A Great Ride, an Emotional Jumble and a Deer

A Great Ride
This morning started with my workout. Let's just say one does get a little bit tired of being the only one on time. I made it down to the bike shop - where we were to meet for our morning ride - at 6 am. The ride was to leave at 6:30, but I had a 20 minute "run" keeping my heart rate down under 135. Jose was supposed to meet me but he wasn't there, so at 6:08 I decided to start running the parking lot for my 20 minutes. He eventually arrived while I was running and trying to mentally coax my heart rate back under 135. It wasn't working so I slowed to a brisk walk for a bit and then decided to run with him a bit, but when the heart rate alarm went off telling me I was in the upper heart rate zone at 162, I resumed briskly walking. I have a feeling my highest HR is higher than the 185 allotted. I'm going to have to get someone who knows what they're doing (hint, hint Coach) to help me do that so we can make my settings more personal instead of the average person setting. Anyway.

Then I waited around for the rest of the cyclists and we left around 7 am. Turned out we had to stop by another business park and pick up a few other people for the ride... all of whom were very good cyclists and who left me in the dust.

But, I still had a good ride. I have decided that I am no one else in the race but me. It's just me and my goals, not me and other people. Once I get better at this gig, then I will think about actually trying to beat other people. I was thrilled with today's ride and am even more in love with my bike! The bike computer was switched over from the old bike so I could really see what I could do. I probably could have switched to harder gears while riding today but 1) my workout dictated an easy ride and 2) I am still getting used to the new bike. In a medium gear, I was able to have a cadence of anywhere from 85 to 100 with ease, and I pretty much averaged around 17 to 17.5 mph. It was awesome! There were times that I was riding at 18 mph going up hill. At one point I was going 18.3 mph uphill, and then went 22.3 mph downhill. And this was an easy ride! How fast can I go in a harder gear, I wonder? I resisted the temptation to find out today, only because I know I have a 7 mile run scheduled for tomorrow morning and because Coach was out there riding too. It's like getting caught misbehaving by your Mom so I didn't bother to try to go all out. I didn't quite get to the 25 miles scheduled, but figured the 24.7 miles was close enough since we got a later start. The best part? I did it in around 1 1/2 hours. Go me!

an Emotional Jumble
On the way home I started thinking about yesterday's post and my post from last Friday. I realized that they might look a little bi-polar because in one, I mention how over all I have a good life with not much to complain about and then yesterday I was, well, sort of complaining. The thing is, both are true. I don't know where I got this idea in my head that my life should be more than ordinary to be a truly successfully lived life, but I did and that sticks with me.

By most standards, I would say I have a happy life: a husband who loves me, two wonderful children, a good job, a nice house, decent health, some dear and wonderful friends (who I miss because the don't live near me), and a love for triathlons and training for triathlons. But then there is this other standard that I also apply to my life: I need to do more than just exist on the planet. There is this entire world of stuff that is here for us to explore. I subscribe to an opinion stolen from The Color Purple, God doesn't care for it when we walk by a purple flower and don't even notice it. Of course, I apply that notion to people as well as things. I also think we need to look out for one another and that we are put in each others lives at just the right moment for a reason. So, that is why feeling tethered to my house raises all these problems for my happiness. I don't feel like I'm doing all that I can do for others, and I certainly do not feel like I am out there enjoying life to the fullest like I should be. This is not to say that I do not savor the moments with my children and my husband because I do. They are roses that I stop to smell too. It's just sometimes you need to explore a different garden... and my hope is to share the experiences with them. It certainly is not nearly as fun to see it all alone.

Maybe how I'm thinking about all of this is best described in what I've taken from the movies that have been my favorites in life. First, "It's a Wonderful Life" - we're all interconnected and being good for and to one another is one of the most important things in life. Everything we do touches the lives of another. Next, "The Dead Poets Society." I believe there is a line in the movie that says something along the lines of "seize the days, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." I think that pretty much sums that one up. "The Pirates of the Carribean": the quest for love and freedom should never stop even if you have to go to the ends of the earth and back, and you might as well have fun while doing it. "Amelie": there is someone for everyone and doing good things for others warms the soul - both yours and theirs. And then there's the multitude of books I love, but basically I like the books that have someone wanting the best for their lives and finding it in extraordinary ways, whether that be in love or other aspects of their lives.

Perhaps I set the standard too high. Or perhaps my efforts in reaching it have, as of late, been too low. I am not certain which it may be, but I do know that I have been trying to be the best me I can be each and every day. Somewhere in focusing on doing that, I've realized that to be truly happy I need "more" in my life. Bill and I talked last night about putting together a list of things we'd like to do in the area and to start doing them on the weekends. I think it's a good idea but would rather fly by the seat of my pants in doing it. Unfortunately, with two almost 3 year olds, Half Iron Man training, and a husband who doesn't mind doing things but would be just as happy tooling around the house all day, flying by the seat of my pants probably isn't going to cut it. So we'll try the list. We also are going to try to have lunch once a week to get me out of the house. And we're going to try to start working on our house (painting projects, etc) to really make it ours... probably during the work week evenings after the munchkins are in bed. I'm also going to join a group here in town that is a women's networking group that does charitable works in the community. A good way to meet people and feel like I am helping others to appease my psyche.

So, as I said in my post last week: I have a good life and I'm blessed in many ways. But truth be told, I still want more and I plan to find it. Figuring it all out is part of my life.

and A Deer
Last night we were finishing up dinner when out from the preserve behind our house came a beautiful deer. She was amber colored and had such a peaceful gait. Our neighbor put up a fence recently and I think the deer had planned to cut through the yard but the fence was in the way. So she stood, thinking (it appeared). We showed the girls and all watched quietly from inside the house - keeping our girls (and ourselves) from running out onto the back porch to get a closer look. I swear that the deer was looking right at me the entire time. Such beauty and peace. Such a wonderful moment. Then she just walked back into the preserve the same way she walked out.

Then Ladybug asked, "is an elephant going to come out next?" "a horse?" "a cow?" "a monkey?" She too seems to be looking for more.

The Plot Revealed, Aerodite, and the Run that Wasn't

The last I wrote, the plot regarding an adventure was thickening but nothing seemed to be really moving... other than my discovery that the taxes on airfare overseas made them rather cost prohibitive for a family of 4 that includes 2 children around the age of 3. It would be one thing if they were 12 or some such age where they would actually get something out of a European country, but at the age of 3 it does not matter.

I did some research on flights, hotels, car rentals and the like. Finally after hearing that my sister in law and brother in law had taken an overnight trip without their children for their 10th anniversary, I lost my ability to control my frustration in our long string of conversations that never resulted in a decision. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are not big travelers, so I guess for whatever reason their hour long trip away from their house for a romantic 2 days was enough for me to lose all sense of reason. But, I didn't yell or nag. I just said that I wanted us to get things settled. I am doing my best to ask directly for what I want these days. So the decision was Trip or no trip, primarily because we needed to get things booked before June 1 if we wanted to be able to get the best out of our world points.

Thanks to a world points misunderstanding on my part, we were able to get all 4 tickets (although not direct flights like I was looking at) for less than our total worldpoints between the two of us. So, we are going to Seattle this October! YAY! The plan is to go to Seattle, see what we can see, hopefully see some family as well since 2 of my uncles and aunts live out there and 1 of my cousins (none of whom have yet to personally meet A&M), and to cross over the border into Canada to see Vancouver. I am rather excited and now have to get the girls their passports and work on the other details of the trip (like which hotel, car rental and such).

And no, in case you're wondering, I did not misspell Aerodite. That is the name of my new bike. She is definitely the goddess of beauty and love BUT she is quite aerodynamic and a dream to ride, thus my tweaking of the spelling of her name so that it perfectly fits. And to think I contemplated calling her Rosa. Much too mundane for my lovely lady! I am completely in love with her. I rode 40 miles on Saturday, which I've never done before, and was pretty darn fast (by my standards) even though I was only using the small gears while I got used to steering in aero, etc. It was wonderful and I could walk afterwards with no problems. My legs weren't nearly as tired and I felt so efficient and fast. I am much more confident that I will be able to do the 56 mile bike (with all its hills) by the September 70.3 now. And I feel so lucky! I would not have been able to buy such a bike for a very long time had I not won it!

After returning from my ride with the rest of the red bike brigade (as named by Missy... and photographed by the same),

we decided that the fam would head to Mr. Darcy's parents in Orange Park so that we could spend time with his parents and attend our niece's 5th birthday party Sunday evening. We got there around 5ish and had dinner, and somewhere I fell asleep afterwards. I felt so terrible that I did but I couldn't help myself. I only woke when Mr. Darcy said he was going to put the girls down for the night. I helped and then went to sleep myself.

The next day we spent with Mr. Darcy's parents and the girls around the house and at their neighborhood pool. Then it was naps for all and on to the birthday party. Angelfish and Ladybug were so well behaved and had a wonderful time, as did we.

As for the run that wasn't, well. This morning's workout as set by my coach was a 60 minute run keeping your heart rate under 135 walking as necessary to accomplish this. So essentially I had to briskly walk 50 of the 60 minutes because anytime I tried to run or jog or barely jog my heart rate went up to 140 or higher (152 being the highest I let it go before walking). Finally, the last 10 minutes of the session I was able to jog at the slowest pace I was capable of producing and my heart rate actually stayed under 135 (although it was 132-134 the entire time and did touch 135 once or twice). FRUSTRATING. I emailed my coach afterwards and she said she did it to show that we need to teach our bodies to be more efficient to keep our heart rate down and she was waiting for the emails to come in from everyone. So, I guess I will be in good company when we meet for our swim workout this evening, but man did I want to run, run, run and all I did was walk, walk, walk (briskly). I guess all I can do is focus on each day at a time and hope to improve along the way.

Speaking of which, the girls were champs in the potty training arena. Ladybug only had 3 accidents the entire weekend, 2 of which were nap time related. Whoo hoo! May the dry pants continue!

Success, Impatience, European Plots, and Other Matters

Success: Ladybug went an entire day without an accident yesterday and was a potty using champ! She rocks! When I got to daycare yesterday, Ladybug ran up to me gave me her hug and said, "Mommy I kept my underpants clean and dry all day! I want popcorn!" Not wanting to be fooled, I asked "You have the same underpants on that you had on this morning?" And she said "yes!" while flashing me. Sure enough. Same underpants! Will wonders never cease?

I told her how proud I was of her and gave her lots of kisses and hugs, and promised popcorn when we got home. At this point, Angelfish made sure to let me know that she kept her underpants dry and clean too. So she too got popcorn. And the best part? Ladybug went accident free all the way up to bed time when we put her in a pull up (she's not able to keep it dry at night yet) and put on her pajamas. She even got up to use the potty before going to bed, after our story! Let's hope this is the start of a nice long winning streak in the potty department!

Impatience: #1 The tri-bike I won, has been ordered. Now I wait, wait, wait for it to arrive at the bike shop. I was told that it could be here sometime this week, but it is already Wednesday. In the meantime, people have been inquiring as to whether I'm going to sell my road bike. If they'll give me the price I'm looking for yes, but otherwise I'm holding on to it. It's only 3 months old and is a wonderful bike. The bike shop owner and my coach recommend keeping it so that I can do road races or group rides that don't allow for triathlons and for those times I want to just train on a road bike instead of a tri-bike. So, if it happens to sell, great. If it doesn't, that's OK too. But, I REALLY want my Orbea tri-bike to arrive. (In my dreamy moments, I tell myself that it's being crafted and sent all the way from the Spanish Pyrenees, so I should be patient.)

#2 Blood work. I called the doctor's office yesterday about my blood work. I had it done last Tuesday, so you'd think they would have the results. Evidently, one of the tests that was ordered takes 7-10 business days for them to get the results so they don't have the blood work back yet. In this day and age, what in the world could they be doing with that blood that can take so incredibly long? They did tell me that my thyroid ultrasound showed that my thyroid is officially "slightly enlarged," but that there is no need for a biopsy or surgery. Anyway, I want to know the blood work results.

European Plots: Living in Atlanta spoiled us for overseas travel. Direct flights abounded. Living in Orlando means no direct flights to Europe. London would be at shortest 11 hours and 30 minutes, including flight times and layovers. Dublin, 15 hours. So now my darling hubby is attempting to distract my plots with tickets to the U2 concert that would be right in the time frame that I was talking about traveling. (U2 is my favorite band from my youth. I still love their music to this day - in fact, Angelfish and Ladybug were in utero at about 10 weeks at their last concert.) I have countered with the suggestion of attending the concert and going on a trip to Seattle, seeing my family who lives out there and crossing the border into Canada to go to Vancouver for a day or two. It's not Europe, but I've never been and always wanted to go. Plus, it brings us to just under 8 hours for layovers and flight times. If worst comes to worst, I will concoct an adventure to take on my own, but I would much prefer traveling with the fam. We shall see as the plotting continues.

Other matters: My morning swim was quite good. A 200 warm up, and 2 x 750 m negative splits. I felt like I was a little boat cutting through the water with little effort. But, I noticed that when I started to get a little tired I change my body position so that my head is not looking high enough and my chest is not held far enough forward. So I worked on it. When I stay in the right position, I am super fast! I made sure to maintain posture for the entire 2nd 750 m and I made the negative split easily with out much additional effort. The weird part too was that on that 2nd 750, I got so into a zone with it that I forgot where I was for a bit. I still somehow knew what lap I was on, but I had to remember whether it was my first or 2nd 8 (I count lengths in 8s, it's my swim number so I don't get lost on how many I've counted) because I was just going through the water like no body's business and evidently without a care in the world. It was almost like I fell asleep while swimming. You know, kind of like you do when you're really tired and driving a car... you are driving, your eyes are open, but you don't remember the past 5 miles. The only difference was that I didn't feel tired, I felt great!

And I had this nagging desire to tell the guy in the lane next to me that he crosses his arms over when he swims and that he needs to work on entering the water with his hands in line with his shoulders. This guy swims in the pool at the same time I do, is there almost every day I am there, and he works hard at his swimming. He uses the paddles and the zoomers, and does sprints and distances as well as just doing the paces. But he's never going to be able to get going really good until he stops crossing over. He does it with both arms, which is perhaps the only thing that keeps him moving in a semblance of a straight line, but his stroke is catty wampus. His right hand is entering the water in line with his left ear, and his left hand is in line with his right eye. Thus the slapping sound he makes when his right arm enters the water (that and his elbow isn't high enough). I don't know the guy. He has never even said hello in response to my greeting him on occasion when we both arrive at the pool at the same moment. Yet I want to fix his stroke. Maybe it's that slapping noise with the right arm... it's even worse when he breathes on the right side. Maybe it's my obsessive tendencies with swimming and/or perfectionism. Whatever it is, he's making me want to stop him (even in the middle of my swim) and tell him. Of course, he might find that rather impertinent. Ah well. I'll just have to be content to fix my own stroke and body position issues, and continue to out pace him in the pool.

So here's to a day of wishing for dry underpants, the arrival of my tri-bike and blood work, an adventure abroad, and good swim form! Tomorrow's workout will have me up rather early... I have a 1 1/2 hour bike workout that is supposed to be done on the trainer as it involves some 1 legged cycling, followed by a 30 minute run. So, think of me at 4:30 am!

A Weekend of Growth and Choices

This weekend was quite interesting. After a very angry shouting session where I fully expressed myself, and settling down a bit, Ladybug asked me, "Are you happy with me Mommy?" To which I replied, "Yes, honey. You make me so happy. You are wonderful and I love you very much." And made the choice to stop being angry.

A little bit later, Mr. Darcy decided he wanted to go with me for my 45 minute run. So we packed up the girls with snacks, drinks, and got them into the "blue car" and finally set off (about 1/2 an hour later), with Mr. Darcy pushing the car that seems to go by itself. 15 minutes into the run, I hear heavy panting behind me and being generous, I told him we'd walk for 3 minutes. Then we ran another 15 minutes, walked 3 minutes, and ran out the rest of the 45 minutes. Unfortunately, I had purposely skipped 2 sets of 500 calorie meals the day before to prove a point, a stupid point that showed nothing but that it would pay me back on the run. I was able to do the run because I ate some breakfast before the run, but being short on 1,000 calories from the day before doesn't help in the heat and I almost vomited the emptiness of my stomach during the run.

So, afterwards I made the choice to never do something so stupid again. I announced that I will eat what I want, when I want and if that wasn't acceptable then too bad. You have to fuel your tank to do what triathletes do, and you harm yourself when you don't.

I also explained that we all have choices in this world. I do my best to be the best me I can be every day. That is my choice. I chose to eat healthy, whole grains, vegetables, fruits, and lean meats and fish, and train for triathlons, and if that is not enough for my body to become acceptable for others that is their choice, not mine. I am the best me I can be. The others have the choice to accept me as I am and for that to be enough for their own happiness, or they can choose to be unhappy. I cannot control others happiness, nor am I going to spend my life trying to do that. That choice is up to them to make.

The growth that came from that choice was amazing. I always was taught that you should always work at self improvement but to never allow yourself to be proud of yourself. I chose now to no longer believe that. I realize now that I have to be my own best cheerleader because as a dear friend said to me, "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is because of their own reality, their own dream. Your best is always going to change from moment to moment. Under any circumstances, simply do your best." And I also found some inspiration from Triathlete Life magazine of all places. It was talking about the idea that some people have about who should do triathlons, and really it was up to each person to decide that no matter what shape or weight they start at that they are triathletes and take up the challenge. It all kind of came together.

I can be proud of myself as long as I do not reach the crazy mode of thinking that I am wonderful and can never improve or that I am the absolute "best." So that day I chose to be proud of myself. And I realized that all these years, my dearest friends who have been telling me I'm wonderful are right. I am pretty friggin' awesome to be quite honest. I'm even more lucky to have met people who challenge my notion of myself and inspire me to always improve, to value the wonderful in people, and to learn from others. I have met some amazing people, but I realize now that I am pretty amazing too.

I am smart, hardworking, friendly, kind, caring, a champion of those I love - friends and family alike. I am dedicated to my children and their happiness and their growth into caring and responsible people but without crushing their spirit and what makes them unique. I am supportive of my husband's dreams even when I don't necessarily want the same for myself. I love, honor and cherish my husband for all his faults and opinions, even those that I disagree with. I am accepting of people for all their faults and all their positives, but those that I truly respect are the ones I let into my life. I want to make this world a better place by being in it, and that's why charitable works and being a good friend and a good person and helping those who need it are so very important to me. I believe that we all deserve and have a right to be loved for who we are and that should be celebrated every day. I have endured many hardships in my life but I never want to be a complainer and I try to live each day with happiness and joy. I have my faults too. I am not perfect or a supermodel, and I never will be - no matter how hard I try. But I am the best me I can be on every day that I am on this planet. Some days this means I will be better than other days, but I am the best me I can be and I'm proud of me.

Coming to this realization and this belief made it a lot easier to have a nice rest of the weekend. After our run on Saturday and my epiphany and sharing my epiphany, the girls cracked me up because they wanted to take a shower with me. So we spent time playing in the water, just the 3 of us, which was a hoot. Angelfish and Ladybug truly are little water babies. I think, like their Momma, if they could spend all their time in the water or either on the pool deck or the beach, they'd be happiest of all. Poor Angelfish got shampoo in her eye and claimed that it burned for a good long while, even after I flushed her eye with water a few times. I think she was wanting some Mommy attention, personally. So I bundled her up in a towel and rocked her and snuggled with her on the bed. The next thing I knew Ladybug was trying to wake us up and Mr. Darcy was stopping her. So we napped a little longer.

After our nap, we played until Ladybug got up from her nap and then we played some more until I needed to make dinner for them. Mr. Darcy and I went to a restaurant in Winter Park called Chez Vincent for our anniversary. It was delicious! Perhaps the best meal I have had in an extremely long time. I had venison with sundried cherries and a sauce that was so tender and delicious that it was like heaven. Mr. Darcy had a filet mignon that he said was rather scruptious as well. For desert, we shared a Grand Marnier souffle with a little bit of chocolate sauce. Yum!

Sunday, we finally found a church that we love and plan to become members. Angelfish and Ladybug are to thank really, as they asked (completely unprompted) if we could go to church. I figured, out of the mouths of babes... So, All Saints Episcopal Church is the winner. It too is in Winter Park, but definitely worth our 30 minute drive. Then we had some lunch, did some errands, the girls fell asleep (and so did I) in the car, so we headed to try to buy honey from our local beekeeper forgetting that they are closed on Sunday. Then it was time for the wrap up party for my Team in Training team.

We had a blast - it was a pool party and all were there with good food and their families. Ryan had been raising money for TNT by raffling off a new Orbea bike - either an Onix road bike or the Ora tri-bike, winner's choice. I had already bought a ticket, but the way Ryan was asking for any more interested people for tickets right before the drawing, I was worried that he might not have sold enough tickets to cover the cost of the bike. I told Mr. Darcy that he needed to buy a ticket and Mr. Darcy resisted. Then I told him that he needed to go buy the ticket because I was worried that Ryan might not have sold enough to cover the cost of the bike and that I knew he had a $20 bill in his wallet. Mr. Darcy bought the last ticket.

To make things fair, Ryan mixed up all the tickets in a box, shook vigorously and mixed them by hand as well, and then had little AJ, a 3 year old Leukemia survivor whose Mom Hope was on our team, select the winning ticket. Mr. Darcy won the bike! He says that he is only starting to try to workout and I have been dedicated to my training so I should have the bike. I told him he could have the bike, but he insisted. So, I will be the proud new owner of a gorgeous Orbea Ora Tri-bike. (Pic below for those of you who love bikes...) I am super excited!
A great end to the weekend! This morning I hit a 4 mile run, and ran the entire thing with energy to spare, and this evening I'll have a swim workout as well. My swim gear (kickboard, paddles, buoy, and zoomers) was just delivered, and my heart rate monitor I ordered is in at the bike shop! 70.3 here I come!

My new baby...

I apologize for the hiatus in writing, but rest assured dear friends there has been no hiatus in training... just life getting in the way of my blogging as it is wont to do from time to time. And it is rather ironic that the last post I made was about biking. Even more ironic is the fact that in the last post I found a picture of a bike that I would love to own and posted it. Even more ironic than that is that I now own said bike and didn't even realize that I had a picture of it in my blog until this morning!!!

YES, I have a new baby. A beautiful white and black Fuji Roubaix Pro with Shimano 105 shifters, Shimano 105 front derailleur and a Shimano Ultegra (even better than the 105) back derailleur. And, I got it for $450 less than the MSRP that I saw online, which allowed me to get nicer clipless pedals and still save more than $350 off of that MSRP. And even better than that is the fact that it rides like a dream and is as though I am at one with the bike. It's fast, it's sexy and it's all mine!! WHOO HOO. So here's a picture (in case you didn't see it in the last post)...

Other than that we have been running around with chickens with our heads cut off. Work has been busy, then training of course, birthday parties, head colds, errands, cooking, cleaning, trying to catch up with ourselves, and children. But nothing that I would trade for the world.... although I wouldn't mind an extra hour or two in the day to help get things done and to help have some fun free time with my dear husband. Now if only the weather will warm up a bit by Wednesday morning so I can ride my bike!!

In all my rushing around, my brain has been thinking for me while I sleep, processing things that are said to me. (Thanks Coach!) Here are some thoughts that I've woken up with: 1) I need not to worry so much about my weight. I will just eat healthy, try to eat the right number of calories in the right proportions of fat, carb, and protein, and that will be that. Life is too short to worry about that! 2) I need to get new tubes for my new bike in case of a flat. 3) I want to be able to run a 7:30 mile (if not a 7 minute mile) by the May triathlon. 4) I need a vacation and to use my planner to remind myself of things I have to do!

Angelfish and Ladybug were super potty training champs this weekend. Both wore underpants all weekend long (except night time)! Ladybug only had one accident and it was during a nap (and we forgot to have them go potty before naptime), and Angelfish had 2 accidents - 1 when she was playing and wouldn't stop to go and the other also during a nap. Go wonder twins!

Overheard this morning in the car on the way to daycare:

Angelfish: Hold my hand, Mommy.

Mommy: I can't honey, I need to drive the car. I would love to hold your hand when we get to school though.

Angelfish: Ladybug, hold my hand.

Ladybug: Nooooo!

Angelfish: You hurt my feelings.

Ladybug: I not want to hold hands.

Angelfish: That hurt my feelings!

Ladybug: I sorry. I do not want to hold hands right now, Amanda, but I love you.

Angelfish: But you hurt my feelings.

Ladybug: I not hurt your feelings. I said sorry. (If only it worked that way...)

Angelfis: Still hurt. Hold my hand.

Ladybug: Okay...