This week has been so busy I've rather felt on the edge of screaming, tearing my hair out and/or throwing a temper tantrum like a two year old. Not only have I had a million things to do but I felt like somehow I wasn't doing enough of something. What the something is, I'm not quite sure. But oddly enough, I think it just came to me. The answer is living.
The past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my friend Angela and how I miss her. It's not a constant thought stream but random bits here and there. Tuesday night I had a dream that it was night and I was in a car accident (which is ironic because when I was about 13, I had a premonition that I would die in a car accident at night while driving. It came to me while being driven home from babysitting - we'll have to see how that plays out...). In my dream, Angela was there looking at me and told me, "You're ok but if you don't pay attention you're going to miss something important." That whole day I thought of her in odd moments and tried to figure out what she was talking about in my dream. On the bike yesterday (I did the stationary bike because it was too dark out that morning), when I got to 25 miles I thought to myself I could do an extra 5 because it was alot easier than what Angela went through and that I had the time. The day before I just kept thinking of Angela - again random spottings of things. Today the thoughts didn't come in the pool during my swim workout or when I was arguing with Mr. Darcy or rushing around trying to get laundry done, passports signed and mailed, or taking things forgotten to daycare, but when I was driving home from it all. When I got home I thought I'd do my blog really quickly and I looked online and there were postings on her sister Anna's Blog (Little Maverick's) and on Liz's blog (Mabel's House) about Angela too. Just now, while typing, I have an image that appeared in my head of her smiling and walking through a beautiful meadow with pink and yellow flowers.
I think Angela is trying to tell each of us something. It is probably different for each of us and the same too. I think she's telling us to be in each other's lives. To be connected to one another the way that she was connected with each of us. Desparately looking for Anna's missing blog pieces and wondering if she's ok when she's not blogging and dedicated reading of Liz's blogs must not be what Angela is envisioning. Why else talk to all of us around the same time? No, I'm not talking about ghostly visitations, although I wouldn't put it past Angela to do that to us if we're not complying with her wishes... she could get huffy from time to time. But I think our loved ones who have passed on do visit us in some ways when we need it.
For me, I think I just realized what Angela was trying to tell me in my dream. Slow down. Yes, you have a million things to do and they all seem "important." But the most important thing I need to be doing is living my life - not worrying about what errand "must" get done or whether my passport will arrive "in time" without expediting or getting it out today, not worrying about whether the house is clean enough, or whether the girls are listening when they should be, or whether Mr. Darcy is going to cut a hole in my walls for his new tv. She's telling me that's not what matters. She's telling me I'll miss my life, my time with my children and my husband, if I keep scurring around like this. At the end, which will come all too soon whether it's tomorrow of 80 years from now, if I haven't lived then that will be the true accident. How do I know this is what she's telling me? Confirmation in the form of the tears running down my face and the warmness on my back and in my chest as though someone is holding me tight and telling me everything is going to be okay as I bawl like a baby.
I love you, Angela. I will endeavor to look for what is truly important each day and to live - not just survive. "Funny" how even though you're "gone" from this life you're still letting me know the what's what just like you did when you were "here."