Monday, November 23, 2009

Insomnia, My Old Friend

My insomnia is back.  So I sit here unable to sleep and not wanting to toss and turn and take the chance of waking Mr. Darcy who not only has Angelfish's head cold from earlier this week but who also is exhibiting symptoms of shingles (although his rash is not disgusting at this point).  He's pretty miserable, and tomorrow morning he'll be calling the doctor for the earliest appointment he can get.

We had a good weekend until we talked to Mr. Darcy's parents and realized that he might have shingles.  His grandmother had it when I was pregnant with the Little Ladies, so when I was describing how Mr. Darcy felt and how he had a rash over where he had muscle pain and that the rash would show up the day after the pain started, Mr. Darcy Senior said "sounds like shingles."  I went online (of course) and found webmd's lovely pictures of the rash and Mr. Darcy's looks like a minor case of the early stages of shingles.  The other sad news is that Mr. Darcy Senior's knee surgery has left him with more pain and a lot of swelling, he can't manuever well on crutches and thus is spending his time getting around in a wheel chair, and with all his physical therapy appointments and the machine that moves his knee for 6 hours everyday, they won't be able to make it for Thanksgiving.  We weren't sure how they were going to do it either, but they had been hopeful when we talked to them last Tuesday.  So we weren't surprised but we were saddened. 

We had a ton of fun with our friends from the ATL at Sea World.  The girls got along well and were all in good moods, at least after Ladybug had a terrible fit and time out in the ladies room at Sea World first.  I had to hold the door shut from the outside of the stall while leaning all my body weight back.  The child is strong.  Good side affect was that my back felt better afterwards.  Bad side effect - I'm pretty sure that a ton of women think I'm evil because I let my child scream "let me out" and wail and all sorts of things.  I got a lot of nasty looks.  At one point, I wasn't a saint - Ladybug crawled out from the stall under the door and kicked my leg.  I picked her up put her on the toilet seat and told her she was in time out because she was being a brat.  Not one of my finer moments.  But then I went on the other side of the door again, and held it shut and didn't say a word for the rest of the 3 minutes that seemed to be an eternity.  Our friend was in the bathroom toward the end of the time out and she said that she thought I was doing really well... and I really needed to hear it at that point. : )  But after that, it was smooth sailing! 

Their little man at all of 8 months old was the cutest thing!  Even Mr. Darcy wanted to hold him and Mr. Darcy avoids holding babies.  Not because he doesn't like them, but because he likes them and doesn't want to be tempted into having more of them.  But he couldn't resist holding little C.  I couldn't resist it either.  A little guy who chews on your fingers and smiles at you with those teething gums showing is too much to resist.  So I held him while he napped at one point.  I resist holding babies alot because it makes me want them too.  The irony was that the night before I had a dream that we had a baby boy and named him Benjamin.  And sitting there holding the little C. man, I wanted another baby.  Mr. Darcy even joked at dinner that we could have another one, and I told him he better not say things he doesn't mean.  Later I told him I would like to have another one, and he said he'd need to think about it and let the idea sink in some.  I'm guessing it's going to come back down to his not wanting another child because life is just sort of settling down with the girls.  But I could be wrong, you never know...  Either way, we had a great time with our friends.

I also had fun with the ladies I went to see "New Moon" with.  The movie was good - at least if you've read the book.  The acting wasn't terrible this time, so I actually enjoyed it.  Fluff is a good thing at times, and this was definitely one of them.  Afterwards we had coffee and chatted and it was a lot of fun.  Then it was home to discover a naked Ladybug crying while Angelfish "helped" her Daddy try to fix their dressser drawer.  Ladybug had an accident and was having trouble with the drawers when Mr. Darcy decided to fix it for her.  Ladybug doesn't really like change (she's a lot like Mr. Darcy that way - has to let it sink in and decide whether or not she likes the idea of the change before embracing the change) so she was a bit worked up about the whole thing.  Meanwhile, Angelfish was handing Mr. Darcy the screwdriver and screws and the tracks.  She was loving it.  It reminded me of when I was really little and built a birdhouse with my Poppop.  Ladybug admitted she was upset about the drawers (especially since Mr. Darcy was rearranging the order of where clothing was so that she could reach it easier) and that if she was going to have a new drawer then she thought she needed all new underwear too.  I told her that we couldn't have new underwear because money doesn't grow on trees and that we have to use what we have.  She said okay and then I said "You just don't like change do you?"  and she said, "No. Why do things have to change?"  It was the sweetest thing.  She got over it a little bit later when I took her to the grocery store alone with me.  I had to laugh when we were in the car, pulling out of the driveway, and she said "why do you want me to go to the grocery store with you?"  I told her that it was so we could spend some time one on one, so that she didn't have to share me with her sister or her  Daddy.  She seemed to like that, and we had a good time.  So good that she forgave me without a 2nd thought when I completely forgot to get her cookie from the bakery for good behavior.  She remembered right when I did and we were 1/2 way home.

I had a blast with the girls, with Mr. Darcy, with our friends this weekend! 

I also had a chat with my Dad about my Mom and her biopsy situation.  She hadn't told my Dad that she talked to me 3 times this week and she didn't tell him all the things she told me, and she didn't tell me all that she told him.  He and I are both on the same page about the information we have that she's told us from the doctor.  We both think there's a good chance that she has breast cancer, but we also are hopeful and think it could turn out to be nothing too.  But we also realize that she's not just being a positive thinker at the moment... she's more like the Queen of Denial that this could be something "bad."  Even if it is cancer, it's early enough that she'll be fine.  We're a little worried that if the news is that it is cancer, she's not going to take it well despite her bravado of "and if it does turn out to be cancer, I've told them to just do a mastectomy."  I know it's eating her up to have to wait until December 2nd for the biopsy and December 3rd for the results. But whatever the news, we will pull through. That is what we do.

It was kind of funny though.  I said something on the phone to my Dad and it made a lot of sense with all that is going on.  I told him that sometimes I get frustrated with them, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them.  And that's sort of how I feel about my life right now.  I get frustrated with life and it's bad news for my friend and the scare for my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't love life.  In fact, I think it's because I do love it.  I love the people in my life and I don't want bad things to happen to them.

But I also realized while writing this post in my insomniatic state that it also has to do with fear.  I've always had 2 fears in my life.  One was that my best would never be good enough.  Good enough for what, I'm not always sure, but probably for people to keep loving me or for life to stay good or something.  And the other is that I would end up alone.  Cancer especially is a double threat for my fears.  Reality is, even if I was a doctor or a researcher, I may not be able to find a cure for cancer.  Just like as a lawyer, I may not be able to help find a cure with fundraising.  My best efforts might not be good enough to save the life of someone I care about.  Goodness knows that I couldn't save Angela, although she'd probably laugh at the idea of me wanting to be able to ride in on the white horse to save the day and remind me that even though it sucks I don't get to control everything.  That job's already taken by the Big Guy Upstairs. 

And second, cancer threatens my fear of being alone.  I've never been the type to be with people who weren't good for me just to be with people, but I've always wanted to be with people who I liked and admired.  I'm a "people person" - I like people despite the fact that there are some people who suck.  There are just so many more that don't.  And those in my life are the ones I want to be around.  They definitely do not suck and are good to their cores.  They're sometimes hard to find in this world, but when I find them I want to be around them.  But cancer likes to take people away and to feed into that fear that I will end up alone in this world not being able to share life and its insanity and its beauty with someone.  Maybe that's why I'm so selfish with my family time too.  I'm an only child and when my parents are gone, I feel as though in some ways I'll be all alone in one aspect of my world.  So I value all the time I can get with them.

Well, it goes to show that insomnia sometimes is a helpful counselor.  It's when those fears bubble up that you can't sleep (even after 3 advil which normally put me to sleep) that sometimes you figure it all out.

The good news is that it is all positive.  I will do what I can do to raise money and help others raise money for cancer research in whatever way I can.  I will love the people I have in my life for the length of time that they are given to me to love.  I will live in the moments of my life the best I can.  I will accept (although I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with the idea) that there are things in this life that are outside of my control and that I have to trust in God's plan even when I don't understand it (and especially when I in my narrow view of the universe would think I'd make things be different).  And if I end up alone, I will know that I did my best and that is really all that any of us can do and that no matter what the outcome it will just have to be good enough.

So now, after being awake in the middle of the night for more than 2 hours, I'm going to try to make myself sleep.  I'll be taking the Little Ladies to school in a few hours, attempting to at least get 5-10 minutes of cardio and some weight training in before the work day starts (more cardio would be better of course, but I only have so many hours in the day), remember to water the plant on the front porch, work a full day, have a fun lunch with my friend J (if she's not scared off by my email disclaimer about Mr. Darcy's possible shingles), probably take care of Mr. Darcy a bit, feed and have fun with Angelfish and Ladybug this evening, and try to make up for my lost sleep by going to bed early.

I hope you all have a great Monday and that my tome here wasn't too overly depressing... there is joy for me in getting it out and realizing that I can do what I can do and that is empowerment in and of itself.  So thanks for putting up with it!

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