Friday, November 6, 2009

The Day I Thought Would Never Come...

arrived today.  That was the day that I laid in bed when I first woke up and said "I don't want to swim."  I LOVE swimming.  But  I didn't go, I had grape nuts and yogurt, a v-8 and a cup of coffee in a quiet and peaceful house after the lilliputians went off to school with Mr. Darcy instead. Why?  I know exactly why.  Because I don't feel like what I  am allowed to do in the pool right now is swimming.  I can't kick.  Pulling with the buoy, even if I try to "jazz it up" with some drills, is not swimming.  Sure, I can get great body rotation going and really work on my form and all that.  But what I can't do is the fun part.  The part that gets me in the pool.  I can't sprint.  Well, I can, but you don't realize how much sprinting involves your legs.  I can get winded if I try hard enough but I'm still not feeling my body cut through the water in exactly the same way as when I can use my legs.  It makes me thankful that I am fully able bodied and that once my leg is healed, I will be able to do all the activities I did before.  But it also makes me a pouty swimmer... or should that be a pouty buoyer?

Plus I'm missing the bike and the run.  I even asked Mr. Darcy this morning if it would be a really dumb thing to do if I went for just a 1 mile walk in the neighborhood at a casual pace.  He told me, unequivocally, "YES."  I know he's right, but it's still rather tempting.  But to keep my demons at bay, I put on jeans and a shirt - something I wouldn't exercise in.  One of the demons that keeps bothering me is that I may be losing my fitness through this whole thing.  Which is why I should have swallowed my bile about using the buoy and just gone to the pool, but with my leg hurting to the point that I started my 1st moments out of bed with 800 mg of advil and poutiness I didn't.  Guess I can't complain about it since I'm not doing anything about it.

My mom, a retired RN, didn't make me feel better about things yesterday when I told her about the tippy toe problem.  First she said it could be a problem with my back instead of my leg.  She asked where the pain was radiating from.  I wasn't sure so I had to recreate the situation and before I even got close she was telling me to go back to flat footedness on the floor because she could hear in my voice how much pain I was having.  I told her it was radiating from my calf muscle about 1" to 1 1/4" below my knee down into the rest of my calf.  To which she replied, "You're sure you didn't hear a pop when this happened?"  Me: "No." Her:  "Well, be very sure to tell your doctor about this tip toe thing when you see him on Tuesday because if I had to guess, I'd say you either tore something or you pulled it very badly."  Me: "I'm going to chose to ignore your comment."  She just laughed at me.

The whole thing is kind of funny in a way.  A little over a year ago, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed to go for a run or to even ride my (at the time) hybrid bike.  I would convince myself that I would look silly if I couldn't finish my first triathlon, or that if I couldnt' do this how could I do Team in Training for Angela?  Then it was, I'm raising money for cancer research I can't stop with people making donations.  I'd let Angela down and all of those people too.  And then somewhere along the way, probably by the end of February, I did it because I loved it.  Okay I only thought running didn't suck in February.  My love for the run came much later, but the point is that it came.  Now, it's all I can do to keep myself from jumping on the bike for a 30 mile ride or running a few miles for fun... and it's because I'm injured.  I almost think it would be worth the instant gratification to go do it, but I know I'd be sorry later.  March is my A race.  It's November.  It should be okay.  But then the little voice in the back of my head says, "You're not that great of a runner.  What if you can't start really training until February? How the heck are you going to do a Half Marathon."  I tend to answer, "speed training, hard work and prayer."  But then there are days like this morning when I just say, "let's hope it doesn't get to that.

It really seems like a silly thing to get down in the dumps about, but it's the one thing that is 100% mine.  I do it for me.  I know it is good for my girls to see me do these things and all that, but when I am perfectly, unabashedly honest, I do it for me.  Part of that is for the memory of Angela.  I feel her with me in my races, especially when I get to a hard point.  She was so amazingly peaceful and accepting of the fact that the Good Lord was calling her home.  She didn't worry about herself, but she worried about all of us who loved her that she was leaving behind.  I can't help but think to myself, Angela didn't want to go through chemo and being sick.  What you're doing in NOTHING compared to that.  So hush up and enjoy the race.  And it works.  And to be quite honest, I know Angela's with me right then when I think that because while she'd never use herself as the example, she had no time for complaining.  Life was hard and that was how it was, move on and look for the stuff that was good in it.  Part of my training is about helping me deal with the fact that she is not here anymore.  I refuse to delete her email out of my address book or take her blog off my list.  There are times I go to forward stuff to her via email - jokes, sweet things, news articles, etc.  - just like before.  Then there are times I'm sending something to someone else and her email pops up as an option for someone to send to.  It stinks. 

Part of training is about my dealing with life in general.  My Grammy (who I am/was closest to of my grandparents) has alzhemers and doesn't remember me.  Unfortunately, now she's starting not to remember my Dad or my Mom, who are the ones that see her at least 3 times a week, take her to her doctor's appointments, etc. My Dad told me this week how she looked at him like she knew him for a moment and then he could see her eyes change like they do when she looks at someone she doesn't know, and it broke his heart.  Normally, I'd take that out on my bike or on my run or in the pool.

Part of training is about dealing with my career.  I made a choice that has been good for many reasons, but that doesn't really make me happy.  Most days I am just okay with my work, some days that I down right am bored or hate it, and days that I am happy with it are so rare and far and few between (and usually have something to do with a non-work related item that happened at work).  Yes, I can mentally do it and mentally it can be a challenge.  But I do not love being a lawyer.  I absolutely loathed working in a law firm.  In house is better, but I feel deep down that it's not really who I am.  I've often thought that I should have been a nurse, a nurse practitioner, or a doctor of some sort.  Something where I work with people and feel like I am helping them, plus my love of science and the human body and how it works and what it does (and sometimes doesn't do) is in there too.  The miracle of it all.  Just think about blogging.  I think or feel something and my hands and brain were able to learn how to use a tool to type and give me a way to express myself.  Thinking about how all that works is just simply amazing.  Training lets me run away (sometimes literally) from the "mistake" I made that as I said is good because I have a solid job that pays decently (although I still don't make as much as I did when I left my old law firm) and now gives me good hours that work well with my family and training, but that doesn't get me up in the mornings excited about the day.

Training lets me feel good about myself - what I can accomplish, what I can do.  I've never been one to say "I can't do that." when it comes to most things.  I can talk myself out of something for a lot of logical reasons, but not because I'm not capable of doing it.  But it always amazes me when I go that much further or that much faster.  It also makes me feel better about how I look.  I have so much excess skin from having the twins that I can grab it and pull it up to my rib cage/chest area.  As I've lost fat, it has just become looser.  Which is okay because I can tuck it into pants, move it around,etc. to make it look a little better.  Sure, I still sometimes get a random stranger who asks me if I'm pregnant because my arms and legs are thin in comparison, but when I train I know I am doing all I can to make my body into a great machine.  It lets me accept all my health issues and that my body is a certain way, but that with training I'm making the best it can be with the issues that it has.

So, that's what I'm missing right now.... more than just getting out of the house, I'm missing all of that.

In light of yesterday and this morning's news about the shootings at Fort Hood, it seems a little silly.  I'm aware of that.  I am not a fan of war, which I often see as politics when nothing else seems to work.  I am also not a fan of groups that think it's okay to use God (under any name, whether it be Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, or so on) as a reason to justify killing and maiming others.  I also know that we are in danger, not just in the US but around the world, from those who are recruited and brain washed to agree with these folks.  I am proud of all of our military personnel.  They offer themselves, their lives, to protect others and to protect something they believe in. 

Most of all I feel pain and sadness for every one at Fort Hood, all their family members and loved ones, and for the community they once shared that is now lost a little bit.  I don't understand what could drive anyone to massacre a group of people, even if you disagreed or hated them, but I feel sorry for the man who did this because somewhere somehow he was able to lose his humanity to do such a terrible thing.  I feel badly for his family who now will have to live with the stigma of his actions and even worse the hostility of those who will attribute any terroristic or militant islamic beliefs to them where none exist.  I feel for the rest of us too, who have to try to understand why and how people can do this to one another and have fear that it could happen to them too. 

Somehow, even this is something that I work out in my head and my heart when I train.  I'm not solving the
world's ills, just figuring out my corner of it seems easier one mile of training at a time.  Selfish as it may be.

Saturday morning I'm volunteering at Junior League's 5K Harvest Run.  We're raising money for Junior Leagues Health, Hunger and Poverty initiatives in the Orlando area with the entry fees.  We're also asking that all of the runners bring canned goods with them to the race that we are donating to the Second Harvest Food Bank here in Orlando.  We've had canned food drives a bunch of different places, and if my math is correct, we've donated around 900 pounds of canned goods so far.  If you'd like to run (or act as a ghost runner), visit:  Since it's the day before the race, the entry fee is $35. (Not sure why I didn't think to post this earlier....).  It's (of course) torturing me not to get to run in the race, but what can you do?

Immediately afterwards I'm headed to the girls' last soccer game of the season.  I have to say I'm thrilled this season is over.  The Little Ladies had no interest in playing other than saying they wanted to play.  We're thinking about dance or gymnastics or swimming instead.  Although they seem to be showing some interest in tennis now that Mr. Darcy is playing in a league, so we may opt in that direction also.  Ladybug even said to me this morning that she wanted to play with Mr. Darcy last night but all the courts were taken.  Mr. Darcy told her we could hit some tennis balls this weekend (he bought them their very own tennis raquets a few months back).  Last weekend they were into riding bikes, so I still have some hope for their triathlon prospects too. : )

I also need to give a shout out to my friends who are racing Ironman Florida this weekend: Missey and Coach Beth!  I will be following them via internet, but I wish I could be there to see them cross the finish line and to hear them announce "YOU ARE AN IRONMAN" for each of them.  I'll be there in spirit, though, ladies!!

It should be a good yet busy weekend!

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