... means we're on a collision course with Christmas and New Year's!
I started yesterday with a 4 mile run to try to work off some of Thanksgiving. Not too shabby with an average of an 11 minute mile pace, while doing 9/1's. Today was a 20 minute stint on the stationary bike (7.8 miles) followed by weight training, and 1/2 a mile run/walk at the end. It was to be a 2 mile easy cool down run at the end, but my calf wasn't cooperating. So I listened to my body and stopped. The calf is good but it's not quite 100%. It's getting there though, so we don't want to reverse the healing trend.
I plan to get up early tomorrow and do a little bit of speed work before heading out on my road trip to Atlanta for work and some fun when I'm not on the clock. I may not get to post while I'm away, but I'm sure I'll have something to post when I get back.
Somewhere over the holiday weekend, I decided that there are a few things that I want to do. You can call them Pre-New Year's Resolutions or whatever you want. But it's my action plan all the same.
The first of these is to really pay attention to the joy and fun that my children can and do bring to my life. So before I get to the rest, here are a couple of things overheard from the kiddies the past few days:
1. Ladybug: "Oh no! Goldilocks ate my porrige and is in my bed! Call the Police!" Angelfish: "Don't worry! I'm a girl police!"
2. Angelfish (after being told Santa might not want to bring her a motorcycle for safety reasons): "I'll be very careful. I'll only ride it on the road and I'll hang on real tight because I don't want to fall off!"
3. Ladybug: "I am NOT babe. I'm (said her full name). But you can sometimes call me Ladybug!"
4. Angelfish: "We just saw a reindeer in the backyard, Mommy! He must be checking on us for Santa." (It was a regular deer without antlers...)
5. Ladybug: "I'm hungry. (lifts up shirt to show belly button) My tummy says, 'give me something healthy and good to eat - quick!"
They really are pretty funny!
Next, is to find a few moments of peace to meditate and release tension etc. at the end of each day. Right now the work day ends, I rush off to get the kids, rush to make dinner, play with the girls, get the girls in bed, talk to Mr. Darcy, and fall into bed. No wonder I feel tense a lot.
Find joy in happiness in what I have, instead of focusing on the parts of life that aren't as "good." I used to be a really positive person. I'm still positive but not quite like before. I'd like to get that part of me back.
Have more fun - even doing my everyday stuff. I'm hoping to find a way to make life more fun by making the mundane items of every day more interesting.
Take better care of myself. I already try to workout to take care of my body and my health. I try to eat healthy (although Thanksgiving weekend may have undone all of the weight that I had lost), but I need to really focus on this more (she says after remembering the store bought pizza she put in the oven for dinner last night). Get my butt out of bed earlier each morning and make sure I start my workouts on time so I can shower before work. (Easier said than done.)
Dress better.... not just whatever I grabbed to throw on, but go back to taking pride in how I look each day. (Even if no one but the daycare ladies and the family see me that day.) Wear make up. Blowdry my hair. All the things I used to do when we lived in Atlanta because I wouldn't be seen sloppy or unkept - I never knew who I was going to run into.
Be a better wife. Instead of getting into pajamas and into bed after the kids go to bed, I need to try to stay in an upright position so I can have meaningful conversation and be a good listener to Mr. Darcy. I fell asleep on the poor guy last night as he was talking about all the stressful stuff he has going on right now... which is not what he needs. I'm trying to help him find ways to deal with his stress and I go and make him feel like I'm not there for him because I can't even stay awake. Yes he's cozy and his voice is soothing, but it's still no excuse. I'm supportive at all other times (at least to the best of my ability), but come night time and I'm out.
Be a better Mom. I am a pretty good Mom, but I let myself get frustrated when the girls aren't doing what I want them to do. Does it really matter if they put their socks and shoes on before eating yogurt instead of after like they want instead of when I want them too? I need to learn to pick my battles. I'm good at loving on my kids too, but I tend to want it my way on my time frame and in my order of doing things (sounds a bit like Ladybug, doesn't it?) and when the girls don't comply (even if they do what I want in a different way on a different time frame) I get all worked up. I've learned to pick my battles on these things with Mr. Darcy over the years, so now I'm going to work on it with the girls. No more of the mentality that I am the parent and thus they must put their shoes and socks on at the moment I want, yogurt (or whatever else) be d@mned. This isn't to say that I won't be keeping discipline, but just doing it with the idea that I don't control them. Instead I need to teach them and help them grow into wonderful, successful, kind and caring individuals. Plus it will help with decreasing my own stress. I mean really, why does it matter when the little things happen as long as they happen?
Accept my body for what it is. I've never been good at this one. Even before I had children, I was always finding something that needed work. It's been hard to accept that I will never be the size 4 that I was before getting pregnant. Or even the same sort of size 10 that I was before we found out I had PCOS and returned to being the size 4 I had been in college and high school. Now I have pretty nice looking legs, a nice rear and back, decent arms, and a stomach that starts at my ribs and angles outward and that I can lift and move because of all the stretched out skin I have from being pregnant with twins. It's funny actually. If you look at me straight on, I look good - I have an hour glass shape - until I turn to the side and there's that stomach, which is why I fall apart when someone asks me if I'm pregnant. I am coming to accept that it's not going anywhere (other than when I lift it up to make that flat stomach in the mirror). I took the first step this weekend. I went through my entire closet and my dresser and tried every item of clothing on, including the stuff that I've been hoping to someday get back into. If it didn't fit or didn't look good on me, it went in a pile for donation (save 3 things - one no one else can tell that it doesn't fit right and it still looks good; the other 2 are very close to fitting right). My closet is pretty empty and the pile is pretty big. I was holding on to a lot of the past. Now my job is to slowly shop and buy things that make my body look good the way it is, not the way I want it to be.
Accept my new city as my new home. I am going to find ways to get to know Orlando more, and to find what I want, where I live now. I am going to stop comparing it to Atlanta. It's hard to do - the arts, the culture, the shopping, etc. I loved my life in Atlanta and I will always hang onto my friends there and keep the wonderful memories of living there. But I am making the decision right now, that Atlanta is no longer my home. Orlando is now my home, and to make it my home I need to get to know it. So I'm going to try to get to know the different areas and what there is to do where. There is no symphony here, which was one of my favorite things to go and do in Atlanta, so I'm going to have to find some other cultural aspect of the city to explore and enjoy. I'm not sure how to go about doing this, but I'll be keeping my eye out for an Orlando guide that's not just all about the theme parks - and maybe taking jaunts on the weekends to scope things out.
I have so much to be Thankful for, and that is what Thanksgiving showed me. It also made me realize that I can do more in my life to accept all the goodness that I have in it. The action list was born even if I didn't realize it until I started writing this post...
While I'll be in Atlanta this week and part of the weekend, next weekend is the girls' night party here in Orlando, a 5K Reindeer Run Saturday morning, and I'm thinking that if the girls' earn enough red tokens we'll take them to see the new Disney "Princess and the Frog" movie. We have to get them to see Santa at some point too. Angelfish wants a motorcycle for her and for Ladybug, a book for Mr. Darcy, and a pretty present for me. Ladybug wants a candy cane, a book, and a toy. But I can't wait to hear what they actually tell Santa they want...
So straight on to Christmas!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
As you can tell from the past few posts, I've been a bit low lately. This morning's news that another friend is having cancer problems, this time melanoma, made me hate cancer all the more.
Yet there is something inside of me that is seeking out the happiness in my life. I'm starting to see it everywhere and the happiness is infectious. I rather like it. I'm finding it in the littlest of things. Like reminding the girls that if they are good listeners today they will get to help me make the pumpkin pie tonight and their responses. Angelfish, "once we make it we can eat it all up!" Ladybug, "I like pumpkin but I don't like pumpkin seeds, but I really like pumpkin pie." Or discovering that a new friendly acquaintance randomly knows of my friend J, K, and my friendly acquaintance L and that K is her vet too and now she's making sure she comes to the little holiday party we're having. Or asking Coach if she wants to come over for Thanksgiving dinner and realizing I have no plan as to a time we're going to plan to eat. Or the fact that you can convince a 3 year old that peach colored underpants are "thanksgiving color" and that makes them all the rage, to the point you have to find the only other pair of peach colored underpants for her twin sister. Or the fact that Mr. Darcy is now convinced that he needs to work out at least 30 minutes everyday because he doesn't want to get shingles again and that perhaps if his doctor, his Dad and I all think this is a good idea that maybe it really is something he should do. Or that Coach too has a tough time getting that shower in between working out and work sometimes too. Or laughing because even though you aren't going to get to see any family members (other than Mr. Darcy and the little ladies of course) you realize that your friend J's family Thanksgiving on Saturday is something you really like going to (we went last year too) and is almost like a new little family made of friends. Or that happiness that only your children can give you when they hug and kiss you and want to keep kissing you instead of going to school and you have to convince them that they can give you more kisses after school so Daddy won't be late for work. Or that one 3 year old tells the other 3 year old who has just passed gas that she needs to "spray your stinky!" in reference to air freshener; and the 1st 3 year old responds, "but I said excuse me!"
Happiness is all around us, even in the stinkiest of times, we just have to open our eyes to it. And somewhere I have been walking around with my eyes only partially open. I am opening them wide and letting all that happiness show itself from now on.
So here is a list of things that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed!
1. For Mr. Darcy, how much we love each other, and how he can make me laugh and even frustrate the heck out of me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. For Angelfish who dazzles with her smile and her silliness and then amazes with her brillant intelligence, and whose laid back personality make life fun.
3. For Ladybug who despite being ornery and stubborn has a subtle sense of humor, a smile that lights up the room, and a creative yet orderly way of thinking and who is super smart too.
4. For Heather and Lauren, my 2 girls from college who I know are there for me no matter the miles between us - through thick and thin and everything in between.
5. For "Belle" and "Craftgirl" my ATL triplets who make me smile and who are my buds through and through. And who I can't wait to see in a few days!
6. For Jen, my lawschool friend who has made me feel like family from the moment we met and even more so now that we are both in Orlando together. I seriously doubt I would have been able to adjust to Orlando nearly as well without her. Not to mention she's the one that told me she heard an ad for Team in Training on the radio...
7. For Coach and Training Buddy who have become my friends, and not just because of Team in Training and our love for all things triathlon, but because they're real and not only do they talk but they also listen.
8. For my parents, without them I wouldn't be who I am. I love them with all my heart and wish I could make their lives easier than it is right now.
9. For my in-laws, who have been good to me and wonderful grandparents to the little ladies.
10. For my house, even though sometimes I feel stuck here when I don't get out enough, there really isn't anywhere else I'd want to feel "stuck." It is one of the most comfortable places I've ever been and I believe that something spoke to us when we saw this house and we just knew we wanted to live here. Besides, there are so many who are homeless that having shelter is a true blessing.
11. For my job, it lets me pay the bills and provide a good life for my family.
12. For Team in Training, it gave me a love for triathlon while helping me feel like I was doing something about cancer.
13. For Angela's Dad, her friend (and now my friend) Liz, Angela's husband, and Angela's sister. I always knew you all indirectly through Angela, but now I love having you as a more direct part of my life. It's almost as though Angela gave me the gift of you all. This time of year will always be hard for us, especially December, but I know that Angela is pain free and happy in heaven... and hopefully putting in a good word or two with the Big Guy Upstairs so we'll get to hang out with her again when its our time.
14. For Angela who keeps me company on a regular basis. Not in the same way she did while living, but in little things that make me think of her the way she was before Cancer. The fact that I read a book, see a news report, hear a song, etc. and I think of her. Not to mention the times when I hear her telling me stuff in my head. No, I'm not crazy. I just know what she'd say and sometimes that advice, joke, etc. is what I need to hear.
15. For all the gifts God has given me - physically, mentally, emotionally, and the fact that I am alive and kicking.
16. For sorrow, it's normal to feel it and it shows that I am compassionate and love others.
17. For faith in God, without it I would have never made it through so many things that I have gone through in this life. Because I believe that God would not bring me to it if He could not bring me through it. I can do all things with God's help.
18. For all the material blessings I have - I have clothing, food, cars, a home, and extras that make my life easy compared to so many. I just hope I have the good sense to help others with it, not just helping myself.
19. For my brain. I'm smart and that's one of my sources of pride because I can figure out what to do in almost every situation, even if I might get a little weepy or pissy from time to time.
20. For the ability to swim, bike and run... especially while raising money for cancer research and to help those with cancer, and to do it for those who can't. Not to mention all the thanks I owe for all the wonderful people I have met and the places and things I have done while living the Tri lifestyle.
21. For Missy and Geni, who both made me feel welcome, supported and inspired to do and be more from the moment I met them.
22. For all the things that I cannot think of and that I take for granted. I am blessed that they are so obvious that I take them for granted.
23. For this blog, which perhaps has been the best form of mental health therapy for me over the past year or so and which has introduced me to others who blog about life and tri stuff and who have seemed to become part of my life through the written word, encouragement, and commentary. Even if that silly counter still says no one reads it when I know otherwise. : )
24. For the opportunities this world has to offer, even those that I'm not aware of or that I haven't taken. Who knows what door might open next?
25. For hope, because without it I wouldn't have realized how amazingly good life is and how amazingly wonderful people are. People are angels in our lives when we least expect it.
May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Count your blessings, my list isn't exhaustive - it's just the start. Life is good... be sure to share it with those you love!
Yet there is something inside of me that is seeking out the happiness in my life. I'm starting to see it everywhere and the happiness is infectious. I rather like it. I'm finding it in the littlest of things. Like reminding the girls that if they are good listeners today they will get to help me make the pumpkin pie tonight and their responses. Angelfish, "once we make it we can eat it all up!" Ladybug, "I like pumpkin but I don't like pumpkin seeds, but I really like pumpkin pie." Or discovering that a new friendly acquaintance randomly knows of my friend J, K, and my friendly acquaintance L and that K is her vet too and now she's making sure she comes to the little holiday party we're having. Or asking Coach if she wants to come over for Thanksgiving dinner and realizing I have no plan as to a time we're going to plan to eat. Or the fact that you can convince a 3 year old that peach colored underpants are "thanksgiving color" and that makes them all the rage, to the point you have to find the only other pair of peach colored underpants for her twin sister. Or the fact that Mr. Darcy is now convinced that he needs to work out at least 30 minutes everyday because he doesn't want to get shingles again and that perhaps if his doctor, his Dad and I all think this is a good idea that maybe it really is something he should do. Or that Coach too has a tough time getting that shower in between working out and work sometimes too. Or laughing because even though you aren't going to get to see any family members (other than Mr. Darcy and the little ladies of course) you realize that your friend J's family Thanksgiving on Saturday is something you really like going to (we went last year too) and is almost like a new little family made of friends. Or that happiness that only your children can give you when they hug and kiss you and want to keep kissing you instead of going to school and you have to convince them that they can give you more kisses after school so Daddy won't be late for work. Or that one 3 year old tells the other 3 year old who has just passed gas that she needs to "spray your stinky!" in reference to air freshener; and the 1st 3 year old responds, "but I said excuse me!"
Happiness is all around us, even in the stinkiest of times, we just have to open our eyes to it. And somewhere I have been walking around with my eyes only partially open. I am opening them wide and letting all that happiness show itself from now on.
So here is a list of things that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed!
1. For Mr. Darcy, how much we love each other, and how he can make me laugh and even frustrate the heck out of me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. For Angelfish who dazzles with her smile and her silliness and then amazes with her brillant intelligence, and whose laid back personality make life fun.
3. For Ladybug who despite being ornery and stubborn has a subtle sense of humor, a smile that lights up the room, and a creative yet orderly way of thinking and who is super smart too.
4. For Heather and Lauren, my 2 girls from college who I know are there for me no matter the miles between us - through thick and thin and everything in between.
5. For "Belle" and "Craftgirl" my ATL triplets who make me smile and who are my buds through and through. And who I can't wait to see in a few days!
6. For Jen, my lawschool friend who has made me feel like family from the moment we met and even more so now that we are both in Orlando together. I seriously doubt I would have been able to adjust to Orlando nearly as well without her. Not to mention she's the one that told me she heard an ad for Team in Training on the radio...
7. For Coach and Training Buddy who have become my friends, and not just because of Team in Training and our love for all things triathlon, but because they're real and not only do they talk but they also listen.
8. For my parents, without them I wouldn't be who I am. I love them with all my heart and wish I could make their lives easier than it is right now.
9. For my in-laws, who have been good to me and wonderful grandparents to the little ladies.
10. For my house, even though sometimes I feel stuck here when I don't get out enough, there really isn't anywhere else I'd want to feel "stuck." It is one of the most comfortable places I've ever been and I believe that something spoke to us when we saw this house and we just knew we wanted to live here. Besides, there are so many who are homeless that having shelter is a true blessing.
11. For my job, it lets me pay the bills and provide a good life for my family.
12. For Team in Training, it gave me a love for triathlon while helping me feel like I was doing something about cancer.
13. For Angela's Dad, her friend (and now my friend) Liz, Angela's husband, and Angela's sister. I always knew you all indirectly through Angela, but now I love having you as a more direct part of my life. It's almost as though Angela gave me the gift of you all. This time of year will always be hard for us, especially December, but I know that Angela is pain free and happy in heaven... and hopefully putting in a good word or two with the Big Guy Upstairs so we'll get to hang out with her again when its our time.
14. For Angela who keeps me company on a regular basis. Not in the same way she did while living, but in little things that make me think of her the way she was before Cancer. The fact that I read a book, see a news report, hear a song, etc. and I think of her. Not to mention the times when I hear her telling me stuff in my head. No, I'm not crazy. I just know what she'd say and sometimes that advice, joke, etc. is what I need to hear.
15. For all the gifts God has given me - physically, mentally, emotionally, and the fact that I am alive and kicking.
16. For sorrow, it's normal to feel it and it shows that I am compassionate and love others.
17. For faith in God, without it I would have never made it through so many things that I have gone through in this life. Because I believe that God would not bring me to it if He could not bring me through it. I can do all things with God's help.
18. For all the material blessings I have - I have clothing, food, cars, a home, and extras that make my life easy compared to so many. I just hope I have the good sense to help others with it, not just helping myself.
19. For my brain. I'm smart and that's one of my sources of pride because I can figure out what to do in almost every situation, even if I might get a little weepy or pissy from time to time.
20. For the ability to swim, bike and run... especially while raising money for cancer research and to help those with cancer, and to do it for those who can't. Not to mention all the thanks I owe for all the wonderful people I have met and the places and things I have done while living the Tri lifestyle.
21. For Missy and Geni, who both made me feel welcome, supported and inspired to do and be more from the moment I met them.
22. For all the things that I cannot think of and that I take for granted. I am blessed that they are so obvious that I take them for granted.
23. For this blog, which perhaps has been the best form of mental health therapy for me over the past year or so and which has introduced me to others who blog about life and tri stuff and who have seemed to become part of my life through the written word, encouragement, and commentary. Even if that silly counter still says no one reads it when I know otherwise. : )
24. For the opportunities this world has to offer, even those that I'm not aware of or that I haven't taken. Who knows what door might open next?
25. For hope, because without it I wouldn't have realized how amazingly good life is and how amazingly wonderful people are. People are angels in our lives when we least expect it.
May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Count your blessings, my list isn't exhaustive - it's just the start. Life is good... be sure to share it with those you love!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
A New Day
Today seems like a new day for some reason, like a new start on something. What the something is, I'm not really sure. It's almost like I woke up some something more than sleep this morning, although it sort of came on little by little as my early morning progressed.
Mr. Darcy definitely has the shingles and is taking his 1 g of Valtrex three times a day like a good boy. I feel badly for him because it hurts (and it's none to pretty either, but there were worse pictures on the net). As he said yesterday while laying on the couch, "This will be a fun Thanksgiving for me." The poor guy. He decided to go in to work today though. At the very least to work the day in the office and bring work home that he can do from home tomorrow while resting. Although, I have a feeling he'll end up back in the office tomorrow.
Mr. Darcy's Dad sent a nice email yesterday telling Mr. Darcy that he needs to not internalize his stress so that he ends up with shingles on a regular basis and that he needs to workout more than just tennis twice a week. He also said that I needed to help Mr. Darcy make sure he relaxes and isn't always on the go so much. The problem is that I honestly cannot take on more of the child rearing or household stuff than I do already without seriously imploding. If I take on more then I cannot workout or have a social life (not that I have an overly active social life as it is) at all because I'm doing everything I can while working full time and doing what my body needs physically. As it is, I don't usually have time to shower after working out and starting work each morning. I don't do any personal shopping, and squeeze my personal hygeine hurriedly either during a lunch break or right before I go get my children from daycare. I feel terrible that I cannot take more of the burden off of Mr. Darcy, but I just can't do it.
In fact, this morning, I realized that not only does Mr. Darcy need to take care of himself but I need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically. I can't skip or stop or cut short my workouts like I've been doing as of late because it really is the only regular thing that I do for myself. When I skip, I find myself to be not as happy and a wee bit grumpy. We both need to find a way to be more wholistic in our approach to life. You know it's not quite right when your idea of a great day is that you got your kids and husband out the door to work and school on time, got your full workout in and had time to not only shower but also put on makeup and accessories to go with your outfit, and that you put time and thought into what you wear that day... not just it's clean and quick.
But there's something about that realization that somewhere is giving me a lot of optimism that we can figure it out. Maybe it's because I got my workout in this morning that all seems right in the world again. Maybe it's because despite having his bone marrow biopsy yesterday where a nerve got hit and they had to remove and start again that my friend Doug sent a funny and yet serious email update about things. Maybe it's reading a blog from someone who discovered that her faith in God and just living her life believing in God and finding out that she's helping others when she didn't even realize it. Maybe it's the spirit of Thanksgiving and just being thankful for what I have. Maybe it's all of it all at once. But whatever it is, I like it.
I went for a 20 minute run this morning. With the words of Coach in my head, "you need to heal completely and then we can work on speed work" as she teased last week after my fast mile, I set out with the thought that I needed to ease up and just do the run. Coach has also wanted me to throw a minute of walking in (I can't think of the method's name at the moment...), so I decided as I set out that I would do 9/1's today. Well, even with "taking it easy" I did my first mile in a hair less than 9 minutes, and the 2nd mile (only because of the 1 minute of walking I wager) in about 10 minutes. So that set a nice stage for my 1/2 hour of yoga. I did a session that is for legs, back and shoulders since that's been a needed area of focus as of late. It was wonderful and as the words of the Namaste Yoga practitioner ended the session, I did feel "open to the universe."
Mr. Darcy definitely has the shingles and is taking his 1 g of Valtrex three times a day like a good boy. I feel badly for him because it hurts (and it's none to pretty either, but there were worse pictures on the net). As he said yesterday while laying on the couch, "This will be a fun Thanksgiving for me." The poor guy. He decided to go in to work today though. At the very least to work the day in the office and bring work home that he can do from home tomorrow while resting. Although, I have a feeling he'll end up back in the office tomorrow.
Mr. Darcy's Dad sent a nice email yesterday telling Mr. Darcy that he needs to not internalize his stress so that he ends up with shingles on a regular basis and that he needs to workout more than just tennis twice a week. He also said that I needed to help Mr. Darcy make sure he relaxes and isn't always on the go so much. The problem is that I honestly cannot take on more of the child rearing or household stuff than I do already without seriously imploding. If I take on more then I cannot workout or have a social life (not that I have an overly active social life as it is) at all because I'm doing everything I can while working full time and doing what my body needs physically. As it is, I don't usually have time to shower after working out and starting work each morning. I don't do any personal shopping, and squeeze my personal hygeine hurriedly either during a lunch break or right before I go get my children from daycare. I feel terrible that I cannot take more of the burden off of Mr. Darcy, but I just can't do it.
In fact, this morning, I realized that not only does Mr. Darcy need to take care of himself but I need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically. I can't skip or stop or cut short my workouts like I've been doing as of late because it really is the only regular thing that I do for myself. When I skip, I find myself to be not as happy and a wee bit grumpy. We both need to find a way to be more wholistic in our approach to life. You know it's not quite right when your idea of a great day is that you got your kids and husband out the door to work and school on time, got your full workout in and had time to not only shower but also put on makeup and accessories to go with your outfit, and that you put time and thought into what you wear that day... not just it's clean and quick.
But there's something about that realization that somewhere is giving me a lot of optimism that we can figure it out. Maybe it's because I got my workout in this morning that all seems right in the world again. Maybe it's because despite having his bone marrow biopsy yesterday where a nerve got hit and they had to remove and start again that my friend Doug sent a funny and yet serious email update about things. Maybe it's reading a blog from someone who discovered that her faith in God and just living her life believing in God and finding out that she's helping others when she didn't even realize it. Maybe it's the spirit of Thanksgiving and just being thankful for what I have. Maybe it's all of it all at once. But whatever it is, I like it.
I went for a 20 minute run this morning. With the words of Coach in my head, "you need to heal completely and then we can work on speed work" as she teased last week after my fast mile, I set out with the thought that I needed to ease up and just do the run. Coach has also wanted me to throw a minute of walking in (I can't think of the method's name at the moment...), so I decided as I set out that I would do 9/1's today. Well, even with "taking it easy" I did my first mile in a hair less than 9 minutes, and the 2nd mile (only because of the 1 minute of walking I wager) in about 10 minutes. So that set a nice stage for my 1/2 hour of yoga. I did a session that is for legs, back and shoulders since that's been a needed area of focus as of late. It was wonderful and as the words of the Namaste Yoga practitioner ended the session, I did feel "open to the universe."
Monday, November 23, 2009
Insomnia, My Old Friend
My insomnia is back. So I sit here unable to sleep and not wanting to toss and turn and take the chance of waking Mr. Darcy who not only has Angelfish's head cold from earlier this week but who also is exhibiting symptoms of shingles (although his rash is not disgusting at this point). He's pretty miserable, and tomorrow morning he'll be calling the doctor for the earliest appointment he can get.
We had a good weekend until we talked to Mr. Darcy's parents and realized that he might have shingles. His grandmother had it when I was pregnant with the Little Ladies, so when I was describing how Mr. Darcy felt and how he had a rash over where he had muscle pain and that the rash would show up the day after the pain started, Mr. Darcy Senior said "sounds like shingles." I went online (of course) and found webmd's lovely pictures of the rash and Mr. Darcy's looks like a minor case of the early stages of shingles. The other sad news is that Mr. Darcy Senior's knee surgery has left him with more pain and a lot of swelling, he can't manuever well on crutches and thus is spending his time getting around in a wheel chair, and with all his physical therapy appointments and the machine that moves his knee for 6 hours everyday, they won't be able to make it for Thanksgiving. We weren't sure how they were going to do it either, but they had been hopeful when we talked to them last Tuesday. So we weren't surprised but we were saddened.
We had a ton of fun with our friends from the ATL at Sea World. The girls got along well and were all in good moods, at least after Ladybug had a terrible fit and time out in the ladies room at Sea World first. I had to hold the door shut from the outside of the stall while leaning all my body weight back. The child is strong. Good side affect was that my back felt better afterwards. Bad side effect - I'm pretty sure that a ton of women think I'm evil because I let my child scream "let me out" and wail and all sorts of things. I got a lot of nasty looks. At one point, I wasn't a saint - Ladybug crawled out from the stall under the door and kicked my leg. I picked her up put her on the toilet seat and told her she was in time out because she was being a brat. Not one of my finer moments. But then I went on the other side of the door again, and held it shut and didn't say a word for the rest of the 3 minutes that seemed to be an eternity. Our friend was in the bathroom toward the end of the time out and she said that she thought I was doing really well... and I really needed to hear it at that point. : ) But after that, it was smooth sailing!
Their little man at all of 8 months old was the cutest thing! Even Mr. Darcy wanted to hold him and Mr. Darcy avoids holding babies. Not because he doesn't like them, but because he likes them and doesn't want to be tempted into having more of them. But he couldn't resist holding little C. I couldn't resist it either. A little guy who chews on your fingers and smiles at you with those teething gums showing is too much to resist. So I held him while he napped at one point. I resist holding babies alot because it makes me want them too. The irony was that the night before I had a dream that we had a baby boy and named him Benjamin. And sitting there holding the little C. man, I wanted another baby. Mr. Darcy even joked at dinner that we could have another one, and I told him he better not say things he doesn't mean. Later I told him I would like to have another one, and he said he'd need to think about it and let the idea sink in some. I'm guessing it's going to come back down to his not wanting another child because life is just sort of settling down with the girls. But I could be wrong, you never know... Either way, we had a great time with our friends.
I also had fun with the ladies I went to see "New Moon" with. The movie was good - at least if you've read the book. The acting wasn't terrible this time, so I actually enjoyed it. Fluff is a good thing at times, and this was definitely one of them. Afterwards we had coffee and chatted and it was a lot of fun. Then it was home to discover a naked Ladybug crying while Angelfish "helped" her Daddy try to fix their dressser drawer. Ladybug had an accident and was having trouble with the drawers when Mr. Darcy decided to fix it for her. Ladybug doesn't really like change (she's a lot like Mr. Darcy that way - has to let it sink in and decide whether or not she likes the idea of the change before embracing the change) so she was a bit worked up about the whole thing. Meanwhile, Angelfish was handing Mr. Darcy the screwdriver and screws and the tracks. She was loving it. It reminded me of when I was really little and built a birdhouse with my Poppop. Ladybug admitted she was upset about the drawers (especially since Mr. Darcy was rearranging the order of where clothing was so that she could reach it easier) and that if she was going to have a new drawer then she thought she needed all new underwear too. I told her that we couldn't have new underwear because money doesn't grow on trees and that we have to use what we have. She said okay and then I said "You just don't like change do you?" and she said, "No. Why do things have to change?" It was the sweetest thing. She got over it a little bit later when I took her to the grocery store alone with me. I had to laugh when we were in the car, pulling out of the driveway, and she said "why do you want me to go to the grocery store with you?" I told her that it was so we could spend some time one on one, so that she didn't have to share me with her sister or her Daddy. She seemed to like that, and we had a good time. So good that she forgave me without a 2nd thought when I completely forgot to get her cookie from the bakery for good behavior. She remembered right when I did and we were 1/2 way home.
I had a blast with the girls, with Mr. Darcy, with our friends this weekend!
I also had a chat with my Dad about my Mom and her biopsy situation. She hadn't told my Dad that she talked to me 3 times this week and she didn't tell him all the things she told me, and she didn't tell me all that she told him. He and I are both on the same page about the information we have that she's told us from the doctor. We both think there's a good chance that she has breast cancer, but we also are hopeful and think it could turn out to be nothing too. But we also realize that she's not just being a positive thinker at the moment... she's more like the Queen of Denial that this could be something "bad." Even if it is cancer, it's early enough that she'll be fine. We're a little worried that if the news is that it is cancer, she's not going to take it well despite her bravado of "and if it does turn out to be cancer, I've told them to just do a mastectomy." I know it's eating her up to have to wait until December 2nd for the biopsy and December 3rd for the results. But whatever the news, we will pull through. That is what we do.
It was kind of funny though. I said something on the phone to my Dad and it made a lot of sense with all that is going on. I told him that sometimes I get frustrated with them, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. And that's sort of how I feel about my life right now. I get frustrated with life and it's bad news for my friend and the scare for my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't love life. In fact, I think it's because I do love it. I love the people in my life and I don't want bad things to happen to them.
But I also realized while writing this post in my insomniatic state that it also has to do with fear. I've always had 2 fears in my life. One was that my best would never be good enough. Good enough for what, I'm not always sure, but probably for people to keep loving me or for life to stay good or something. And the other is that I would end up alone. Cancer especially is a double threat for my fears. Reality is, even if I was a doctor or a researcher, I may not be able to find a cure for cancer. Just like as a lawyer, I may not be able to help find a cure with fundraising. My best efforts might not be good enough to save the life of someone I care about. Goodness knows that I couldn't save Angela, although she'd probably laugh at the idea of me wanting to be able to ride in on the white horse to save the day and remind me that even though it sucks I don't get to control everything. That job's already taken by the Big Guy Upstairs.
And second, cancer threatens my fear of being alone. I've never been the type to be with people who weren't good for me just to be with people, but I've always wanted to be with people who I liked and admired. I'm a "people person" - I like people despite the fact that there are some people who suck. There are just so many more that don't. And those in my life are the ones I want to be around. They definitely do not suck and are good to their cores. They're sometimes hard to find in this world, but when I find them I want to be around them. But cancer likes to take people away and to feed into that fear that I will end up alone in this world not being able to share life and its insanity and its beauty with someone. Maybe that's why I'm so selfish with my family time too. I'm an only child and when my parents are gone, I feel as though in some ways I'll be all alone in one aspect of my world. So I value all the time I can get with them.
Well, it goes to show that insomnia sometimes is a helpful counselor. It's when those fears bubble up that you can't sleep (even after 3 advil which normally put me to sleep) that sometimes you figure it all out.
The good news is that it is all positive. I will do what I can do to raise money and help others raise money for cancer research in whatever way I can. I will love the people I have in my life for the length of time that they are given to me to love. I will live in the moments of my life the best I can. I will accept (although I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with the idea) that there are things in this life that are outside of my control and that I have to trust in God's plan even when I don't understand it (and especially when I in my narrow view of the universe would think I'd make things be different). And if I end up alone, I will know that I did my best and that is really all that any of us can do and that no matter what the outcome it will just have to be good enough.
So now, after being awake in the middle of the night for more than 2 hours, I'm going to try to make myself sleep. I'll be taking the Little Ladies to school in a few hours, attempting to at least get 5-10 minutes of cardio and some weight training in before the work day starts (more cardio would be better of course, but I only have so many hours in the day), remember to water the plant on the front porch, work a full day, have a fun lunch with my friend J (if she's not scared off by my email disclaimer about Mr. Darcy's possible shingles), probably take care of Mr. Darcy a bit, feed and have fun with Angelfish and Ladybug this evening, and try to make up for my lost sleep by going to bed early.
I hope you all have a great Monday and that my tome here wasn't too overly depressing... there is joy for me in getting it out and realizing that I can do what I can do and that is empowerment in and of itself. So thanks for putting up with it!
We had a good weekend until we talked to Mr. Darcy's parents and realized that he might have shingles. His grandmother had it when I was pregnant with the Little Ladies, so when I was describing how Mr. Darcy felt and how he had a rash over where he had muscle pain and that the rash would show up the day after the pain started, Mr. Darcy Senior said "sounds like shingles." I went online (of course) and found webmd's lovely pictures of the rash and Mr. Darcy's looks like a minor case of the early stages of shingles. The other sad news is that Mr. Darcy Senior's knee surgery has left him with more pain and a lot of swelling, he can't manuever well on crutches and thus is spending his time getting around in a wheel chair, and with all his physical therapy appointments and the machine that moves his knee for 6 hours everyday, they won't be able to make it for Thanksgiving. We weren't sure how they were going to do it either, but they had been hopeful when we talked to them last Tuesday. So we weren't surprised but we were saddened.
We had a ton of fun with our friends from the ATL at Sea World. The girls got along well and were all in good moods, at least after Ladybug had a terrible fit and time out in the ladies room at Sea World first. I had to hold the door shut from the outside of the stall while leaning all my body weight back. The child is strong. Good side affect was that my back felt better afterwards. Bad side effect - I'm pretty sure that a ton of women think I'm evil because I let my child scream "let me out" and wail and all sorts of things. I got a lot of nasty looks. At one point, I wasn't a saint - Ladybug crawled out from the stall under the door and kicked my leg. I picked her up put her on the toilet seat and told her she was in time out because she was being a brat. Not one of my finer moments. But then I went on the other side of the door again, and held it shut and didn't say a word for the rest of the 3 minutes that seemed to be an eternity. Our friend was in the bathroom toward the end of the time out and she said that she thought I was doing really well... and I really needed to hear it at that point. : ) But after that, it was smooth sailing!
Their little man at all of 8 months old was the cutest thing! Even Mr. Darcy wanted to hold him and Mr. Darcy avoids holding babies. Not because he doesn't like them, but because he likes them and doesn't want to be tempted into having more of them. But he couldn't resist holding little C. I couldn't resist it either. A little guy who chews on your fingers and smiles at you with those teething gums showing is too much to resist. So I held him while he napped at one point. I resist holding babies alot because it makes me want them too. The irony was that the night before I had a dream that we had a baby boy and named him Benjamin. And sitting there holding the little C. man, I wanted another baby. Mr. Darcy even joked at dinner that we could have another one, and I told him he better not say things he doesn't mean. Later I told him I would like to have another one, and he said he'd need to think about it and let the idea sink in some. I'm guessing it's going to come back down to his not wanting another child because life is just sort of settling down with the girls. But I could be wrong, you never know... Either way, we had a great time with our friends.
I also had fun with the ladies I went to see "New Moon" with. The movie was good - at least if you've read the book. The acting wasn't terrible this time, so I actually enjoyed it. Fluff is a good thing at times, and this was definitely one of them. Afterwards we had coffee and chatted and it was a lot of fun. Then it was home to discover a naked Ladybug crying while Angelfish "helped" her Daddy try to fix their dressser drawer. Ladybug had an accident and was having trouble with the drawers when Mr. Darcy decided to fix it for her. Ladybug doesn't really like change (she's a lot like Mr. Darcy that way - has to let it sink in and decide whether or not she likes the idea of the change before embracing the change) so she was a bit worked up about the whole thing. Meanwhile, Angelfish was handing Mr. Darcy the screwdriver and screws and the tracks. She was loving it. It reminded me of when I was really little and built a birdhouse with my Poppop. Ladybug admitted she was upset about the drawers (especially since Mr. Darcy was rearranging the order of where clothing was so that she could reach it easier) and that if she was going to have a new drawer then she thought she needed all new underwear too. I told her that we couldn't have new underwear because money doesn't grow on trees and that we have to use what we have. She said okay and then I said "You just don't like change do you?" and she said, "No. Why do things have to change?" It was the sweetest thing. She got over it a little bit later when I took her to the grocery store alone with me. I had to laugh when we were in the car, pulling out of the driveway, and she said "why do you want me to go to the grocery store with you?" I told her that it was so we could spend some time one on one, so that she didn't have to share me with her sister or her Daddy. She seemed to like that, and we had a good time. So good that she forgave me without a 2nd thought when I completely forgot to get her cookie from the bakery for good behavior. She remembered right when I did and we were 1/2 way home.
I had a blast with the girls, with Mr. Darcy, with our friends this weekend!
I also had a chat with my Dad about my Mom and her biopsy situation. She hadn't told my Dad that she talked to me 3 times this week and she didn't tell him all the things she told me, and she didn't tell me all that she told him. He and I are both on the same page about the information we have that she's told us from the doctor. We both think there's a good chance that she has breast cancer, but we also are hopeful and think it could turn out to be nothing too. But we also realize that she's not just being a positive thinker at the moment... she's more like the Queen of Denial that this could be something "bad." Even if it is cancer, it's early enough that she'll be fine. We're a little worried that if the news is that it is cancer, she's not going to take it well despite her bravado of "and if it does turn out to be cancer, I've told them to just do a mastectomy." I know it's eating her up to have to wait until December 2nd for the biopsy and December 3rd for the results. But whatever the news, we will pull through. That is what we do.
It was kind of funny though. I said something on the phone to my Dad and it made a lot of sense with all that is going on. I told him that sometimes I get frustrated with them, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. And that's sort of how I feel about my life right now. I get frustrated with life and it's bad news for my friend and the scare for my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't love life. In fact, I think it's because I do love it. I love the people in my life and I don't want bad things to happen to them.
But I also realized while writing this post in my insomniatic state that it also has to do with fear. I've always had 2 fears in my life. One was that my best would never be good enough. Good enough for what, I'm not always sure, but probably for people to keep loving me or for life to stay good or something. And the other is that I would end up alone. Cancer especially is a double threat for my fears. Reality is, even if I was a doctor or a researcher, I may not be able to find a cure for cancer. Just like as a lawyer, I may not be able to help find a cure with fundraising. My best efforts might not be good enough to save the life of someone I care about. Goodness knows that I couldn't save Angela, although she'd probably laugh at the idea of me wanting to be able to ride in on the white horse to save the day and remind me that even though it sucks I don't get to control everything. That job's already taken by the Big Guy Upstairs.
And second, cancer threatens my fear of being alone. I've never been the type to be with people who weren't good for me just to be with people, but I've always wanted to be with people who I liked and admired. I'm a "people person" - I like people despite the fact that there are some people who suck. There are just so many more that don't. And those in my life are the ones I want to be around. They definitely do not suck and are good to their cores. They're sometimes hard to find in this world, but when I find them I want to be around them. But cancer likes to take people away and to feed into that fear that I will end up alone in this world not being able to share life and its insanity and its beauty with someone. Maybe that's why I'm so selfish with my family time too. I'm an only child and when my parents are gone, I feel as though in some ways I'll be all alone in one aspect of my world. So I value all the time I can get with them.
Well, it goes to show that insomnia sometimes is a helpful counselor. It's when those fears bubble up that you can't sleep (even after 3 advil which normally put me to sleep) that sometimes you figure it all out.
The good news is that it is all positive. I will do what I can do to raise money and help others raise money for cancer research in whatever way I can. I will love the people I have in my life for the length of time that they are given to me to love. I will live in the moments of my life the best I can. I will accept (although I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with the idea) that there are things in this life that are outside of my control and that I have to trust in God's plan even when I don't understand it (and especially when I in my narrow view of the universe would think I'd make things be different). And if I end up alone, I will know that I did my best and that is really all that any of us can do and that no matter what the outcome it will just have to be good enough.
So now, after being awake in the middle of the night for more than 2 hours, I'm going to try to make myself sleep. I'll be taking the Little Ladies to school in a few hours, attempting to at least get 5-10 minutes of cardio and some weight training in before the work day starts (more cardio would be better of course, but I only have so many hours in the day), remember to water the plant on the front porch, work a full day, have a fun lunch with my friend J (if she's not scared off by my email disclaimer about Mr. Darcy's possible shingles), probably take care of Mr. Darcy a bit, feed and have fun with Angelfish and Ladybug this evening, and try to make up for my lost sleep by going to bed early.
I hope you all have a great Monday and that my tome here wasn't too overly depressing... there is joy for me in getting it out and realizing that I can do what I can do and that is empowerment in and of itself. So thanks for putting up with it!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Where to Start...
I really don't even know where to start with my thoughts today. So bear with me as this probably will be some sort of stream of consciousness stuff floating around in my head.
Yesterday I found out terrible news. A friend, Doug, from my TNT tri team who had CML in remission with Gleevec and has been working toward a goal of completing each type of endurance event while raising money with TNT, found out yesterday that he is now Gleevec intolerant. This means that he is no longer in remission and blood tests show that 77% of his white blood cells are cancerous. Doug is one of the kindest, friendliest, funniest people you will meet in your life. And now he has to go through the pain of sitting his children down again and telling them his cancer is back. Then on Monday have a blood marrow biopsy and hope that they find a treatment that will work and get him back in remission. Because if they can't he will have to have a blood marrow transplant... that his insurance won't cover. I have been praying a lot since yesterday afternoon and I will pray more. We're waiting to find out more after Monday's results, but we may be doing more than praying too.
The whole thing makes me angry. Angry that the human body can be so wonderous and so self-destructive all at once. Angry that a wonderful person like Doug has to endure cancer coming out of remission. Angry that his insurance won't cover blood marrow transplants or drugs that are part of studies. Angry that they can quantify money versus the attempt to save someone's life. As Belle told me on the phone last night, cancer doesn't happen to mean people. I'm angry about that too. Everyone I've ever known to have cancer was/is wonderful. Angela, my Granny, my Mom, my Mom's cousins, my Poppop, my Dad's stockbroker, Doug, my friend's little girl, Training Buddy, Coach, and Belle herself - just to name a few.
But it also makes me hopeful (in an angry sort of way). Gleevec lets people go into remission and they're studying what causes the body to become intolerant of it. So there's hope that one day others won't suffer. There are also other drugs they can try to see if they will work. Maybe one of them will. Most of all is the outpouring of love that has come from those in TNT for Doug. We're a bunch of doers. We take our anger and our grief and we want to fix it. We know we, in and of ourselves, cannot find the cure or make Doug's cancer go into remission. But we all pray or send strengthening thoughts, we are already cooking up ideas for fundraisers for Doug and his family, we are already pissed off at cancer for trying to take our friend, and we are all letting Doug know how much we love and support him.
It makes me think even more about the fact that I am doing TNT again this coming year. That I hopefully will get to be a mentor for my team, and that I will be raising money toward a cure. But like I said, I'm a doer. And I'm in that spot again that makes me feel like I am just not doing enough. I read online about cancer and cancer treatments, I partake in legislative letter writing about cancer issues to try and get laws passed to help cancer research and cancer patients, but I hate not being able to fix it myself. To stare into a microscope at the cells and come up with ideas about what to zap them with, bathe them in, etc. to kill the cancer or to turn off whatever that little mechanism is that makes the cell replicate without stopping like it should. Or to be the one to give treatments to a patient and praying for wellness that could come from my actions. And that makes me angry too.
I'm not sure what to do with all this anger. My back is out and I'm in a ton of pain too. Could be caused by stress. I read that stress can make your back troubles worse. The resulting pain can definitely make you grumpy. I'll probably end up at the chiropractor this afternoon. I was trying to avoid it. Trying to save the $25 co-pay since money is tight, but with this much stabbing sharp pain that takes my breath away I can't avoid it. Not to mention I am feeling fat and ugly lately. I feel like I get fatter every day now that I'm not training like I was for the 70.3. So I'm cutting out all sugar, all sweets (other than fruit), and as much processed foods as I can starting today. Not that I eat all that much of that stuff, but as of late we've had more ice cream and baked goods in our diet than we've had while I was training for the 70.3. So it's gone. Plus I feel like I have no style, but refuse to spend money on clothes. I watch What Not to Wear and often think that I'd be a great candidate for their show. I miss Angela. And there's nothing I can do about it.
So I did the only thing I knew to do with my anger this morning. I went to the pool. Coach had a 2200 m continuous swim on my schedule as it was. I have to say it was just about the most perfect thing that could have been on my schedule for today. I ripped up the pool. I even did flip turns for awhile because I was just wanting to shred the pool and work out all my anger. Of course, after a bit my leg started to hurt so I stopped flip turning and returned to wall touching. Amazingly my back didn't kill me while I swam. I may have been too intent on swimming and working out the anger and the thoughts going through my head to notice though. I didn't even notice that there was a 3rd person in the pool until I saw them when they were getting out of the pool and I was taking a breath to that side. 2200m in 45 minutes flat. Not too shabby. I could have been faster, but I know I slowed down a little when my leg started to hurt and then sped up again when it stopped hurting again.
If only I could get these other things not to hurt so much. I have to accept I can do only what I can do and that God takes care of the rest. As I said to someone yesterday, I have to accept that God has a plan and that all of this is somehow part of his plan. I cannot understand why Doug (or any other cancer patient) suffering this way has to be part of the plan, but somehow it is. And since God knows more than I do, I just have to find a way to accept it and do the part that God wants me to do. But at the moment it is a bit hard to do.
I passed a church on the way to the pool whose sign said "Be thankful for the dirty dishes. It means you have food." I know what they mean... count your blessings and find them where you might not normally look. So here goes with the best I can muster today. 1) I'm thankful for my back pain and my leg pain because it means I normally am pain free. 2) I'm thankful for cancer because it brought me to TNT and the friends I have made and for knowing there are others who want to do something to help find a cure and not just talk about it. 3) I'm thankful for feeling fat because it means I have the ability eat in overabundance. 4) I'm thankful for feeling like I have no style and don't buy new clothes because this means I am using my money for my family and not for selfish means. 5) I'm thankful for my Mom's situation with her cancer scare because it helps me realize how much I love her and don't want anything to happen to her. 6) I'm thankful for my anger because it's a good motivator and shows me that I'm alive and that I care. I have to tell you though, I'm not really thankful for cancer. I HATE cancer. Cancer sucks and I'm sick of it messing with people in my life.
I do have a ton of things I am thankful for. Mr. Darcy and the girls, especially. The fact that I had Angela in my life as such a wonderful close friend since I was 12 so that I would know the pain of missing her. The wonderful friends that I have. And just so much more.
Sorry for the downer. Hopefully the weekend will do its trick - wonderful friends, time with my wonderful husband and sweet girls, and time to let everything sink in and settle down.
I hope you have a great weekend!
Yesterday I found out terrible news. A friend, Doug, from my TNT tri team who had CML in remission with Gleevec and has been working toward a goal of completing each type of endurance event while raising money with TNT, found out yesterday that he is now Gleevec intolerant. This means that he is no longer in remission and blood tests show that 77% of his white blood cells are cancerous. Doug is one of the kindest, friendliest, funniest people you will meet in your life. And now he has to go through the pain of sitting his children down again and telling them his cancer is back. Then on Monday have a blood marrow biopsy and hope that they find a treatment that will work and get him back in remission. Because if they can't he will have to have a blood marrow transplant... that his insurance won't cover. I have been praying a lot since yesterday afternoon and I will pray more. We're waiting to find out more after Monday's results, but we may be doing more than praying too.
The whole thing makes me angry. Angry that the human body can be so wonderous and so self-destructive all at once. Angry that a wonderful person like Doug has to endure cancer coming out of remission. Angry that his insurance won't cover blood marrow transplants or drugs that are part of studies. Angry that they can quantify money versus the attempt to save someone's life. As Belle told me on the phone last night, cancer doesn't happen to mean people. I'm angry about that too. Everyone I've ever known to have cancer was/is wonderful. Angela, my Granny, my Mom, my Mom's cousins, my Poppop, my Dad's stockbroker, Doug, my friend's little girl, Training Buddy, Coach, and Belle herself - just to name a few.
But it also makes me hopeful (in an angry sort of way). Gleevec lets people go into remission and they're studying what causes the body to become intolerant of it. So there's hope that one day others won't suffer. There are also other drugs they can try to see if they will work. Maybe one of them will. Most of all is the outpouring of love that has come from those in TNT for Doug. We're a bunch of doers. We take our anger and our grief and we want to fix it. We know we, in and of ourselves, cannot find the cure or make Doug's cancer go into remission. But we all pray or send strengthening thoughts, we are already cooking up ideas for fundraisers for Doug and his family, we are already pissed off at cancer for trying to take our friend, and we are all letting Doug know how much we love and support him.
It makes me think even more about the fact that I am doing TNT again this coming year. That I hopefully will get to be a mentor for my team, and that I will be raising money toward a cure. But like I said, I'm a doer. And I'm in that spot again that makes me feel like I am just not doing enough. I read online about cancer and cancer treatments, I partake in legislative letter writing about cancer issues to try and get laws passed to help cancer research and cancer patients, but I hate not being able to fix it myself. To stare into a microscope at the cells and come up with ideas about what to zap them with, bathe them in, etc. to kill the cancer or to turn off whatever that little mechanism is that makes the cell replicate without stopping like it should. Or to be the one to give treatments to a patient and praying for wellness that could come from my actions. And that makes me angry too.
I'm not sure what to do with all this anger. My back is out and I'm in a ton of pain too. Could be caused by stress. I read that stress can make your back troubles worse. The resulting pain can definitely make you grumpy. I'll probably end up at the chiropractor this afternoon. I was trying to avoid it. Trying to save the $25 co-pay since money is tight, but with this much stabbing sharp pain that takes my breath away I can't avoid it. Not to mention I am feeling fat and ugly lately. I feel like I get fatter every day now that I'm not training like I was for the 70.3. So I'm cutting out all sugar, all sweets (other than fruit), and as much processed foods as I can starting today. Not that I eat all that much of that stuff, but as of late we've had more ice cream and baked goods in our diet than we've had while I was training for the 70.3. So it's gone. Plus I feel like I have no style, but refuse to spend money on clothes. I watch What Not to Wear and often think that I'd be a great candidate for their show. I miss Angela. And there's nothing I can do about it.
So I did the only thing I knew to do with my anger this morning. I went to the pool. Coach had a 2200 m continuous swim on my schedule as it was. I have to say it was just about the most perfect thing that could have been on my schedule for today. I ripped up the pool. I even did flip turns for awhile because I was just wanting to shred the pool and work out all my anger. Of course, after a bit my leg started to hurt so I stopped flip turning and returned to wall touching. Amazingly my back didn't kill me while I swam. I may have been too intent on swimming and working out the anger and the thoughts going through my head to notice though. I didn't even notice that there was a 3rd person in the pool until I saw them when they were getting out of the pool and I was taking a breath to that side. 2200m in 45 minutes flat. Not too shabby. I could have been faster, but I know I slowed down a little when my leg started to hurt and then sped up again when it stopped hurting again.
If only I could get these other things not to hurt so much. I have to accept I can do only what I can do and that God takes care of the rest. As I said to someone yesterday, I have to accept that God has a plan and that all of this is somehow part of his plan. I cannot understand why Doug (or any other cancer patient) suffering this way has to be part of the plan, but somehow it is. And since God knows more than I do, I just have to find a way to accept it and do the part that God wants me to do. But at the moment it is a bit hard to do.
I passed a church on the way to the pool whose sign said "Be thankful for the dirty dishes. It means you have food." I know what they mean... count your blessings and find them where you might not normally look. So here goes with the best I can muster today. 1) I'm thankful for my back pain and my leg pain because it means I normally am pain free. 2) I'm thankful for cancer because it brought me to TNT and the friends I have made and for knowing there are others who want to do something to help find a cure and not just talk about it. 3) I'm thankful for feeling fat because it means I have the ability eat in overabundance. 4) I'm thankful for feeling like I have no style and don't buy new clothes because this means I am using my money for my family and not for selfish means. 5) I'm thankful for my Mom's situation with her cancer scare because it helps me realize how much I love her and don't want anything to happen to her. 6) I'm thankful for my anger because it's a good motivator and shows me that I'm alive and that I care. I have to tell you though, I'm not really thankful for cancer. I HATE cancer. Cancer sucks and I'm sick of it messing with people in my life.
I do have a ton of things I am thankful for. Mr. Darcy and the girls, especially. The fact that I had Angela in my life as such a wonderful close friend since I was 12 so that I would know the pain of missing her. The wonderful friends that I have. And just so much more.
Sorry for the downer. Hopefully the weekend will do its trick - wonderful friends, time with my wonderful husband and sweet girls, and time to let everything sink in and settle down.
I hope you have a great weekend!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Importance of Mammograms and a Morning Workout
The Importance of Mammograms
After talking to my Mom on the phone last night, I want to reinforce the importance of mammograms. Even if that academy just said that women don't need them every year after 40, just after 50. (Wonder if it's a ploy dealing with this new healthcare bill?) A few weeks back, my Mom went for her annual mammogram (which ironically was read by my childhood friend who became a radiologist and again lives in our hometown). Something didn't look quite right and they wanted her to have additional shots and a sonogram done and quickly. When I talked to her about a week ago, they had told her it could be either calcification (which is normal and happens when women age) or pre/early stage cancer. We didn't get overly worked up about it.
Yesterday they did the additional mammography and sonogram and determined that the mass is 2 inches by 2.1 inches and that they couldn't conclusively tell from the additional shots and the sonogram whether it was cancerous. Plus since it seems to be a circular mass, that's troubling because that's how breast cancer grows. So now they have scheduled her for a needle biopsy of the mass on December 2nd. She'll have the results sometime on December 3rd. It still could turn out to be nothing, or it could be something. Even if it is something, it should be early on. But without that annual mammogram, who knows where she would have been. Of course all this is when I'll be in Atlanta, but at least I'll be with my girls so we can either celebrate that it is nothing or I can have support for bad news. I'm hoping for the celebration, of course.
Morning Workout
This morning the little ladies were up and ready to go. We had a little skirmish over choosing a straw, but overall the morning was good... other than the fact that Mr. Darcy and I had severely overslept. But I was determined to get my workout in this morning, especially because I didn't go yesterday because I was home with Angelfish. Angelfish had no fever this morning, was a little stuffy but asked to go to school so she could play with her friends. So, off she went along with Ladybug who was determined to earn her red token for the morning.
The moment they pulled out of the driveway, I started my run. Today was to be a 20 minute cardio session, running or biking, followed by weights. So I ran the 1.5 or so miles to the Y. I haven't run in awhile so when I hit the mile mark and my chest was tight and I seemed tired, at first I thought to myself... how is it that I got this out of shape with running in just the past few weeks. And then I looked at my watch. I stared at it for a few seconds...
Turns out that I was tired because I had just done the 1st mile in 8:27! Me. The person who 11 minute miles are normal. No wonder my lungs were feeling it. So, I ended up at the Y in about 13 minutes. I was sweating like mad. But I got my two sets of the circuit and then squats and ab work in, and ran part of the way home when my leg started to hurt. Not wanting to push my leg too much so I didn't set myself back in the healing leg process so I walked awhile. But I ran about 2.25 miles out of the 3 miles. So all in all I am quite thrilled.
After talking to my Mom on the phone last night, I want to reinforce the importance of mammograms. Even if that academy just said that women don't need them every year after 40, just after 50. (Wonder if it's a ploy dealing with this new healthcare bill?) A few weeks back, my Mom went for her annual mammogram (which ironically was read by my childhood friend who became a radiologist and again lives in our hometown). Something didn't look quite right and they wanted her to have additional shots and a sonogram done and quickly. When I talked to her about a week ago, they had told her it could be either calcification (which is normal and happens when women age) or pre/early stage cancer. We didn't get overly worked up about it.
Yesterday they did the additional mammography and sonogram and determined that the mass is 2 inches by 2.1 inches and that they couldn't conclusively tell from the additional shots and the sonogram whether it was cancerous. Plus since it seems to be a circular mass, that's troubling because that's how breast cancer grows. So now they have scheduled her for a needle biopsy of the mass on December 2nd. She'll have the results sometime on December 3rd. It still could turn out to be nothing, or it could be something. Even if it is something, it should be early on. But without that annual mammogram, who knows where she would have been. Of course all this is when I'll be in Atlanta, but at least I'll be with my girls so we can either celebrate that it is nothing or I can have support for bad news. I'm hoping for the celebration, of course.
Morning Workout
This morning the little ladies were up and ready to go. We had a little skirmish over choosing a straw, but overall the morning was good... other than the fact that Mr. Darcy and I had severely overslept. But I was determined to get my workout in this morning, especially because I didn't go yesterday because I was home with Angelfish. Angelfish had no fever this morning, was a little stuffy but asked to go to school so she could play with her friends. So, off she went along with Ladybug who was determined to earn her red token for the morning.
The moment they pulled out of the driveway, I started my run. Today was to be a 20 minute cardio session, running or biking, followed by weights. So I ran the 1.5 or so miles to the Y. I haven't run in awhile so when I hit the mile mark and my chest was tight and I seemed tired, at first I thought to myself... how is it that I got this out of shape with running in just the past few weeks. And then I looked at my watch. I stared at it for a few seconds...
Turns out that I was tired because I had just done the 1st mile in 8:27! Me. The person who 11 minute miles are normal. No wonder my lungs were feeling it. So, I ended up at the Y in about 13 minutes. I was sweating like mad. But I got my two sets of the circuit and then squats and ab work in, and ran part of the way home when my leg started to hurt. Not wanting to push my leg too much so I didn't set myself back in the healing leg process so I walked awhile. But I ran about 2.25 miles out of the 3 miles. So all in all I am quite thrilled.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The Sniffles
Last night we had a wonderful time at Missy's early Thanksgiving Dinner. The food was great and the company even better - even the little ladies had a great time! But we should have known that when Angelfish was telling us we needed to go home because it was her bedtime that she wasn't feeling well. Of course, this is our child who goes to bed when she's tired.
3 am rolled around and she was calling for me because she needed to blow her nose. She didn't want to get out of bed because we are doing a thing so that if they stay in their beds at night (and put on their pjs, brush their teeth, and go to bed nicely) that they get a red token. 8 red tokens a week (there's something for getting ready and going to school nicely too, which Ladybug decidedly did not even come close to getting this morning), and they get a choice of a toy or getting ice cream. Anyway, she coughed for awhile after that and felt a little hot to me. I gave her some water and she chugged it like a college kid at a kegger.
This morning she had a 101 temperature and obviously was not acting herself. This is our little lady that springs out of bed in a happy sprite like mood each morning. Laying on the floor like moving was a chore is NOT her usual. So, unless she feels like going for a walk/run and doing yoga at lunchtime, it looks like no workout today. Mr. Darcy is coming home just after lunch so he can watch Angelfish while I teach a webinar for work.
And I have to say that this economy stinks. Chase Bank found my work number somehow and there is some woman out there somewhere with my same first and last name who owes them money for a piece of property in Arizona. I don't owe them money and I don't own propery in Arizona, and they keep calling me. I do not like to be nasty but I keep telling them that I do not own property in Arizona and that while my name is the same first and last name, there are probably millions of people with that name and they have the wrong person, not to mention that they are calling my work number which is illegal, and that they need to stop calling me because I am not who they are looking for. It's really annoying too because we get calls on the house phone for random people that don't live here but owe people money. It's a big pain in the rump.
Anywho. Here's hoping that Angelfish is better soon and that she didn't infect everyone at the party!
3 am rolled around and she was calling for me because she needed to blow her nose. She didn't want to get out of bed because we are doing a thing so that if they stay in their beds at night (and put on their pjs, brush their teeth, and go to bed nicely) that they get a red token. 8 red tokens a week (there's something for getting ready and going to school nicely too, which Ladybug decidedly did not even come close to getting this morning), and they get a choice of a toy or getting ice cream. Anyway, she coughed for awhile after that and felt a little hot to me. I gave her some water and she chugged it like a college kid at a kegger.
This morning she had a 101 temperature and obviously was not acting herself. This is our little lady that springs out of bed in a happy sprite like mood each morning. Laying on the floor like moving was a chore is NOT her usual. So, unless she feels like going for a walk/run and doing yoga at lunchtime, it looks like no workout today. Mr. Darcy is coming home just after lunch so he can watch Angelfish while I teach a webinar for work.
And I have to say that this economy stinks. Chase Bank found my work number somehow and there is some woman out there somewhere with my same first and last name who owes them money for a piece of property in Arizona. I don't owe them money and I don't own propery in Arizona, and they keep calling me. I do not like to be nasty but I keep telling them that I do not own property in Arizona and that while my name is the same first and last name, there are probably millions of people with that name and they have the wrong person, not to mention that they are calling my work number which is illegal, and that they need to stop calling me because I am not who they are looking for. It's really annoying too because we get calls on the house phone for random people that don't live here but owe people money. It's a big pain in the rump.
Anywho. Here's hoping that Angelfish is better soon and that she didn't infect everyone at the party!
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