Today is a beautiful day. It's in the upper 40's and the sun is shining and the sky is a brilliant color of blue.
Today, my friend Angela would have been 35 if she hadn't been taken from us by sarcoma. Today is the type of day that Angela would have loved when we were in high school. She probably would have skipped class in the afternoon to go to C'ad Zan her favorite museum and cavort about the grounds. If I was feeling extra daring (which was extremely rare - I was more afraid of being caught by my father who was a school teacher and thought of skipping school as a mortal sin), I would have gone with her and we would have hung out on the triangular sculpture on the museum grounds, overlooking Sarasota Bay. It would have been awesome. So mentally, that's where I'm going with Angela today. For her Birthday. Tonight after work, I'll pick up Ladybug and Angelfish from daycare and meet Mr. Darcy for dinner somewhere for a mental birthday celebration in her honor. Angela was as beautiful person and so it's only fitting that today would be a beautiful day, even if there's a bit of heartache in it because she is missed. Happy Birthday, Angela.
Today is also a beautiful day - and I should have known it would be this way because it's Ang's birthday and I should have known she'd look out for me - because my hystereoscope was perfect. Not the most thrilling procedure in the world, but also kind of cool. I now know what my cervix, uterus and entryways to the fallopian tubes look like. And even better than it being cool, the doctor said everything looks perfect. No sign of cancer, polyps, or any other issues. He said it looks so good that he could have used it as an example of perfect health for his medical students. So, his theory (which ironically was Mr. Darcy's guess as well) is that the crazy bleeding was because of a build up due to taking my pills the way I do to prevent the endometriosis from growing and my body just decided to get rid of all that old stuff. And the pain is due to having a "frozen pelvis" as they call it and possibly endometriosis on my intestine. So now, it's just to regulate the pain and if it gets bad enough that I cannot take it any longer, a hysterectomy. But we're all hoping that won't be for many years to come.
When we talked about options for the pain, I told him about my cortisol being high and my thyroid level and that I gained 15 pounds over the past year instead of losing any weight despite eating healthy, typically undereating (and that I'm working on that too), and all the training I do and he said I need to get that checked out. I told him that I had and the doctor prescribed phenamine and that I plan to see a different doctor. He gave me the names of 2 that are good (1 of whom is someone that a friend suggested as well) and asked me who I saw so he would be sure not to send anyone to her. So I feel a bit vindicated on that front too. Now, if those test results would just arrive in the mail so I can get the appointment set up....
Today is a beautiful day because Mr. Darcy found my running shoes last night. My beloved new Brooks Trace 9's (and no, I'm not sponsored... yet. I still haven't heard). Yesterday I was stressed. Stressed like I've not been since I can't remember when. I think it must have been a build up of missing Angela, worrying about the weight issue, the doctor issue, everything that is on my plate, the fact that my scope was today, the pressure I put on myself in general, the realization that the house was a wreck (despite cleaning it up 2 days earlier) and that the cleaning people are coming... you name it. I've been having problems remembering things lately too, which is not like me at all. I have the memory of an elephant. But stress can do that to you. First, I put on my clothes for the trackworkout and couldn't find the watch that goes with my HR monitor. 4 treks around the house, and it's in the drawer that I've already looked 3 times. Then I can't find my running shoes. I go around the house looking everywhere and get the towel, the cellphone, a piece of paper and pen for a sign up sheet for this weekend's Team in Training fundraiser, my spybelt, my keys. But I can't find the one very important thing that I need - my shoes. And I guess it was my tipping point because I balled my eyes out on the phone with Mr. Darcy over not being able to find my shoes and knowing that there is something wrong with me when I'm so forgetful and fat and I'm getting so upset over not being able to find shoes. So, Mr. Darcy suggested the obvious - where my old pair. It was only 1 workout.
But that made me cry harder because I just spent so much on the new pair and new inserts. I am not a crier, so this was troubling. I ended up wearing my old pair and going to practice so I could collect all the letters from people and to get people signed up for the fundraiser because well, that's my responsibility.
I ended up going and I'm glad I did. We did abs. We ran a 800 warm up and then did 4x200 speed work, an 800 recovery, followed by 10x100 speedwork and a 800 cool down. Coach told me that I was going to be a runner yet and that my form was so incredibly better than last year. That of course put a bit of a smile on my face. I liked the speedwork, and it helped with stress. Of course, it's cold as all get out and I was in shorts, a t-shirt and a long sleeve top. My legs were numb, but I didn't mind. Funny how getting those endorphins pumping make you feel better. Not perfect but better. I got home and Mr. Darcy and the girls had scoured the house and couldn't find my running shoes either. Then while I was playing with the girls, Mr. Darcy was doing something in the kitchen and called out my name. I turned around to see him digging through a green publix bag and he says, "What's in this bag?" Me: "Dunno." And then he starts laughing and pulls out my running shoes. I started laughing too. My beloved running shoes, for whom I cried only hours earlier.
Today is beautiful because the girls love me and I know I'm being watched over by my Poppop. Last night, the girls were playing and Ladybug said to me that Charlie was watching over them to protect them. Charlie was what my Poppop went by (his real name was Casmir... we're Polish, remember?) and I somehow has this warm feeling go through me that in fact, he was watching over all of us. I asked her who Charlie was and she showed me a doll. I asked her where Charlie got her name and she said, "It just came to me." Usually the names that my children make up for dolls sound like something out of the United Nations - names that are just made up words that sound like a foreign tongue. So, I'm pretty sure the universe gave me a little hint last night. Last night, the girls snuggled with me and wanted me to tell them stories about when they were little bitty babies. I told them about how their Daddy and I picked their names and the next morning I woke up and knew which baby belonged to which name, even though they were still in utero and that when I saw them when they were born, I knew that their names suited them and that we'd been waiting for them. I told them about their 1st Christmas and their 1st Halloween and their learning to walk. They begged for more. It was amazing.
This morning they wanted me to tell them more stories about them as little babies on the way to daycare. They were so sweet and loving and while stalling as usual, they were pretty good about getting ready and out the door.
Today is beautiful because Mr. Darcy told me that he loves me. I cried about being heavy and not as attractive and he told me that he loves me for me and that he knows that I am trying my best and that no matter how big or small I get, he will always love me and never leave me for anyone. I really, really needed to hear that.
Today is beautiful because I am alive and even though I've been having a tough time of it I realize that I am loved and that my life is really a good one. I may not get to do my swim workout today because of the doctor's appointment and work and all of the things on my schedule for the day. But I will survive and I know that sometimes life isn't going to be just how I want it to be and I might not get to everything I want to do. It will be okay. Life sometimes gets in the way of our plans, but it tends to be for a reason.
And that's why today is a beautiful day.