I learned a couple of truths this morning: 1) I can be really stupid sometimes and 2) the cure for emotional pain, sometimes, is physical pain. And now I share it with blogland... as I often do.
First, the background...
This weekend I told my Mom we wanted to come see her and my Dad the Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. Our friends K&I will be in Venice (about an hour south of where my parents live) for the Thanksgiving holiday, and since they live in London, we don't get to see them often. So we thought to ourselves, let's see my parents, see my Grammie, and see K&I for Thanksgiving. Well, we had a bit of a disagreement/discussion with my parents about the whole thing because they would prefer we don't come that weekend. Quite frankly, it completely blows my mind. No matter what is going on in our lives, Mr. Darcy & I work extra, even when we're exhausted beyond compare, to do whatever needs to get done so that we can make time if our family wants to come visit. We always want to see our family, always. One thing we've learned from losing all of our grandparents except one and losing friends and colleagues, is you never know what is going to happen when so make the most of every opportunity you get to see someone you love. I know that this isn't about me, and I know they love me. But it sure doesn't make me feel great.
So this morning, I told Mr. Darcy I had to go for a walk. The pool was not going to cut it. I needed major stress relief. I needed resistance to fight against and to win. I told him I really wanted to run. He told me to go for the walk but not to run. Some of his last words before he backed down the drive way were, "Don't jog. Don't push yourself."
This is where I learned I can be really stupid sometimes.
I should have known that it would be like the pool - buoy swim is just not enough, I have to cheat and kick for a little bit. I know myself pretty well, and I should have known. Maybe I did, but maybe my subconscious didn't care. Whatever it was, it was me being stupid.
After walking for 5 minutes, I started running. I didn't think about what I was doing, my body just did it. For the 1st 2 minutes, it felt awesome. Then my leg started to hurt, but it was just a little bit and it wasn't in my calf so I told myself it was probably just my back being silly because I hadn't run in awhile. By the end of the 5 minutes I had pain in my calf too. I walked a minute and decided I'd do 5/1's even though I could feel the muscles in my leg getting tighter. (Yes, I am stupid.) 2 minutes into my 2nd run, I walked because even in my state of denial admitted that this was bad. I had pain in 3 different place in my calf, the back right side of my quad near my knee, a burning pain in my arch, and for the first time, actual pain on my knee. I walked the rest of the way home, except (Yes, I am stupid) for the last little stretch to the house... after just telling myself I should NOT finish the 2 mile loop but turn toward the house because I have little kids that I have to take care of and if I mess myself up bad enough I won't be able to do it. So, I ran the last bit home. Seriously deficient in the usage of brain cells this morning.
The Cure for Emotional Pain is Physical Pain.
The good news is that all that physical pain made me get over the situation with my parents. Yes, it still hurts but not nearly as much. I realize that they have their issues and that they've always been this way. And I'm not saying that they don't have alot going on. They do. But I realized that seeing grandparents, friends and colleagues die or disappear into Alzheimer's has made me into a person who does everything she can to make the time for family and those she cares about, no matter what it takes. And all that physical pain was worth every ounce of cure for that emotional pain.
Besides, it let me circle in red on my legs all the places that have been hurting (other than the knee thing that was new, but I circled those too) over the past few weeks. I'm still hoping the orthopedic doctor going to say it's nothing tomorrow... even if realistically, I know that this much pain over this length of time cannot be "nothing." But I'm a dreamer.
And I'm off to take some advil...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Day I Thought Would Never Come...
arrived today. That was the day that I laid in bed when I first woke up and said "I don't want to swim." I LOVE swimming. But I didn't go, I had grape nuts and yogurt, a v-8 and a cup of coffee in a quiet and peaceful house after the lilliputians went off to school with Mr. Darcy instead. Why? I know exactly why. Because I don't feel like what I am allowed to do in the pool right now is swimming. I can't kick. Pulling with the buoy, even if I try to "jazz it up" with some drills, is not swimming. Sure, I can get great body rotation going and really work on my form and all that. But what I can't do is the fun part. The part that gets me in the pool. I can't sprint. Well, I can, but you don't realize how much sprinting involves your legs. I can get winded if I try hard enough but I'm still not feeling my body cut through the water in exactly the same way as when I can use my legs. It makes me thankful that I am fully able bodied and that once my leg is healed, I will be able to do all the activities I did before. But it also makes me a pouty swimmer... or should that be a pouty buoyer?
Plus I'm missing the bike and the run. I even asked Mr. Darcy this morning if it would be a really dumb thing to do if I went for just a 1 mile walk in the neighborhood at a casual pace. He told me, unequivocally, "YES." I know he's right, but it's still rather tempting. But to keep my demons at bay, I put on jeans and a shirt - something I wouldn't exercise in. One of the demons that keeps bothering me is that I may be losing my fitness through this whole thing. Which is why I should have swallowed my bile about using the buoy and just gone to the pool, but with my leg hurting to the point that I started my 1st moments out of bed with 800 mg of advil and poutiness I didn't. Guess I can't complain about it since I'm not doing anything about it.
My mom, a retired RN, didn't make me feel better about things yesterday when I told her about the tippy toe problem. First she said it could be a problem with my back instead of my leg. She asked where the pain was radiating from. I wasn't sure so I had to recreate the situation and before I even got close she was telling me to go back to flat footedness on the floor because she could hear in my voice how much pain I was having. I told her it was radiating from my calf muscle about 1" to 1 1/4" below my knee down into the rest of my calf. To which she replied, "You're sure you didn't hear a pop when this happened?" Me: "No." Her: "Well, be very sure to tell your doctor about this tip toe thing when you see him on Tuesday because if I had to guess, I'd say you either tore something or you pulled it very badly." Me: "I'm going to chose to ignore your comment." She just laughed at me.
The whole thing is kind of funny in a way. A little over a year ago, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed to go for a run or to even ride my (at the time) hybrid bike. I would convince myself that I would look silly if I couldn't finish my first triathlon, or that if I couldnt' do this how could I do Team in Training for Angela? Then it was, I'm raising money for cancer research I can't stop with people making donations. I'd let Angela down and all of those people too. And then somewhere along the way, probably by the end of February, I did it because I loved it. Okay I only thought running didn't suck in February. My love for the run came much later, but the point is that it came. Now, it's all I can do to keep myself from jumping on the bike for a 30 mile ride or running a few miles for fun... and it's because I'm injured. I almost think it would be worth the instant gratification to go do it, but I know I'd be sorry later. March is my A race. It's November. It should be okay. But then the little voice in the back of my head says, "You're not that great of a runner. What if you can't start really training until February? How the heck are you going to do a Half Marathon." I tend to answer, "speed training, hard work and prayer." But then there are days like this morning when I just say, "let's hope it doesn't get to that."
It really seems like a silly thing to get down in the dumps about, but it's the one thing that is 100% mine. I do it for me. I know it is good for my girls to see me do these things and all that, but when I am perfectly, unabashedly honest, I do it for me. Part of that is for the memory of Angela. I feel her with me in my races, especially when I get to a hard point. She was so amazingly peaceful and accepting of the fact that the Good Lord was calling her home. She didn't worry about herself, but she worried about all of us who loved her that she was leaving behind. I can't help but think to myself, Angela didn't want to go through chemo and being sick. What you're doing in NOTHING compared to that. So hush up and enjoy the race. And it works. And to be quite honest, I know Angela's with me right then when I think that because while she'd never use herself as the example, she had no time for complaining. Life was hard and that was how it was, move on and look for the stuff that was good in it. Part of my training is about helping me deal with the fact that she is not here anymore. I refuse to delete her email out of my address book or take her blog off my list. There are times I go to forward stuff to her via email - jokes, sweet things, news articles, etc. - just like before. Then there are times I'm sending something to someone else and her email pops up as an option for someone to send to. It stinks.
Part of training is about my dealing with life in general. My Grammy (who I am/was closest to of my grandparents) has alzhemers and doesn't remember me. Unfortunately, now she's starting not to remember my Dad or my Mom, who are the ones that see her at least 3 times a week, take her to her doctor's appointments, etc. My Dad told me this week how she looked at him like she knew him for a moment and then he could see her eyes change like they do when she looks at someone she doesn't know, and it broke his heart. Normally, I'd take that out on my bike or on my run or in the pool.
Part of training is about dealing with my career. I made a choice that has been good for many reasons, but that doesn't really make me happy. Most days I am just okay with my work, some days that I down right am bored or hate it, and days that I am happy with it are so rare and far and few between (and usually have something to do with a non-work related item that happened at work). Yes, I can mentally do it and mentally it can be a challenge. But I do not love being a lawyer. I absolutely loathed working in a law firm. In house is better, but I feel deep down that it's not really who I am. I've often thought that I should have been a nurse, a nurse practitioner, or a doctor of some sort. Something where I work with people and feel like I am helping them, plus my love of science and the human body and how it works and what it does (and sometimes doesn't do) is in there too. The miracle of it all. Just think about blogging. I think or feel something and my hands and brain were able to learn how to use a tool to type and give me a way to express myself. Thinking about how all that works is just simply amazing. Training lets me run away (sometimes literally) from the "mistake" I made that as I said is good because I have a solid job that pays decently (although I still don't make as much as I did when I left my old law firm) and now gives me good hours that work well with my family and training, but that doesn't get me up in the mornings excited about the day.
Training lets me feel good about myself - what I can accomplish, what I can do. I've never been one to say "I can't do that." when it comes to most things. I can talk myself out of something for a lot of logical reasons, but not because I'm not capable of doing it. But it always amazes me when I go that much further or that much faster. It also makes me feel better about how I look. I have so much excess skin from having the twins that I can grab it and pull it up to my rib cage/chest area. As I've lost fat, it has just become looser. Which is okay because I can tuck it into pants, move it around,etc. to make it look a little better. Sure, I still sometimes get a random stranger who asks me if I'm pregnant because my arms and legs are thin in comparison, but when I train I know I am doing all I can to make my body into a great machine. It lets me accept all my health issues and that my body is a certain way, but that with training I'm making the best it can be with the issues that it has.
So, that's what I'm missing right now.... more than just getting out of the house, I'm missing all of that.
In light of yesterday and this morning's news about the shootings at Fort Hood, it seems a little silly. I'm aware of that. I am not a fan of war, which I often see as politics when nothing else seems to work. I am also not a fan of groups that think it's okay to use God (under any name, whether it be Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, or so on) as a reason to justify killing and maiming others. I also know that we are in danger, not just in the US but around the world, from those who are recruited and brain washed to agree with these folks. I am proud of all of our military personnel. They offer themselves, their lives, to protect others and to protect something they believe in.
Most of all I feel pain and sadness for every one at Fort Hood, all their family members and loved ones, and for the community they once shared that is now lost a little bit. I don't understand what could drive anyone to massacre a group of people, even if you disagreed or hated them, but I feel sorry for the man who did this because somewhere somehow he was able to lose his humanity to do such a terrible thing. I feel badly for his family who now will have to live with the stigma of his actions and even worse the hostility of those who will attribute any terroristic or militant islamic beliefs to them where none exist. I feel for the rest of us too, who have to try to understand why and how people can do this to one another and have fear that it could happen to them too.
Somehow, even this is something that I work out in my head and my heart when I train. I'm not solving the
world's ills, just figuring out my corner of it seems easier one mile of training at a time. Selfish as it may be.
Saturday morning I'm volunteering at Junior League's 5K Harvest Run. We're raising money for Junior Leagues Health, Hunger and Poverty initiatives in the Orlando area with the entry fees. We're also asking that all of the runners bring canned goods with them to the race that we are donating to the Second Harvest Food Bank here in Orlando. We've had canned food drives a bunch of different places, and if my math is correct, we've donated around 900 pounds of canned goods so far. If you'd like to run (or act as a ghost runner), visit: http://www.altavistasports.com/ Since it's the day before the race, the entry fee is $35. (Not sure why I didn't think to post this earlier....). It's (of course) torturing me not to get to run in the race, but what can you do?
Immediately afterwards I'm headed to the girls' last soccer game of the season. I have to say I'm thrilled this season is over. The Little Ladies had no interest in playing other than saying they wanted to play. We're thinking about dance or gymnastics or swimming instead. Although they seem to be showing some interest in tennis now that Mr. Darcy is playing in a league, so we may opt in that direction also. Ladybug even said to me this morning that she wanted to play with Mr. Darcy last night but all the courts were taken. Mr. Darcy told her we could hit some tennis balls this weekend (he bought them their very own tennis raquets a few months back). Last weekend they were into riding bikes, so I still have some hope for their triathlon prospects too. : )
I also need to give a shout out to my friends who are racing Ironman Florida this weekend: Missey and Coach Beth! I will be following them via internet, but I wish I could be there to see them cross the finish line and to hear them announce "YOU ARE AN IRONMAN" for each of them. I'll be there in spirit, though, ladies!!
It should be a good yet busy weekend!
Plus I'm missing the bike and the run. I even asked Mr. Darcy this morning if it would be a really dumb thing to do if I went for just a 1 mile walk in the neighborhood at a casual pace. He told me, unequivocally, "YES." I know he's right, but it's still rather tempting. But to keep my demons at bay, I put on jeans and a shirt - something I wouldn't exercise in. One of the demons that keeps bothering me is that I may be losing my fitness through this whole thing. Which is why I should have swallowed my bile about using the buoy and just gone to the pool, but with my leg hurting to the point that I started my 1st moments out of bed with 800 mg of advil and poutiness I didn't. Guess I can't complain about it since I'm not doing anything about it.
My mom, a retired RN, didn't make me feel better about things yesterday when I told her about the tippy toe problem. First she said it could be a problem with my back instead of my leg. She asked where the pain was radiating from. I wasn't sure so I had to recreate the situation and before I even got close she was telling me to go back to flat footedness on the floor because she could hear in my voice how much pain I was having. I told her it was radiating from my calf muscle about 1" to 1 1/4" below my knee down into the rest of my calf. To which she replied, "You're sure you didn't hear a pop when this happened?" Me: "No." Her: "Well, be very sure to tell your doctor about this tip toe thing when you see him on Tuesday because if I had to guess, I'd say you either tore something or you pulled it very badly." Me: "I'm going to chose to ignore your comment." She just laughed at me.
The whole thing is kind of funny in a way. A little over a year ago, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed to go for a run or to even ride my (at the time) hybrid bike. I would convince myself that I would look silly if I couldn't finish my first triathlon, or that if I couldnt' do this how could I do Team in Training for Angela? Then it was, I'm raising money for cancer research I can't stop with people making donations. I'd let Angela down and all of those people too. And then somewhere along the way, probably by the end of February, I did it because I loved it. Okay I only thought running didn't suck in February. My love for the run came much later, but the point is that it came. Now, it's all I can do to keep myself from jumping on the bike for a 30 mile ride or running a few miles for fun... and it's because I'm injured. I almost think it would be worth the instant gratification to go do it, but I know I'd be sorry later. March is my A race. It's November. It should be okay. But then the little voice in the back of my head says, "You're not that great of a runner. What if you can't start really training until February? How the heck are you going to do a Half Marathon." I tend to answer, "speed training, hard work and prayer." But then there are days like this morning when I just say, "let's hope it doesn't get to that."
It really seems like a silly thing to get down in the dumps about, but it's the one thing that is 100% mine. I do it for me. I know it is good for my girls to see me do these things and all that, but when I am perfectly, unabashedly honest, I do it for me. Part of that is for the memory of Angela. I feel her with me in my races, especially when I get to a hard point. She was so amazingly peaceful and accepting of the fact that the Good Lord was calling her home. She didn't worry about herself, but she worried about all of us who loved her that she was leaving behind. I can't help but think to myself, Angela didn't want to go through chemo and being sick. What you're doing in NOTHING compared to that. So hush up and enjoy the race. And it works. And to be quite honest, I know Angela's with me right then when I think that because while she'd never use herself as the example, she had no time for complaining. Life was hard and that was how it was, move on and look for the stuff that was good in it. Part of my training is about helping me deal with the fact that she is not here anymore. I refuse to delete her email out of my address book or take her blog off my list. There are times I go to forward stuff to her via email - jokes, sweet things, news articles, etc. - just like before. Then there are times I'm sending something to someone else and her email pops up as an option for someone to send to. It stinks.
Part of training is about my dealing with life in general. My Grammy (who I am/was closest to of my grandparents) has alzhemers and doesn't remember me. Unfortunately, now she's starting not to remember my Dad or my Mom, who are the ones that see her at least 3 times a week, take her to her doctor's appointments, etc. My Dad told me this week how she looked at him like she knew him for a moment and then he could see her eyes change like they do when she looks at someone she doesn't know, and it broke his heart. Normally, I'd take that out on my bike or on my run or in the pool.
Part of training is about dealing with my career. I made a choice that has been good for many reasons, but that doesn't really make me happy. Most days I am just okay with my work, some days that I down right am bored or hate it, and days that I am happy with it are so rare and far and few between (and usually have something to do with a non-work related item that happened at work). Yes, I can mentally do it and mentally it can be a challenge. But I do not love being a lawyer. I absolutely loathed working in a law firm. In house is better, but I feel deep down that it's not really who I am. I've often thought that I should have been a nurse, a nurse practitioner, or a doctor of some sort. Something where I work with people and feel like I am helping them, plus my love of science and the human body and how it works and what it does (and sometimes doesn't do) is in there too. The miracle of it all. Just think about blogging. I think or feel something and my hands and brain were able to learn how to use a tool to type and give me a way to express myself. Thinking about how all that works is just simply amazing. Training lets me run away (sometimes literally) from the "mistake" I made that as I said is good because I have a solid job that pays decently (although I still don't make as much as I did when I left my old law firm) and now gives me good hours that work well with my family and training, but that doesn't get me up in the mornings excited about the day.
Training lets me feel good about myself - what I can accomplish, what I can do. I've never been one to say "I can't do that." when it comes to most things. I can talk myself out of something for a lot of logical reasons, but not because I'm not capable of doing it. But it always amazes me when I go that much further or that much faster. It also makes me feel better about how I look. I have so much excess skin from having the twins that I can grab it and pull it up to my rib cage/chest area. As I've lost fat, it has just become looser. Which is okay because I can tuck it into pants, move it around,etc. to make it look a little better. Sure, I still sometimes get a random stranger who asks me if I'm pregnant because my arms and legs are thin in comparison, but when I train I know I am doing all I can to make my body into a great machine. It lets me accept all my health issues and that my body is a certain way, but that with training I'm making the best it can be with the issues that it has.
So, that's what I'm missing right now.... more than just getting out of the house, I'm missing all of that.
In light of yesterday and this morning's news about the shootings at Fort Hood, it seems a little silly. I'm aware of that. I am not a fan of war, which I often see as politics when nothing else seems to work. I am also not a fan of groups that think it's okay to use God (under any name, whether it be Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, or so on) as a reason to justify killing and maiming others. I also know that we are in danger, not just in the US but around the world, from those who are recruited and brain washed to agree with these folks. I am proud of all of our military personnel. They offer themselves, their lives, to protect others and to protect something they believe in.
Most of all I feel pain and sadness for every one at Fort Hood, all their family members and loved ones, and for the community they once shared that is now lost a little bit. I don't understand what could drive anyone to massacre a group of people, even if you disagreed or hated them, but I feel sorry for the man who did this because somewhere somehow he was able to lose his humanity to do such a terrible thing. I feel badly for his family who now will have to live with the stigma of his actions and even worse the hostility of those who will attribute any terroristic or militant islamic beliefs to them where none exist. I feel for the rest of us too, who have to try to understand why and how people can do this to one another and have fear that it could happen to them too.
Somehow, even this is something that I work out in my head and my heart when I train. I'm not solving the
world's ills, just figuring out my corner of it seems easier one mile of training at a time. Selfish as it may be.
Saturday morning I'm volunteering at Junior League's 5K Harvest Run. We're raising money for Junior Leagues Health, Hunger and Poverty initiatives in the Orlando area with the entry fees. We're also asking that all of the runners bring canned goods with them to the race that we are donating to the Second Harvest Food Bank here in Orlando. We've had canned food drives a bunch of different places, and if my math is correct, we've donated around 900 pounds of canned goods so far. If you'd like to run (or act as a ghost runner), visit: http://www.altavistasports.com/ Since it's the day before the race, the entry fee is $35. (Not sure why I didn't think to post this earlier....). It's (of course) torturing me not to get to run in the race, but what can you do?
Immediately afterwards I'm headed to the girls' last soccer game of the season. I have to say I'm thrilled this season is over. The Little Ladies had no interest in playing other than saying they wanted to play. We're thinking about dance or gymnastics or swimming instead. Although they seem to be showing some interest in tennis now that Mr. Darcy is playing in a league, so we may opt in that direction also. Ladybug even said to me this morning that she wanted to play with Mr. Darcy last night but all the courts were taken. Mr. Darcy told her we could hit some tennis balls this weekend (he bought them their very own tennis raquets a few months back). Last weekend they were into riding bikes, so I still have some hope for their triathlon prospects too. : )
I also need to give a shout out to my friends who are racing Ironman Florida this weekend: Missey and Coach Beth! I will be following them via internet, but I wish I could be there to see them cross the finish line and to hear them announce "YOU ARE AN IRONMAN" for each of them. I'll be there in spirit, though, ladies!!
It should be a good yet busy weekend!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
This Morning I Swam...
Other than some swelling yesterday evening and minor pain, pain last night and this morning, overall the leg is good. I found that dancing with the ladybugs was okay, as long as I don't pretend to be a ballerina and go on tippy toe. The leg does not like it. In fact, I have to make an extremely concerted and painful effort just to get completely up onto full "tippy toe." So I have stopped doing that and my leg is appearing to take a little bit of mercy on me.
This morning I ignored the imploring calls from my beautiful TT bike, begging me to "ride... just 10 miles... at an easy pace on the closed road... in sneakers... not even clipped in... it won't hurt your leg that badly...please..." That bike really knows how to tug at my heart strings. It was soooo tempting it almost brought tears to my eyes.
But, remaining strong with my doctor's words in mind (the ones where she told me she didn't want me to get to March and still be hurt), I got into the car with my buoy and headed to the pool for a swim. You know you miss cycling when you go to re-stock the pantry with V-8 cans and you have to stop a moment and linger with your bike, gently stroking its front tire as you pass.
Aerodite and I spent a lot of time together in the past months and now she sits there, sad and waiting. I rather feel the same way. I miss my rides in the early morning, glimpses of deer and other wildlife as the sun rises; wind in my helmet (I'd say hair but it's really too short to do more than flap and make me look like I have dog ears in the wind); just me and the closed road loop.
These days I'm not just missing the bike and the mileage, I'm missing my run too. And it seems like every time I turn around running is taunting me. My off season was supposed to be about the run - getting faster, stronger, better. Now my Brooks glare at me when I walk by because I'm not putting them on. I haven't had a moisture wicking sock (or any other sock for that matter) on in weeks. My email sends me missives "Improve Your Running By Improving Your Technique." I am getting a free trial of Runner's World out of the blue. Yes, Tri-gods, I know. I need to run. My spirit is willing, but you'll have to take it up with my calf/leg/knee/arch... or even better, the doctor's office since my appointment isn't until Tuesday. (I tell myself that other people need those appointments more than I do. I am also fully prepared to hear that there's nothing wrong with me, I pulled something and it's on the mend, and I can go back to full scale working out. At this point it will have been 3 1/2 weeks since this pain began. It's entirely possible. RIGHT? Just nod and smile.)
SO, me and my buoy headed up the avenue for a swim at the LA Fitness (or as Mr. Darcy likes to call it "La Fitness"). I did my best to just stick to the buoy, but I cheated. Not badly mind you, but just a little. Only 400m worth of kicking while swimming. I thought about Coach and another friend who are racing IMFL this weekend and should both already be in Panama City. I'd love to be with them to cheer them on and most of all to see them cross that finish line, break that tape, and hear them announced as Ironmen. I wondered what that must feel like, and after drinking the Cool-aid and liking it terribly with my first 70.3, know that I want to experience it. Now I just have to figure out how old the girls need to be before they can handle Mom being gone on 100 mile bike rides and crazy long runs (let alone getting Mr. Darcy on board for that one). At this point, I'm thinking 10 years from now... so around 44 (me, 13 for them)? Ugh. That seems like an eternity from now. We'll just have to see how it goes.
I also thought about my Aunt who had a heart attack the day before yesterday, is still in the hospital, and yet is refusing to let her doctor do a dye study and catheterization. Um, Hi. Let's not invited heart attack #2 to come over to play. From what my Dad told me, it sounds like she's afraid to find out she needs bypass surgery. Not like it's a fun thing to do, but I think I'd be too afraid not to find out I need bypass surgery. I'd rather take my chances with surgery than letting another heart attack pay a visit. Sigh.
I thought about how truly lucky we are. Mr. Darcy's paycut wasn't anywhere as bad as we thought it would be, and while we'll need to trim the budget a little it won't be nearly as hard as we thought. There's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and not just on the money front. We're happy, pretty healthy aside from genetic stuff that you have to live with and a silly bum leg, and we're alive and together. Really, that's what it's all about.
And then, before I knew it, my 1600m was over and it was off to change and head out to work. Another morning well spent in the pool.
This morning I ignored the imploring calls from my beautiful TT bike, begging me to "ride... just 10 miles... at an easy pace on the closed road... in sneakers... not even clipped in... it won't hurt your leg that badly...please..." That bike really knows how to tug at my heart strings. It was soooo tempting it almost brought tears to my eyes.
But, remaining strong with my doctor's words in mind (the ones where she told me she didn't want me to get to March and still be hurt), I got into the car with my buoy and headed to the pool for a swim. You know you miss cycling when you go to re-stock the pantry with V-8 cans and you have to stop a moment and linger with your bike, gently stroking its front tire as you pass.
Aerodite and I spent a lot of time together in the past months and now she sits there, sad and waiting. I rather feel the same way. I miss my rides in the early morning, glimpses of deer and other wildlife as the sun rises; wind in my helmet (I'd say hair but it's really too short to do more than flap and make me look like I have dog ears in the wind); just me and the closed road loop.
These days I'm not just missing the bike and the mileage, I'm missing my run too. And it seems like every time I turn around running is taunting me. My off season was supposed to be about the run - getting faster, stronger, better. Now my Brooks glare at me when I walk by because I'm not putting them on. I haven't had a moisture wicking sock (or any other sock for that matter) on in weeks. My email sends me missives "Improve Your Running By Improving Your Technique." I am getting a free trial of Runner's World out of the blue. Yes, Tri-gods, I know. I need to run. My spirit is willing, but you'll have to take it up with my calf/leg/knee/arch... or even better, the doctor's office since my appointment isn't until Tuesday. (I tell myself that other people need those appointments more than I do. I am also fully prepared to hear that there's nothing wrong with me, I pulled something and it's on the mend, and I can go back to full scale working out. At this point it will have been 3 1/2 weeks since this pain began. It's entirely possible. RIGHT? Just nod and smile.)
SO, me and my buoy headed up the avenue for a swim at the LA Fitness (or as Mr. Darcy likes to call it "La Fitness"). I did my best to just stick to the buoy, but I cheated. Not badly mind you, but just a little. Only 400m worth of kicking while swimming. I thought about Coach and another friend who are racing IMFL this weekend and should both already be in Panama City. I'd love to be with them to cheer them on and most of all to see them cross that finish line, break that tape, and hear them announced as Ironmen. I wondered what that must feel like, and after drinking the Cool-aid and liking it terribly with my first 70.3, know that I want to experience it. Now I just have to figure out how old the girls need to be before they can handle Mom being gone on 100 mile bike rides and crazy long runs (let alone getting Mr. Darcy on board for that one). At this point, I'm thinking 10 years from now... so around 44 (me, 13 for them)? Ugh. That seems like an eternity from now. We'll just have to see how it goes.
I also thought about my Aunt who had a heart attack the day before yesterday, is still in the hospital, and yet is refusing to let her doctor do a dye study and catheterization. Um, Hi. Let's not invited heart attack #2 to come over to play. From what my Dad told me, it sounds like she's afraid to find out she needs bypass surgery. Not like it's a fun thing to do, but I think I'd be too afraid not to find out I need bypass surgery. I'd rather take my chances with surgery than letting another heart attack pay a visit. Sigh.
I thought about how truly lucky we are. Mr. Darcy's paycut wasn't anywhere as bad as we thought it would be, and while we'll need to trim the budget a little it won't be nearly as hard as we thought. There's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and not just on the money front. We're happy, pretty healthy aside from genetic stuff that you have to live with and a silly bum leg, and we're alive and together. Really, that's what it's all about.
And then, before I knew it, my 1600m was over and it was off to change and head out to work. Another morning well spent in the pool.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Back to Being More Positive
I am, most days, the girl who always says the glass is half-full and all that jazz. But as you saw in yesterday's post there are those moments when the "woe is me" half-empty gal visits. Luckily, she usually disappears quickly back into the strange sort of ether from which she arrived.
Same facts, just a different way of looking at it. Yesterday it dawned on me that I always say (and truly believe) that things happen for a reason. I also strongly believe that if God brings you to it, He'll also bring you through it. (I guess I like little cliches.) Along with this realization is the knowledge that my parents raised me in a lower middle class home and while things were tight sometimes, we were happy. Mr. Darcy and I lived a happy life in grad school living off of our student loans. We have done with less before and we can do with less again. Sure, we have 2 more people in the mix. But when I think about that, I just acknowledge that we have to be more creative. Artwork, dancing to music that we already own, walks in the neighborhood, riding bikes and playing at the neighborhood playground can go a long way with our little ladies. Not to mention being fun... I already have a Thanksgiving art project for them in mind.
We are blessed in many ways, including that Mr. Darcy and I make a good team and we love each other and our Angelfish and Ladybug very much. Happiness is not bought it is created, so we will be creative!
As for my leg, it hurts and my little experiment of not wearing my knee sleeve didnt' help alleviate pain. In fact, by the end of the day, my foot swole a little bit and the muscles on the outside of my knee, the ones on the backside of my quad, my arch and my entire calf were hurting. 800mg of ibuprofen really only went so far. In fact, I woke up with pain this morning. As irony would have it, my triceps were hurting a little (I can only presume it's from all that pulling without kicking) so I decided to take a rest day. I plan to go to the pool tomorrow and Friday and not kick at all (no matter how much I want to). I have my leg propped up on my trash can and a roll of birthday wrap (see, being creative already) and will take 800 more of ibuprofen once the 4 hour period is up since my calf is screaming at me (and I took 800 mg 2 hours ago) and my arch feels tight. I realized that I am blessed in this of all things too: 1) maybe I need to slow down and this is God's way of saying so; 2) I'm not used to this type of pain which means normally I am healthy; 3) my girls have been giving my legs kisses to try to make it better, which shows me how much they love me and that I'm doing an okay job in raising them to be compassionate for others.
We can always find that silver lining somewhere! Mr. Darcy finds out this afternoon (I believe at 2:30 pm) how much his paycut will be. No matter what it is, we will make it through.
Same facts, just a different way of looking at it. Yesterday it dawned on me that I always say (and truly believe) that things happen for a reason. I also strongly believe that if God brings you to it, He'll also bring you through it. (I guess I like little cliches.) Along with this realization is the knowledge that my parents raised me in a lower middle class home and while things were tight sometimes, we were happy. Mr. Darcy and I lived a happy life in grad school living off of our student loans. We have done with less before and we can do with less again. Sure, we have 2 more people in the mix. But when I think about that, I just acknowledge that we have to be more creative. Artwork, dancing to music that we already own, walks in the neighborhood, riding bikes and playing at the neighborhood playground can go a long way with our little ladies. Not to mention being fun... I already have a Thanksgiving art project for them in mind.
We are blessed in many ways, including that Mr. Darcy and I make a good team and we love each other and our Angelfish and Ladybug very much. Happiness is not bought it is created, so we will be creative!
As for my leg, it hurts and my little experiment of not wearing my knee sleeve didnt' help alleviate pain. In fact, by the end of the day, my foot swole a little bit and the muscles on the outside of my knee, the ones on the backside of my quad, my arch and my entire calf were hurting. 800mg of ibuprofen really only went so far. In fact, I woke up with pain this morning. As irony would have it, my triceps were hurting a little (I can only presume it's from all that pulling without kicking) so I decided to take a rest day. I plan to go to the pool tomorrow and Friday and not kick at all (no matter how much I want to). I have my leg propped up on my trash can and a roll of birthday wrap (see, being creative already) and will take 800 more of ibuprofen once the 4 hour period is up since my calf is screaming at me (and I took 800 mg 2 hours ago) and my arch feels tight. I realized that I am blessed in this of all things too: 1) maybe I need to slow down and this is God's way of saying so; 2) I'm not used to this type of pain which means normally I am healthy; 3) my girls have been giving my legs kisses to try to make it better, which shows me how much they love me and that I'm doing an okay job in raising them to be compassionate for others.
We can always find that silver lining somewhere! Mr. Darcy finds out this afternoon (I believe at 2:30 pm) how much his paycut will be. No matter what it is, we will make it through.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Just When You Thought It Was Safe
I had a hard swim this morning. I needed a hard swim this morning. Of course, I had to use the buoy and I cheated a little bit and swam about 600m of the 2000m I did this morning (including an all out 25 m sprint at the end of the swim - I sprinted so hard my lungs burned. It was awesome!).
Yesterday was an "interesting" day. It was good because I got to send out my "tv debut" and it was really funny to hear from friends and family alike how professional and knowledgeable I sounded (and they all told me I looked great... make up artists and hair dressers following you around can do that). It dawned on me that other than my friends from the old law firm, my friends and family don't see what I'm like as an attorney. Some of them see me as that girl they went to school with who was/is silly and fun loving. Some see me as the little girl they think of because they're my family. And then some of my friends only know me in the sports arena. So it made me laugh at people's reactions, including one of my friends from middle school and high school who said she wouldn't have even recognized me if I hadn't told her it was me.
And I had a good day with the girls who were, all in all, in good moods and a lot of fun.
But work kind of stunk. I did a research project and sent it to my boss. I didn't realize that she wanted the summary of the research to be the email not the attachment, and on top of it I wasn't as specific as I should have been in the email I sent her. The attached research and summary was very clear but the email wasn't. So she emailed back with a question which made me look at my first email again and realized that what I wrote wasn't clear (other than if you were the mice churning the wheels in my own head because I knew what I was talking about). I responded with a very clear explanation this time. She then said that she didn't see that in my first email. I admitted that was the case. She asked me to edit my email. This confused me because I sat there trying to figure out how you edit an email that you've already sent. So I asked if she wanted me to edit the attached summary (which was clear but I wasn't sure if she had even read it) and pointed out what it said and where or to send her a new email. She didn't respond promptly so I just sent her the new email with a very clear explanation and the attachments. After I hit send, she sent an email saying to edit my email and resend it to her. I emailed saying I just sent a separate email. She said that was what she needed. I said that email could be confusing. Then she emailed and told me to call her. I called. She made me feel stupid because I didn't know she wanted the summary to be the email portion and the research the attachment. But it's not like she was overly clear other than saying research X and send me a summary and the rules. Yes, it was for people in our headquarters but why would that mean the summary was supposed to be the email. The second she said it I told her that now everything else made sense about what she was asking for, that I was sorry I hadn't been as clear as I needed to the first time around but that I'm glad I had given her what she needed in the end even if it took some back and forth on the email. And then she brought up a situation from OVER A YEAR AGO that in many ways was very different. But as I've said to a colleague, I don't make mistakes often but when I do my boss NEVER forgets them. And I'm sorry but if you premise a statement with "I don't mean to bring up the past..." you know exactly what you're doing and that it's not nice. And the two things were different... especially in the sense that yesterday's lack of clarity was able to be fixed before it went to the people at headquarters and it was fixed before being sent out. It ticks me off to no end though to have crud thrown in your face like that. Plus, it reminds me of one of the main reasons that I seriously dislike being a lawyer.... you are never allowed to make a mistake - minor or major. And of course, I'm human. As a human, I make mistakes. So to be a lawyer that means you can't be human... which is why there are so many alcoholics in the legal profession (luckily I am not one of them). And it also explains why I had a glass of red wine with dinner that was really the size of 2 regular glasses of red wine... just in one red wine glass.
Well, that and Mr. Darcy's news. Last week things were looking like we might be out of the woods for the pay cuts because rumors were going around the office that if you weren't in the title structure (which Mr. Darcy is not yet a part of because he was a lateral hire and then they froze giving promotions much later in the year due to the state of the economy and there being fewer projects even available to try for, etc.) you weren't going to be subject to the pay cuts. Supposedly the idea was that the title structure people had shared in the bonuses (non-title structure people don't get bonuses) when times were good that now that times were not so good they were going to be the ones to get the paycut. Which is respectable, although as I said to Mr. Darcy, most companies don't work that way so let's not go out and celebrate just yet. Then the next day more rumors because allegedly everyone who was getting a paycut had an appointment scheduled with the big cheese for sometime last week so that they would know what their paycut would be before November 1st - the day that the paycuts take effect. Friday came and went and Mr. Darcy didn't get an email or a hint that an email would be coming to notify him of a paycut. So for the weekend, we were feeling a little more at ease about things (but without spending of course).
Well, I tend to be right a lot. Monday at 11 am, Mr. Darcy got an appointment emailed to him about seeing the big cheese for this Wednesday. As did two others in his work group who are not part of the title structure. They only mentioned to each other that they had an appointment scheduled, and didn't discuss much else. And of course, we can only expect that this will be the dreaded paycut discussion. Mr. Darcy's Dad said that perhaps it would be that they were going to tell them that they weren't getting cuts and to reassure them that the company was healthy enough. At this point I would rather expect the worst and be surprised with the best, and not blow sunshine you know where. While Mr. Darcy's Dad could be right, companies do that sort of thing, they also usually give you a hint that things are okay when they do them. No such hint was given. Thus, the wine.
What was good and bad about the day was my leg. It didn't seem to hurt much yesterday, but at 6 pm I noticed that my calf was swollen to the point that the bottom of the knee sleeve was digging into it. So I took some advil and took off the knee sleeve. Within 10 minutes of taking off the knee sleeve, my calf was hurting badly and even the arch of my foot was hurting. This morning it hurt a little when I walked around, but not much. WHen I swam without the buoy, my calf started to ache a little bit when I had gotten to the 300m part of the swim, so I used the buoy from that point until I got sick of it and did my last 300m without it. But I noticed that when I used the buoy and pushed off the wall, I would get a really strong twinge in the muscle on the back side of my quad. I couldn't tell if it was related to my hamstring or just the quad though. Even after swimming my last 300 m (including the awesome 25 m sprint), my leg didn't bother me... until I was sitting in the car driving home from the gym. And then it had some minor aching, which went away. But now when I walk, I have some pain in my calf and the arch of my foot feels really tight and a little painful. That is the part that has me nervous... I read stuff online (in fact I've had a doctor ban me from doing medical research on the internet even though I only look at Mayo Clinic and some other very trustworthy sites, even though I helped diagnose the problem I was having) and what I've seen that is a little similar is not good. But I can't find anything that sounds exactly like what's going on with me, which is both good and bad.
I'm not someone that likes to wait around on things, and I know enough about the human body to be dangerous in looking at things. But that's what I just have to do... ignore the internet, wait for the expert, and drink wine and hit the pool in the meantime of all this waiting around on doctors, bosses, and potential paycuts. In the end, it will all work out and I will survive and even be happy. All I can do is my best. All will out in the end.
I'll hope for a happier, lighter post for the 'morrow. Thanks for tuning in!
Yesterday was an "interesting" day. It was good because I got to send out my "tv debut" and it was really funny to hear from friends and family alike how professional and knowledgeable I sounded (and they all told me I looked great... make up artists and hair dressers following you around can do that). It dawned on me that other than my friends from the old law firm, my friends and family don't see what I'm like as an attorney. Some of them see me as that girl they went to school with who was/is silly and fun loving. Some see me as the little girl they think of because they're my family. And then some of my friends only know me in the sports arena. So it made me laugh at people's reactions, including one of my friends from middle school and high school who said she wouldn't have even recognized me if I hadn't told her it was me.
And I had a good day with the girls who were, all in all, in good moods and a lot of fun.
But work kind of stunk. I did a research project and sent it to my boss. I didn't realize that she wanted the summary of the research to be the email not the attachment, and on top of it I wasn't as specific as I should have been in the email I sent her. The attached research and summary was very clear but the email wasn't. So she emailed back with a question which made me look at my first email again and realized that what I wrote wasn't clear (other than if you were the mice churning the wheels in my own head because I knew what I was talking about). I responded with a very clear explanation this time. She then said that she didn't see that in my first email. I admitted that was the case. She asked me to edit my email. This confused me because I sat there trying to figure out how you edit an email that you've already sent. So I asked if she wanted me to edit the attached summary (which was clear but I wasn't sure if she had even read it) and pointed out what it said and where or to send her a new email. She didn't respond promptly so I just sent her the new email with a very clear explanation and the attachments. After I hit send, she sent an email saying to edit my email and resend it to her. I emailed saying I just sent a separate email. She said that was what she needed. I said that email could be confusing. Then she emailed and told me to call her. I called. She made me feel stupid because I didn't know she wanted the summary to be the email portion and the research the attachment. But it's not like she was overly clear other than saying research X and send me a summary and the rules. Yes, it was for people in our headquarters but why would that mean the summary was supposed to be the email. The second she said it I told her that now everything else made sense about what she was asking for, that I was sorry I hadn't been as clear as I needed to the first time around but that I'm glad I had given her what she needed in the end even if it took some back and forth on the email. And then she brought up a situation from OVER A YEAR AGO that in many ways was very different. But as I've said to a colleague, I don't make mistakes often but when I do my boss NEVER forgets them. And I'm sorry but if you premise a statement with "I don't mean to bring up the past..." you know exactly what you're doing and that it's not nice. And the two things were different... especially in the sense that yesterday's lack of clarity was able to be fixed before it went to the people at headquarters and it was fixed before being sent out. It ticks me off to no end though to have crud thrown in your face like that. Plus, it reminds me of one of the main reasons that I seriously dislike being a lawyer.... you are never allowed to make a mistake - minor or major. And of course, I'm human. As a human, I make mistakes. So to be a lawyer that means you can't be human... which is why there are so many alcoholics in the legal profession (luckily I am not one of them). And it also explains why I had a glass of red wine with dinner that was really the size of 2 regular glasses of red wine... just in one red wine glass.
Well, that and Mr. Darcy's news. Last week things were looking like we might be out of the woods for the pay cuts because rumors were going around the office that if you weren't in the title structure (which Mr. Darcy is not yet a part of because he was a lateral hire and then they froze giving promotions much later in the year due to the state of the economy and there being fewer projects even available to try for, etc.) you weren't going to be subject to the pay cuts. Supposedly the idea was that the title structure people had shared in the bonuses (non-title structure people don't get bonuses) when times were good that now that times were not so good they were going to be the ones to get the paycut. Which is respectable, although as I said to Mr. Darcy, most companies don't work that way so let's not go out and celebrate just yet. Then the next day more rumors because allegedly everyone who was getting a paycut had an appointment scheduled with the big cheese for sometime last week so that they would know what their paycut would be before November 1st - the day that the paycuts take effect. Friday came and went and Mr. Darcy didn't get an email or a hint that an email would be coming to notify him of a paycut. So for the weekend, we were feeling a little more at ease about things (but without spending of course).
Well, I tend to be right a lot. Monday at 11 am, Mr. Darcy got an appointment emailed to him about seeing the big cheese for this Wednesday. As did two others in his work group who are not part of the title structure. They only mentioned to each other that they had an appointment scheduled, and didn't discuss much else. And of course, we can only expect that this will be the dreaded paycut discussion. Mr. Darcy's Dad said that perhaps it would be that they were going to tell them that they weren't getting cuts and to reassure them that the company was healthy enough. At this point I would rather expect the worst and be surprised with the best, and not blow sunshine you know where. While Mr. Darcy's Dad could be right, companies do that sort of thing, they also usually give you a hint that things are okay when they do them. No such hint was given. Thus, the wine.
What was good and bad about the day was my leg. It didn't seem to hurt much yesterday, but at 6 pm I noticed that my calf was swollen to the point that the bottom of the knee sleeve was digging into it. So I took some advil and took off the knee sleeve. Within 10 minutes of taking off the knee sleeve, my calf was hurting badly and even the arch of my foot was hurting. This morning it hurt a little when I walked around, but not much. WHen I swam without the buoy, my calf started to ache a little bit when I had gotten to the 300m part of the swim, so I used the buoy from that point until I got sick of it and did my last 300m without it. But I noticed that when I used the buoy and pushed off the wall, I would get a really strong twinge in the muscle on the back side of my quad. I couldn't tell if it was related to my hamstring or just the quad though. Even after swimming my last 300 m (including the awesome 25 m sprint), my leg didn't bother me... until I was sitting in the car driving home from the gym. And then it had some minor aching, which went away. But now when I walk, I have some pain in my calf and the arch of my foot feels really tight and a little painful. That is the part that has me nervous... I read stuff online (in fact I've had a doctor ban me from doing medical research on the internet even though I only look at Mayo Clinic and some other very trustworthy sites, even though I helped diagnose the problem I was having) and what I've seen that is a little similar is not good. But I can't find anything that sounds exactly like what's going on with me, which is both good and bad.
I'm not someone that likes to wait around on things, and I know enough about the human body to be dangerous in looking at things. But that's what I just have to do... ignore the internet, wait for the expert, and drink wine and hit the pool in the meantime of all this waiting around on doctors, bosses, and potential paycuts. In the end, it will all work out and I will survive and even be happy. All I can do is my best. All will out in the end.
I'll hope for a happier, lighter post for the 'morrow. Thanks for tuning in!
Monday, November 2, 2009
The Week Begins...
with a sad goodbye to Halloween and a happy smile toward the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons. Other than the blatant commercialism of things, this is one of my favorite times of year. I'm that girl who loves the spirit of Christmas and how from Thanksgiving to New Year's people seem just a little bit nicer and just a little bit happier. What could be better than that?
Our Halloween was a good one. I volunteered at the Winter Park Family Fall Festival in the morning, which the kiddies, Mr. Darcy and the grand-Darcy's opted out of because Grandad Darcy is having knee issues. We'll have to go next year because the girls would have loved it - arts and crafts booths, face painting, music, food, bounce houses and all of it FREE (which is the part that TriMommy loves). But I met them at home after Mr. Darcy's unsuccessful efforts to get the girls to play soccer. This picture says it all about Angelfish and Ladybug's feelings about soccer....
Mr. Darcy and I are plotting to dress them in cheerleading outfits for their last game of the season. They have 2 little "dress up" sets of it, might as well.
Anyway, so I came home and ate lunch with everyone, put the girls down for a nap so they'd be happy and have energy for trick-or-treating, and watched the Florida-Georgia game. Go GATORS!
Then it was dinner and handing out candy while trying to tame two rather excited 3 year-olds into eating so we could go and get our own candy from the neighbors. Angelfish was all about the trick-or-treating. No fear, marching straight up to people and doors, saying trick-or-treat, reaching in bowls or saying "I can get my own" to people who tried to hand the candy to her. People thought she was a hoot. We insisted on her saying "Thank you," which she was good about. Ladybug was a little more tenative, wanting to hold Mommy's hand while she did her trick-or-treating at first, but then she got braver as the walk went on. Super cute.
My leg unfortunately was not as happy as the weekend was. It is hurting worse and worse it seems, and I'm not running or biking. Walking can be just downright painful. I plan to call the doctor and see if I can be put on a cancellation list to try and get in earlier. Of course, maybe it's just getting worse before it gets better... but somehow I don't think so. Ugh. I'll keep you all posted.
Now back to the work chaos...Happy November everyone!
The Long Awaited Infomercial/"TV Show" Premiere
I've been waiting and agonizing, but finally I can post a link to the Infomercial/"TV Show" segment that I did for work several months back. It aired for the first time this weekend in the Seattle area, which is kind of ironic as I was just there! It must be where my fan base is located, HAHAHAHA!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ivFkza7FEM
I'm in the first few minutes. : )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ivFkza7FEM
I'm in the first few minutes. : )
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