It is Tuesday and I'm done feeling sorry for myself. So I have some issues with my thyroid/metabolism/ whatever. I decided that this morning I would get up and start the day anew. I ordered a couple of books on the Paleo Diet (The Paleo Diet and The Paleo Diet for Athletes) from Barnes and Noble this morning and plan to head over to the actual store (they didn't have those books in stock) to see about The Zone Diet as well.
As I said to my friend yesterday, I almost feel like giving up and eating whatever I want and just not caring. Except that I can't. I'm not wired that way. Perhaps it's because I saw my Mom struggle in exactly the same way and frighteningly was at one point the same weight I am now, but she's almost 2 inches shorter. I saw how much she hated how she looked and was constantly worried about how she looked and I'm pretty sure that she, like me, never liked what she saw in the mirror. She also would comment how after having me, her body was never the same. Sound familiar?
I have a feeling I learned a lot of my behaviors and attitudes regarding my body image from watching my Mom. Even when I was 118 back in high school and early college before the PCOS kicked in, I thought myself fat and could tell you that my arms were flabby and my stomach was not as flat as it should be. I ran cross-country (although we know how loosely "ran" was), although I did run mile after mile (with some walking thrown in) at practices and I never liked what I looked like.
And truly, I abhor how I look now. But today I endeavor to start to like how I look. I am going to do my best to say something nice about my body every day. I may even make myself write it down. I may have to work my way up, but for today I can say that I think I have pretty eyes. I like the way they are shaped and their blue color, and the way that if I wear blue they look bluer and if I wear green they take on a greenish hue even though I have blue eyes, not blue-green hazel. (Don't worry. I won't do my daily affirmations on the blog.)
The nice bit was that when I told Mr. Darcy that I gained weight, he told me that he had thought I had actually lost weight. I am chosing to believe him and not let myself think that he was just being nice. I have a tendency to not believe compliments. I always say thank you, but somehow never believe that person actually means it. It really is rather strange because why would people say things "just to be nice." It's much easier not to say anything at all.
So today, I am going to just do my best. I have this fear that doing my best is not going to be good enough. But perhaps that's why I like triathlon and strange little challenges in life because they show me that my best is not going to be "good enough" to win, but yet I survive and am happy all the same. I am starting to realize that I've always worried about letting everyone else down in some way or another no matter how hard I try. And yet I try and am always worrying.
Maybe it's because I'm turning 35 this year, but I'm realizing that I've been living an awful lot for other people. Not to get fat for Mr. Darcy. Not to spend too much time away for the kids. Not to drop out of law school for my parents. Etc. etc. I'm not saying that all of these are necessarily bad for me either. But I need to do things for me. As my friend Sheryl told me today, "You need to just accept and be the state of the art you and tell everyone else to kiss your @ss." Meaning, just do your best for yourself, accept that you are who you are and you need to be happy with who you are, and if other people aren't, then too bad.
And that is what I am going to do. I will read the books about the zone diet and the paleo diet, do what I think is the best (because I'm already not so sure that getting rid of all dairy is really the way to go, although I am concerned that low fat shredded cheese has potato starch in it for thickening), do my best to eat healthy and exercise, and that is the best me I can be.
So this morning, after sending the liliputians to school with Mr. Darcy (while Ladybug was putting up a fight about everything - she's pushing envelopes this week and we're having to make sure those envelopes get returned to sender so she's following our instructions instead of the other way around), I got up and rode the trainer for a full hour while watching part of "Julie and Julia." It was really quite good, and made the hour go by pretty easily. Then I had a cheribundi plus protein - it's cherry juice with whey protein in it - (I'll be reviewing Cheribundi on Thursday so stay tuned!), an egg with about 1/4 c. of low fat shredded cheese, and an orange for breakfast.
I re-read part of the Tri-Power book and realized that I mis-read something before, so I'm going to do the TriPower assessment today during my lunch break instead of the yoga. Then I'm going to start the TriPower program tomorrow, which means the stretching and yoga can be MWF (hopefully at the YMCA) after all and the core and weight stuff can be TR during lunch. I'm not 100% sure if I should start with the Maintenance Phase since I'm already in my season, or whether I should go ahead and do the stages in order and then attempt to do them lined up with my season next year. But I'm sure I'll muddle through.
So by having my eating in line and my workouts going, I'm doing my best ... and my best is going to be good enough because it's all I've got. No more feeling sorry for myself, here's to a new day!