me! And really, what I'm handling right now could always be so much worse. No matter how bad it gets it can always be worse, and no matter how good it gets my little pea brain finds a way to think of a way it could be better.
It is true: Life is Good, even with forecasts of implosion.