Ok, so this morning did not work out nearly as planned. I was supposed to do a 35 mile bike ride - fast - and it did not happen because the children and Mr. Darcy left the house at 7:30ish and somewhere my Mommy brain decided it was better for me to not do the airport ride with our group so my children could see me and for me to do it on my own. Whenever I try this, it never truly works out. Yet I keep being optimistic that this time it will get done.
I am at least going to get something done though. I am going to go to a cardio cycling class (aka spin class) at the YMCA that we just joined by our house. It's not likely that we'll get 35 miles in, but at least it's a spin class that I can use my clip ins for so quality wise it's better than me skipping the workout all together (and probably better than the stationary bike for the time I'm able to do it today). I was going to try to do the stationary bike and realized that by the time I got my nutrition together and to the gym, I wouldn't have the time to even get 25 miles done because of work. Then I got the idea about the spin class... I will do it as my lunch hour and I'll work a little late to make up for any overage (which shouldn't be more than 20 minutes at the worst).
The good news is that I have recommitted myself to the 70.3 as of this morning. From this day forward until the 70.3 is over, I am going to do each scheduled workout. I didn't go this morning to the airport ride because this week is insane. (I'm sorry I didn't go though for the workout, but I am glad I was able to help with the girls this morning even if Ladybug frustrated the bejebus out of me.) Anyway, the insanity: I had Junior League Tuesday evening and didn't see the girls Wednesday morning because of Lucky's, then tonight I have another thing I am going to so I didn't want to miss the girls both this morning and then this evening. Mr. Darcy is now leaving town for his weekend function immediately after work on Friday and will be gone all day Saturday. Then Sunday I'll be gone pretty much most of the day for our 55/8 brick.
I guess the time away from the girls is really weighing on my mind. They have been asking Mr. Darcy ALOT about where I am and what I am doing and why I can't be home with them. Ladybug in particular has been extra clingy the past few weeks since I've started having really long bricks... tearful and the whole 9 yards. She even was jealous that Angelfish and I are going to have Angelfish's cholesterol bloodwork done tomorrow while Mr. Darcy takes her to school... even after I explained that the bloodwork was going to pinch and hurt a little bit at first.
But, I want to finish the Augusta 70.3. I am not under the illusion that I will actually finish the race in 7:48:34 like my dream told me. While that would be wonderful, I am not that fast from what we've seen in my training sessions. I'd have to have the swim of a lifetime, have no leg pains after the bike and be able to run like the wind for 13 miles, not to mention be faster on the bike. (Who knows though, maybe I'll surprise myself!)
It is realistic for me to finish the race, however. Especially since I emailed the race director and asked what the time cut of is, and it's 8 hours from when the last wave gets sent out. My wave is at 8:14 am, and 8 hours from the last wave is 5:06 pm. So, if all goes as planned, I have 8 hours and 52 minutes to finish. Of course, I'm hoping that the fact that the race director asked me how many 1/2 Ironman tris I've done so far isn't a bad sign.
I am confident that I can get all of the distance done, but I am a little nervous about being able to get it done within the time cutoff. A DNF because I wasn't fast enough will pretty much kill me. I know I can do the distances, it's just how long it will take me. So, I am making the commitment not to miss any other planned workouts, even if I have to hire a babysitter. That way no matter what happens, I cannot look back and say I should have tried harder.
I am going to have to be a little creative with my time in the next few weeks and am going to have to find a way to make sure that I stay committed during that time. I know that we will taper in about 2 weeks or so, but the next few weeks leading up to the race are going to be a little crazy around our house. Here's what is going on:
Next week: Mr. Darcy has a work trip leaving Tuesday and returning late on Wednesday, possibly early Thursday (I'm waiting to find out his flight itinerary).
9/7 - 9/13: Tuesday evening I have a Junior League meeting (shouldn't be a problem with workouts though); Sept 10 is Mr. Darcy's birthday; Friday after work we're going to Mr. Darcy's parents' house until at least Saturday evening. Mr. Darcy wants to stay until Sunday morning, but I'm trying to convince him otherwise so I can make sure I get my workout for the weekend in and so I can pack and be rested for the next week.
9/14-9/20: I leave Monday, the 14th (10:30 am flight) for Arizona for work. I do not get back until 8:30 pm that Wednesday. I think I can get at least a Monday and Tuesday workout done (I am teaching a seminar Tuesday morning but couldn't get a decent flight home until Wednesday morning... it takes all day for me to get back home.)
9/21-27: I leave Monday the 22nd for DC for work to teach another seminar. I will return Tuesday evening and if I get home in time, I need to go to a Junior League meeting that evening as well. I can probably get a workout done that Monday but Tuesday doesn't look likely. 23rd I have a hair appointment. 24th a doctor's appointment, and the 25th we leave for Augusta.
The 27th I finish my very first 70.3 and get my shiny finisher's medal!
After the 70.3 is over and I have my shiny finisher's medal, I'd like to ease things back a little... perhaps have a recovery season with an eye toward doing St. Anthony's starting in January at the Olympic Distance level, maybe doing the Vera Bradley Half Marathon as well. (How far have I come on running that I would even consider a half marathon??) I'd also like to do some other Olympic Distance races throughout the year next year with maybe some fun sprint tris sprinkled in if I can find them. Because of the girls being so young and both their need for me to be around and my wanting to be around to do things with them more too, I don't plan on doing another 70.3 for a few years. But I'd like to get faster and better at each of the elements of triathlon and get to be a pretty solid Olympic Distance triathlete.
Training for the 70.3 has been great for me and I've enjoyed it. I want to really enjoy the 70.3 experience and I really want to finish the race. The 70.3 training also has been good for me to help me figure out what I want too. I want to keep active with triathlons, do TNT fundraising once a year, do more community service and meet people, and be with my girls and Mr. Darcy enough that I don't feel like I'm just squeezing it all in. (I still have to hold down my busy full time job too!) Especially since Mr. Darcy and the little ladies are my priority.
So that's my morning and my commitment to the 70.3!! I can do it!!
Showing posts with label life balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life balance. Show all posts
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Full Immersion
Yep. It's true, I've been fully immersed in reality again. I wish there were somehow that there could be a way to live each day like it was vacation. Perhaps that's what it's like to be independently wealthy with no need to have responsibilities like getting little people up and ready for school, working, laundry that is calling my name, and random other items of import. I wish I could say that I'd find out but unlike the book I read over vacation Julie and Julia, I seriously doubt that my blog will be picked up to become first a best selling novel and then a major motion picture. Somehow Americans are much more interested in someone working their way through cooking Julia Child's recipes in a year than they are in a working Mom who trains and competes in triathlons. I'm not quite sure why, both have their own brands of insanity, but so it is.
There is no training report for today because well, training is taking the form of a track and core workout this evening. Better than a treadmill, but I'm not looking forward to sprints and trying to run a mile super fast. Gasp... I just realized I'd rather do hill repeats at 6 am or run several miles straight at my own pace than sprint track workouts. Not sure what that means, other than I may have fully lost my marbles and like long distance running. Egads! Maybe that is why I wanted to run while on my cruise. Whatever has become of me? I like to run. EEK! Hide your children and loved ones... I think the world may be coming to an end. This folks is a serious evolution of greatest proportions that causes us all to question (my) sanity!!
Not to mention that there's even a certain thrill today in reviewing my legislation for my states and finding hidden in some budget reconciliation bills potential business law and tax changes. Even that is interesting and fun today.
Perhaps there is some sort of mind alteration that occurs on vacation. One that makes you both more and less tolerant of things in your "normal" life. I think I had worked up a barrier to whining, but since back from vacation I cannot stand to hear Angelfish whine. (It's a serious annoyance of mine, whining that is. I do not do it and cannot abide whining. Complaining is fine, it's a stress reliever. Whining is just awful.) Yet, I can stay much calmer when Ladybug is screaming up a storm and attempting to order me about. It's not fun and it's even worse when Mr. Darcy gets worked up about it, but I can withstand it's annoying properties and deal with the Ladybug in a much easier way.
I don't even think I mind the laundry that's calling my name. Perhaps I am ill. Or perhaps these are the effects of a truly relaxing vacation. I have to admit, I can't remember the last time I had such a relaxing vacation. Past vacations in recent memory, while wonderful family time, have consisted of a lot of running about and protecting things from small children and small children from things.
I hope to try to extend the feeling of relaxation as long as I can but with the return to reality, I fear that it may be short lived. But I can do my darnedest. Heck, I might even convince myself to like a track workout.
There is no training report for today because well, training is taking the form of a track and core workout this evening. Better than a treadmill, but I'm not looking forward to sprints and trying to run a mile super fast. Gasp... I just realized I'd rather do hill repeats at 6 am or run several miles straight at my own pace than sprint track workouts. Not sure what that means, other than I may have fully lost my marbles and like long distance running. Egads! Maybe that is why I wanted to run while on my cruise. Whatever has become of me? I like to run. EEK! Hide your children and loved ones... I think the world may be coming to an end. This folks is a serious evolution of greatest proportions that causes us all to question (my) sanity!!
Not to mention that there's even a certain thrill today in reviewing my legislation for my states and finding hidden in some budget reconciliation bills potential business law and tax changes. Even that is interesting and fun today.
Perhaps there is some sort of mind alteration that occurs on vacation. One that makes you both more and less tolerant of things in your "normal" life. I think I had worked up a barrier to whining, but since back from vacation I cannot stand to hear Angelfish whine. (It's a serious annoyance of mine, whining that is. I do not do it and cannot abide whining. Complaining is fine, it's a stress reliever. Whining is just awful.) Yet, I can stay much calmer when Ladybug is screaming up a storm and attempting to order me about. It's not fun and it's even worse when Mr. Darcy gets worked up about it, but I can withstand it's annoying properties and deal with the Ladybug in a much easier way.
I don't even think I mind the laundry that's calling my name. Perhaps I am ill. Or perhaps these are the effects of a truly relaxing vacation. I have to admit, I can't remember the last time I had such a relaxing vacation. Past vacations in recent memory, while wonderful family time, have consisted of a lot of running about and protecting things from small children and small children from things.
I hope to try to extend the feeling of relaxation as long as I can but with the return to reality, I fear that it may be short lived. But I can do my darnedest. Heck, I might even convince myself to like a track workout.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Need for "Adventure"
I am in need of adventure. Nothing major or even extraordinary, but just a little daily adventure. You see, I work from home. Everyone says how wonderful it must be to work from home, but the reality is that it is not wonderful. It is rather lonely and isolating and throws you into funks from time to time. Those of you who work in an office, even in you think you keep to yourself, do not realize how much human interaction you get. And I, I am a social person.
My father once explained to me that I was a "social butterfly" and fit myself to every interaction. I didn't see it back then (I was 15 at the time), but I fully admit it now. I like to have an outfit for every occasion (despite my complete inability in the past 3 or 4 years to shop for clothing due to pregnancy and/or Mommy duties and that this has led to a scarcity of the necessary outfits causing me great consternation), and know what to say to who and when, and when at a loss I love to observe and figure things/people out. My favorite and least favorite things in this world are people. Favorite because people are wonderful and you learn so much from everyone you encounter, and least favorite because people can be cruel, selfish and hateful. (I avoid these kinds of people, who I call poison people.) But the only way to find out which category someone will be in (favorite vs. least favorite) is to talk to them and get to know them a bit. And that is where my joy rests.
Working from home has its benefits: no commute, no parking issues, savings on gas, no one to talk your ear off when they and you really need to be working but not wanting to be rude. But it has its detractors too: stuck in your house from sun up to sun down some days, no one to talk to, no one to have lunch with, only the sound of your dog or the clock to keep you company, the fact that you are technically "always available," not wanting to wear pajamas but feeling silly if you get dressed like you would if you were going into the office, etc.
Sometimes this doesn't bother me, but there are cycles of things where I end up in a funk. I realized this morning that I am completely in a funk right now. Other than our trip for our niece's birthday party this weekend, I only left the house for training sessions and to pick my children up from daycare at the end of the day. Yesterday I just wanted to get out. When I went to get my girls from daycare, I realized yes I want to carry my camera everywhere I go but I really don't go anywhere. So I took a picture of the view out of my office window and then discovered that the house computer won't turn on so I have no way to even download it to include in the blog today.
I think part of it is that Team in Training is over until next year for me, and it had set places and times where I would train with others. It sometimes was stressful to get places on time, but I loved being with other people. Now, most of my training is done alone. I try to train with others at least once a week, but it's not as "required" as before so it's easy to slip into the dutiful Mommy and wife role and be hanging about the house even when Bill says he can handle it. But really I just want to run away and join the circus some days - a sense of adventure that is not lacking. I am a nomad by nature. Before the girls were born, every 3 months I had to leave town. The wind changed or something and I had to see something new that I hadn't seen before. Even a trip to a Farmer's Market in a town over worked wonders.
Now, it is the same ol' same ol'. And despite claims of wanting to do "things" on the weekends, the family seems to hit the same rut weekend after weekend. When something is "done" it is of the same - Disney or Sea World. I am convinced there are other family friendly things to do in this town, but others like the familiar. I am truly bored with the familiar.
So I am trying to focus on my training and plan our trip to Seattle. It's my adventure for the year I wager. Mr. Darcy keeps reminding me we're going on a cruise to the Bahamas. I know it will be fun, but it is a formula. You get on the cruise, the food is there, the pool is there, the stop is here with its set possibilities of itineraries. Don't get me wrong, I know it will be fun and I will have a great time and return rested. But some part of me likes the planning of it all, the not knowing if the plan will work out and what will ensue when things don't go according to plan, the researching and mapping, the running around at warp speed with your hair on fire.
Perhaps I'm having a midlife crisis. I don't feel like I am at a crisis, but I do feel like I am wanting more - and isn't that really what a midlife crisis is? Looking at where you are in your life and thinking "this is it?" I was never one of those women with a plan for her life. I know people who said by this age I'll be married, by this age I'll be a successful career woman, by this age I'll have children. Me? Nope. I had plans for a successful career and then discovered that wasn't really what I wanted after all. Maybe I picked the wrong career, but I want to perpetually be learning and somehow making a difference in the lives of others... not exactly what I'm doing right this moment. And of course, I have no idea what "job" or "career" that might be, especially because I want to have the time to spend with my children as well. Other than that, my plan was to not get married and not have children so I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But what exactly that was, I figured it would reveal itself as time went on. The notion that the path would appear and I would take it was one I liked (and still do). Turned out that was a young minded notion as I ended up meeting someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with at an extremely young age (right before my 18th birthday) and then eventually wanting to have little babies that looked like him.
So the mystery is still unfolding. Perhaps I'm right where I'm supposed to be and this is part of my path... it just seems so unexciting. The same routine repeated on a daily basis. I'm left wanting more, but not exactly sure what that more should be.
I guess that's why I like my triathlon training so much. It's a challenge every day and it changes from day to day. Some days it's hard just to get it done, and some days it's something I've not done before. But all the time it's leading me to the same goal.
Speaking of training, I have been bad. Not with the training, I've done all my training like a good girl. But with my drinking of water. I am back on the wagon again though because my body got even with me last night. It gave me a warning shot Monday in the pool when my foot cramped up, but I thought it was from using the zoomers. As a kid, I always got foot cramps after using flippers so I thought it was that. No, last night in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, my hamstring and the other muscles in the back of my right quad clamped down into the hardest cramp that I have had in a very, very long time. It was at the point that I woke up screaming and couldn't' get it to release for 2 minutes and finally got it stretched to where it would stop. Poor Bill didn't know what to do - and in my sleepy state, I wasn't exactly sure what to do either.
So I started my day with a cup of Gatorade and a glass of water (in addition to the 1st part of my breakfast before the workout). After swimming, I drank my Recoverite and now am wandering out to the garage to get enough bottles of water to line up on my desk for a total of 98 oz. of water. No more messing with failure to properly hydrate.
My father once explained to me that I was a "social butterfly" and fit myself to every interaction. I didn't see it back then (I was 15 at the time), but I fully admit it now. I like to have an outfit for every occasion (despite my complete inability in the past 3 or 4 years to shop for clothing due to pregnancy and/or Mommy duties and that this has led to a scarcity of the necessary outfits causing me great consternation), and know what to say to who and when, and when at a loss I love to observe and figure things/people out. My favorite and least favorite things in this world are people. Favorite because people are wonderful and you learn so much from everyone you encounter, and least favorite because people can be cruel, selfish and hateful. (I avoid these kinds of people, who I call poison people.) But the only way to find out which category someone will be in (favorite vs. least favorite) is to talk to them and get to know them a bit. And that is where my joy rests.
Working from home has its benefits: no commute, no parking issues, savings on gas, no one to talk your ear off when they and you really need to be working but not wanting to be rude. But it has its detractors too: stuck in your house from sun up to sun down some days, no one to talk to, no one to have lunch with, only the sound of your dog or the clock to keep you company, the fact that you are technically "always available," not wanting to wear pajamas but feeling silly if you get dressed like you would if you were going into the office, etc.
Sometimes this doesn't bother me, but there are cycles of things where I end up in a funk. I realized this morning that I am completely in a funk right now. Other than our trip for our niece's birthday party this weekend, I only left the house for training sessions and to pick my children up from daycare at the end of the day. Yesterday I just wanted to get out. When I went to get my girls from daycare, I realized yes I want to carry my camera everywhere I go but I really don't go anywhere. So I took a picture of the view out of my office window and then discovered that the house computer won't turn on so I have no way to even download it to include in the blog today.
I think part of it is that Team in Training is over until next year for me, and it had set places and times where I would train with others. It sometimes was stressful to get places on time, but I loved being with other people. Now, most of my training is done alone. I try to train with others at least once a week, but it's not as "required" as before so it's easy to slip into the dutiful Mommy and wife role and be hanging about the house even when Bill says he can handle it. But really I just want to run away and join the circus some days - a sense of adventure that is not lacking. I am a nomad by nature. Before the girls were born, every 3 months I had to leave town. The wind changed or something and I had to see something new that I hadn't seen before. Even a trip to a Farmer's Market in a town over worked wonders.
Now, it is the same ol' same ol'. And despite claims of wanting to do "things" on the weekends, the family seems to hit the same rut weekend after weekend. When something is "done" it is of the same - Disney or Sea World. I am convinced there are other family friendly things to do in this town, but others like the familiar. I am truly bored with the familiar.
So I am trying to focus on my training and plan our trip to Seattle. It's my adventure for the year I wager. Mr. Darcy keeps reminding me we're going on a cruise to the Bahamas. I know it will be fun, but it is a formula. You get on the cruise, the food is there, the pool is there, the stop is here with its set possibilities of itineraries. Don't get me wrong, I know it will be fun and I will have a great time and return rested. But some part of me likes the planning of it all, the not knowing if the plan will work out and what will ensue when things don't go according to plan, the researching and mapping, the running around at warp speed with your hair on fire.
Perhaps I'm having a midlife crisis. I don't feel like I am at a crisis, but I do feel like I am wanting more - and isn't that really what a midlife crisis is? Looking at where you are in your life and thinking "this is it?" I was never one of those women with a plan for her life. I know people who said by this age I'll be married, by this age I'll be a successful career woman, by this age I'll have children. Me? Nope. I had plans for a successful career and then discovered that wasn't really what I wanted after all. Maybe I picked the wrong career, but I want to perpetually be learning and somehow making a difference in the lives of others... not exactly what I'm doing right this moment. And of course, I have no idea what "job" or "career" that might be, especially because I want to have the time to spend with my children as well. Other than that, my plan was to not get married and not have children so I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But what exactly that was, I figured it would reveal itself as time went on. The notion that the path would appear and I would take it was one I liked (and still do). Turned out that was a young minded notion as I ended up meeting someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with at an extremely young age (right before my 18th birthday) and then eventually wanting to have little babies that looked like him.
So the mystery is still unfolding. Perhaps I'm right where I'm supposed to be and this is part of my path... it just seems so unexciting. The same routine repeated on a daily basis. I'm left wanting more, but not exactly sure what that more should be.
I guess that's why I like my triathlon training so much. It's a challenge every day and it changes from day to day. Some days it's hard just to get it done, and some days it's something I've not done before. But all the time it's leading me to the same goal.
Speaking of training, I have been bad. Not with the training, I've done all my training like a good girl. But with my drinking of water. I am back on the wagon again though because my body got even with me last night. It gave me a warning shot Monday in the pool when my foot cramped up, but I thought it was from using the zoomers. As a kid, I always got foot cramps after using flippers so I thought it was that. No, last night in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, my hamstring and the other muscles in the back of my right quad clamped down into the hardest cramp that I have had in a very, very long time. It was at the point that I woke up screaming and couldn't' get it to release for 2 minutes and finally got it stretched to where it would stop. Poor Bill didn't know what to do - and in my sleepy state, I wasn't exactly sure what to do either.
So I started my day with a cup of Gatorade and a glass of water (in addition to the 1st part of my breakfast before the workout). After swimming, I drank my Recoverite and now am wandering out to the garage to get enough bottles of water to line up on my desk for a total of 98 oz. of water. No more messing with failure to properly hydrate.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Balance and Acceptance
Where to start? My brain is running in circles at the moment, so I'm not sure where the beginning is. Basically a lot of what's in my brain has to do with guilt, body image, and trying to find balance in my life that works for everyone in my family.
Mr. Darcy wants to go out of town this weekend to see his parents, and so do I. They are sweet people who are kind and great to be around and our children love them very much. But, I also have my fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society next Tuesday and need to get the word out to the general public because, well, I don't know anyone really and those that I do know, I've already talked to about the fundraiser and I'm going out of town for two days on a business trip. Finding the time to breathe, let alone get everything done is going to pose a bit of a problem. I am taking Friday off of work, but had dedicated that day to taking Angelfish to Disney or Sea World on a Mommy Daughter day like I did with Ladybug when she was home because of her skin infection. And if I don't do that this Friday, it won't be until May when I can do it. Plus she and I have already talked about it and she seems excited about it.
My original idea was to spend Saturday doing my workout (25 mile bike and then a 5 mile run) and then distribute fliers for the fundraiser. But, with our going out of town that doesn't work and we can't move our trip to next weekend because Bill is going out of town to go to his fraternity's initiation weekend in Gainesville. I feel like I need to do it so the fliers are around for the weekend at the shops to get as much interest as possible. I'm out of town for work Wednesday and Thursday so I can't do it then. Mr. Darcy's attitude is basically that I've done enough fundraising because I've raise more than the minimum required already and that my workouts are getting in the way of being able to go out of town and see his family, which I understand. But I also know that because of how he's acting about things that he is not going to want me to do Team in Training again any time soon (despite the fact that I would love to do it again in the Fall so I can do the Nation's Tri in DC and raise more money for cancer research, not to mention the great people I'm meeting and the great training too), so I feel like I have to do the best that I can with fundraising to make as much money possible for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It is though my wants do not meet with the needs of my family because I can't do what I need to without interfering with the time with the girls and Mr. Darcy's free time. Finding balance is sometimes difficult.
So, I've come up with an idea. I will have the fliers all printed and ready and on Friday I will put them at specific locations at Waterford Lakes in the hopes that it will bring more people in. Whether this is going to be during the day will depend on how long Angelfish wants to spend wherever we go. If I have the time, I will do it Friday afternoon. If I do not, we will pack the girls up along with our stuff and hit Waterford Lakes before we leave town. Mr. Darcy will play with the girls at Chick-fil-a and feed them dinner. I will distribute fliers and then we'll leave. The next morning I will get up with the sun and do my 25 mile bike and 5 mile run, which hopefully Mr. Darcy will join me on.
And then there's the guilt that is associated with everything that is going on because I'm not here 100% of the time like I used to be. But at the same time, I need to be able to do things too although I feel like I'm breaking the "rules" associated with being a mother and a wife because I'm not supposed to put myself first like I have been and every time I'm not at home for the girls to go to bed or when they wake up on a Saturday because I'm at a practice or a meeting that I'm somehow being a bad mother simply because I am not there and because Mr. Darcy has to do it himself. But then I think to myself why is it that I have to be there all the time... and then the thought comes to me of what MR. Darcy said to me when we got into an argument about how he never shows an inkling of an interest in helping plan the meals for the week or doing the grocery shopping and he said to me that this is just how it is. Men don't do these things because they're not interested in them and they don't care about them, so I have to do it basically because I'm the wife and Mom and I want my kids to eat healthier foods. Like the mice in the movie Babe say, "the way things are." It sucks being the Mom sometimes. You love your children and would never trade them, but it seems like you have to trade yourself in the bargain. I almost feel like it's a cruel trick. I've found something I love to do - training and competing in triathlons and even better being able to do something to help those with cancer while doing it - and yet I feel like I'm becoming a bad wife and mother because of it and because of that like I'm supposed to give it up. But I don't want to give it up. It's good for me - mentally and physically - and I shouldn't have to give it up. I don't know that Bill is asking that of me either, but its just this feeling that I get whenever stuff like this comes up. I don't know that it comes from him either. It may come from my brain and what I think is expected of me, but it doesn't hurt any less.
And then there's my body image issue that I'm dealing with a lot lately too. I train pretty hard each week, and I'm eating healthy and am eating what I'm told is 500 calories under what I should eat each day, and I'm trying to eat in the balance I've been told is important for triathlon training, and I look at myself and I just see a big fat blob of a person. Triathlon clothing isn't exactly helpful either because well, it's skin tight because you have to be able to swim, bike and run in it. On top of it, the clothes I own don't really fit right. They're either too big or too small. When you have twins your body changes a lot, and when you have PCOS that makes it hard for you to lose weight (even while on medicine for it) that makes it even harder. And then you see women who have children, granted not necessarily twins, who look as though they did before ever having children, and you can't figure out how to get any thinner than you are despite all you're doing it makes you a bit self conscious. I want to look nice, but I don't feel like I deserve to spend the money on clothes because I can't get myself any thinner and I feel like it's taking money away from things I could buy for the girls or our family. And I'm sure people just think - well push away from the table more. But, for me, it's not about that. I actually hate to eat because I worry that every bite is going to make me fatter and when I do indulge in something I like (like ice cream) I feel guilty and fat for days afterwards. And before the triathlon training showed me how much I need to eat, I was actually eating less than 1200 calories on most days.
So I'm working on balance and accepting myself for who I am and trying to figure out how to be a good wife, a good mother and still find a way to let myself enjoy things in life that aren't related to anyone but my own interests. People always say that no one is happy if Mom isn't happy, but I don't know that is true. It seems like everyone in the family tends to be happy when Mom takes care of everyone and put themselves last. But that's not quite fair to Mom. Balance and acceptance. I wish it was easier. Today is just a tough day.
Mr. Darcy wants to go out of town this weekend to see his parents, and so do I. They are sweet people who are kind and great to be around and our children love them very much. But, I also have my fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society next Tuesday and need to get the word out to the general public because, well, I don't know anyone really and those that I do know, I've already talked to about the fundraiser and I'm going out of town for two days on a business trip. Finding the time to breathe, let alone get everything done is going to pose a bit of a problem. I am taking Friday off of work, but had dedicated that day to taking Angelfish to Disney or Sea World on a Mommy Daughter day like I did with Ladybug when she was home because of her skin infection. And if I don't do that this Friday, it won't be until May when I can do it. Plus she and I have already talked about it and she seems excited about it.
My original idea was to spend Saturday doing my workout (25 mile bike and then a 5 mile run) and then distribute fliers for the fundraiser. But, with our going out of town that doesn't work and we can't move our trip to next weekend because Bill is going out of town to go to his fraternity's initiation weekend in Gainesville. I feel like I need to do it so the fliers are around for the weekend at the shops to get as much interest as possible. I'm out of town for work Wednesday and Thursday so I can't do it then. Mr. Darcy's attitude is basically that I've done enough fundraising because I've raise more than the minimum required already and that my workouts are getting in the way of being able to go out of town and see his family, which I understand. But I also know that because of how he's acting about things that he is not going to want me to do Team in Training again any time soon (despite the fact that I would love to do it again in the Fall so I can do the Nation's Tri in DC and raise more money for cancer research, not to mention the great people I'm meeting and the great training too), so I feel like I have to do the best that I can with fundraising to make as much money possible for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It is though my wants do not meet with the needs of my family because I can't do what I need to without interfering with the time with the girls and Mr. Darcy's free time. Finding balance is sometimes difficult.
So, I've come up with an idea. I will have the fliers all printed and ready and on Friday I will put them at specific locations at Waterford Lakes in the hopes that it will bring more people in. Whether this is going to be during the day will depend on how long Angelfish wants to spend wherever we go. If I have the time, I will do it Friday afternoon. If I do not, we will pack the girls up along with our stuff and hit Waterford Lakes before we leave town. Mr. Darcy will play with the girls at Chick-fil-a and feed them dinner. I will distribute fliers and then we'll leave. The next morning I will get up with the sun and do my 25 mile bike and 5 mile run, which hopefully Mr. Darcy will join me on.
And then there's the guilt that is associated with everything that is going on because I'm not here 100% of the time like I used to be. But at the same time, I need to be able to do things too although I feel like I'm breaking the "rules" associated with being a mother and a wife because I'm not supposed to put myself first like I have been and every time I'm not at home for the girls to go to bed or when they wake up on a Saturday because I'm at a practice or a meeting that I'm somehow being a bad mother simply because I am not there and because Mr. Darcy has to do it himself. But then I think to myself why is it that I have to be there all the time... and then the thought comes to me of what MR. Darcy said to me when we got into an argument about how he never shows an inkling of an interest in helping plan the meals for the week or doing the grocery shopping and he said to me that this is just how it is. Men don't do these things because they're not interested in them and they don't care about them, so I have to do it basically because I'm the wife and Mom and I want my kids to eat healthier foods. Like the mice in the movie Babe say, "the way things are." It sucks being the Mom sometimes. You love your children and would never trade them, but it seems like you have to trade yourself in the bargain. I almost feel like it's a cruel trick. I've found something I love to do - training and competing in triathlons and even better being able to do something to help those with cancer while doing it - and yet I feel like I'm becoming a bad wife and mother because of it and because of that like I'm supposed to give it up. But I don't want to give it up. It's good for me - mentally and physically - and I shouldn't have to give it up. I don't know that Bill is asking that of me either, but its just this feeling that I get whenever stuff like this comes up. I don't know that it comes from him either. It may come from my brain and what I think is expected of me, but it doesn't hurt any less.
And then there's my body image issue that I'm dealing with a lot lately too. I train pretty hard each week, and I'm eating healthy and am eating what I'm told is 500 calories under what I should eat each day, and I'm trying to eat in the balance I've been told is important for triathlon training, and I look at myself and I just see a big fat blob of a person. Triathlon clothing isn't exactly helpful either because well, it's skin tight because you have to be able to swim, bike and run in it. On top of it, the clothes I own don't really fit right. They're either too big or too small. When you have twins your body changes a lot, and when you have PCOS that makes it hard for you to lose weight (even while on medicine for it) that makes it even harder. And then you see women who have children, granted not necessarily twins, who look as though they did before ever having children, and you can't figure out how to get any thinner than you are despite all you're doing it makes you a bit self conscious. I want to look nice, but I don't feel like I deserve to spend the money on clothes because I can't get myself any thinner and I feel like it's taking money away from things I could buy for the girls or our family. And I'm sure people just think - well push away from the table more. But, for me, it's not about that. I actually hate to eat because I worry that every bite is going to make me fatter and when I do indulge in something I like (like ice cream) I feel guilty and fat for days afterwards. And before the triathlon training showed me how much I need to eat, I was actually eating less than 1200 calories on most days.
So I'm working on balance and accepting myself for who I am and trying to figure out how to be a good wife, a good mother and still find a way to let myself enjoy things in life that aren't related to anyone but my own interests. People always say that no one is happy if Mom isn't happy, but I don't know that is true. It seems like everyone in the family tends to be happy when Mom takes care of everyone and put themselves last. But that's not quite fair to Mom. Balance and acceptance. I wish it was easier. Today is just a tough day.
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