I figure it's time to sit up and pay attention. Last night I had a really awful dream. I was being held hostage with a group of people in a hotel while on a work trip by a crazy man who wanted to make sure we were "real Americans" by 1) making us take a test and 2) blowing us all up, no matter how well we did on the test. Here I was dressed nicely in a suit, looking rather good, and feeling like all I wanted to do was see my husband and my children again. Somehow at one point in my dream, I escaped to the parking lot where none of the cars would start but I had my cellphone and called Mr. Darcy to tell him that I loved him beyond anything in this world and that I loved our children more than I could express and that everything was going to be OK. I asked him to try to raise our children so that they always knew I loved each of them and would be proud of them, and that if he re-married in a few years after my death I completely understood but to please choose someone who would love our girls like their own, and that I knew that because our girls were so young that they would probably forget me but to try to let them always know how much I loved them, and that my life would have never been as good or as happy as it had been if it weren't for him. I told him that I was sorry we'd been having our issues lately and that what I really needed him to know was that I love him and our life together and I always would. That's when the crazy man caught up to me and forced me back into the building at gunpoint and I got to be the lucky lady to sit on the top of where the bomb was even though I had gotten a 100% on his little history test. Then I woke up.
So I made sure to tell Mr. Darcy how much I loved him. I didn't say anything about the getting re-married thing because well, that would only apply if I were DEAD, which I was most gratefully NOT. I did tell him I was sorry we'd been having issues and that I love him and our life together even if we fight sometimes. I hugged my children when they got up (Ladybug a little after she got up since she was in a bit of a mood and I gave her some space) and told them I love them.
I think that whatever this dream was about, it's about making sure that the people I love know it. I need to let go of whatever ideas I had about how things are supposed to be: time for myself, not having to be in charge of everyone else's life, food and schedules, things not having to fit into perfect little boxes of what I think they should belong in. Just be happy and love the time I have in my life and to make sure the people I love know they are loved.
So that's my plan. I hope to stick to it so that it won't take either a disaster or dreaming about a disaster to make me get back to the plan.
Luckily, I had a 1700 m swim today. The 3 x500s with negative splits for each helped get the jitters from the dream out, and help the mental plan stick. So, be sure to tell the people you love in your life that you love them today.