When I left for my run today, I was a solid brick of stress. Mr. Darcy and the girls were no where near leaving on time and by 7:30 I had enough. I was out the door and off for my run after a little bit of a shouting match (that I'm not overly proud of) with Mr. Darcy. This time of year is stressful enough, having Christmas Cards to get out, Christmas presents to wrap, lights to put on the house, a party on Friday to hold (not to mention purchasing all that I need for the party), a 5K Saturday morning (that I'm thinking of skipping for my sanity, but know I'll be happier even if crazier if I do it), a trip back to Mr. Darcy's parents so the girls can attend the Santa Luncheon at their country club. Not to mention that the house looked completely like a bomb went off in it by the time I got home from Atlanta (although Mr. Darcy did straighten up a little bit last night while I was at a Junior League Meeting) and the end of the year charitable donations still need to be made. But then, of course, the inability to stop worrying about my Mom even though I'm trying not to worry and stress about it.
I'm pretty sure my blood pressure had to be up. I even cursed in the general vicinity of my children, which is something I never do. I can't undo it now, but I've got to find a way to lessen this stress. The sad part is that I think the only way I will feel better is once the cancer is cut out. Mom has an appointment with the plastic surgeon tomorrow, so I'm hoping we'll have a surgery scheduled soon. Mr. Darcy said he can't wait for the holidays, and to be perfectly honest right now I'm no where focused on the holidays. I don't even know where I will be definitely on the holidays - here? my parents? Is it too much for my parents to have the girls around if surgery is before Christmas? I want to visit them on the weekends, but Mom is trying to work enough to make sure that she has the hours she needs to keep her medical insurance through work so she's working all this weekend and most likely all next weekend too. So I have all this floating around in my head at regular intervals, with my trying to push it into the back of my mind. And I wonder why I'm short on patience.
I couldn't find my HR monitor watch (which I just found next to my keyboard under a piece of paper) this morning so I had to wear my clunky watch that would at least count down the 45 minutes I needed to run. I was in a foul and throughly stressed mood. And it looked like it would rain, and with it being December (and forgetting I live in central Florida where the high today will be around 84), I put on a long sleeve "cold weather" under armour shirt to run in. It did not rain, and I sweat like a pig in a sweatsuit.
45 minutes. I started the watch and took off carrying a card I should have mailed weeks ago. Better late than never, I guess. I ran to the mailbox and then around the rest of the little horseshoe and back onto the regular path. My mind was going a million miles a minute thinking things like "I cannot be responsible for Mr. Darcy's getting to work on time. He's a grown man. It's his responsibility even if it stresses him out." and "Oh I really should not have cursed even with the girls in the next room. That was not good." And then I remembered that I was supposed to do 7/1's at the highest end for the 45 minute run. I looked down and it was only 3 minutes and 23 seconds into the run and I was pretty far distance wise for that amount of time. I kept going and my mind slowed a bit.
By 7 minutes into the distance, my running and mental pace had slowed a little bit but I still made it to the mile mark around 9 minutes total (even with walking that 1 minute in there). I started listening to the sound of my shoes as I ran. They were sort of squeeking. I'm not sure why but these shoes squeek when I run, especially if the road is wet. I realized I was still breathing like I hadn't warmed up yet, kind of that "this is hard" type of breathing and I focused on relaxing it. Somewhere I lopped off 10 minutes of time in my math (the watch counts down not up for some reason), so I decided not to do the 3 mile trail and went for the 2 mile trail. With 22 full minutes left and already being around the 2.25 mile mark, it dawned on me that I still had a good bit of time left in the run and I was approaching the house.
There is something about my brain that when I run, I cannot run by the house because if I see or pass the house, I want to stop. Yet, I felt good. My body felt good, my breathing was good. But my brain. It was not in it. It tried to convince me to stop. It told me that I had cleaned the house a bit before going for a run and that should count for something. I told my brain to be quiet. I told myself I would be happy later that I did the full 45 minutes. That I just needed to keep up with the 7/1's and if I had to I could go lower. I could do 5/1's or even 3/1's. My body was insulted and told my brain that I was nuts because it could go and go at this pace (which had slowed a bit more) and that a total of 45 minutes for a run was really nothing. My brain said, but there is so much else to do. Don't you want a shower and to sit down with a nice cup of green tea and honey and just sit for a moment - like in a coffee commercial? So I lied to myself. I told myself that if I finished the last 7/1 that there would still be 5 minutes left and that I would let myself walk the entire thing. My body knew it was a lie. My brain was ready to fall for anything.
So instead of running toward the house I ran across the bridge and into another little part of the neighborhood, up to another side street and then doubled back toward the house. But I was faster than I thought I was going because I was back at the house - but on the other side of the road - so I ended up passing the house 3 more times before the 45 minutes was up. When the last 5 minutes were left, I walked the 1 minute I was supposed to and then started right back up running. My brain didn't even protest. It knew better all along. My body was happy although a little ticked off that I had worn that cold weather shirt... it wanted to know what I was thinking. At the end of my 4.25 miles, quite possibly the farthest I've run in 45 minutes in recent history (and goodness only knows if I could repeat it when it matters), my face was beet red my shirt, sports bra and running shorts were soaked, and I could feel sweat running down my arms inside of my shirt. But for 40 minutes or so, I hadn't thought about all I had to do. I hadn't thought about cancer. For 5 minutes after the run, I didn't think about it either because all I could do was think about drinking water and then the recoverite I decided I should drink since I had sweat so much and gone pretty fast for me.
In the shower, I thought about what tomorrow's workout was and whether I was supposed to do a run before the strength training or just a 10-15 minute cardio warm up. It wasn't until I sat down in the office to start the day that it all came back.
But that's okay. My 45 minutes run was my therapy for the day. That and Mr. Darcy's nice note telling me that he doesn't want me to worry about helping him get out of the house anymore because he knows I need to run and work out and bathe before work and that he wants me to be happy. That he can handle it. A good run and a good man. I'm a lucky woman, despite it all.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Mind Whirls and Swirls
First, thank you all for your comments on my last post. I appreciate them! And now for the bits whirling and swirling in my brain today...
I finally got a hold of my parents last night to find out what the surgon said. A little after 7 pm, they called me back. By that time I was worried - had something happened to them or my Grammie? Nope. The surgeon had been running late for their appointment and then it took awhile, and then they went for dinner. They don't believe in leaving the cellphone on, and in all fairness to them, they probably needed a little down time before talking to me.
The news, while cancer, had seemed to be somewhat cheery. Like this would not be all that bad, despite the C-word. I even had read on line that this had a huge survival rate and some doctors don't even think of it as cancer but as "pre-cancer." Well, that would be for those lucky folks who have the cribiform version - not the "comedo" version of DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) that has already grown to 5 cm, like my Mom. The good news is that the "in situ" means it hasn't spread outside the duct and that is still true. The other good news is that for that particular biopsy it did not show that the cancer was the kind that likes to spread. And also while the survival rate isn't as high as the 96-98% we saw on line, it's still pretty good at 86-90%.
The bad news? Well, the surgeon said that the biopsy was done in the middle of the cancer and if he had to guess there were parts of it that would have said that it was the spreading kind. His guess was that it had been there several months but less than a year since it hadn't shown up on last year's mammogram. And he said that he didn't think a lumpectomy was a good idea. The surgeon said that he wants to remove her entire breast, so radiation is off the table because as he put it there won't be any tissue left to radiate. During the surgery, they're also going to take the 4 major lymph nodes out of her armpit and then test them to see if there is cancerous material in them. If no cancer (which if I remember this right, the doctor thought that there wouldn't be any but that it was still about 50/50 chance), then no chemo. If cancerous material is found in the lymph nodes, then chemo would be needed. Mom will also need reconstructive surgery after the removal to prevent back and muscle problems from essentially being lop sided afterwards, so they're trying to get her in to see that surgeon this week so he and the oncology surgeon can schedule her surgery together.
The other bad news was that for whatever reason, she didn't have the right hormone receptor test results. Instead of ++-+, she had --+-. That means that the hormone treatment they can use to slow or halt the growth of the DISC in most women won't work on Mom. So, the surgeon hopes to have this all removed before Christmas.
The good news though is that the surgeon seems like he knows a ton, my parents liked him and feel comfortable with him, and the office staff was great. So, to go through all this, she's in good hands with people who know what they're doing. And besides, she's going to be okay. It's just going to be a lot to go through.
I think I was thrown by the mention of chemo and no radiation since that is the opposite of what we were expecting based on her appointment on Friday. Of course, they were giving her the general counseling information that applies to the majority of DCIS patients, and the surgeon was dealing with what is specific to her. And there's still a possibility that she won't need chemo either. I just thought it was going to be less threatening than it was. A little bit of seeing the glass fuller than it may have been. But, I'd rather they be more aggressive in treatment than not aggressive enough.
After the call I was stressed beyond compare. Dad sounded tired and tense, but he said he was okay. Mom said the same. It's a lot to asorb. The girls unfortunately decided to run wild and be terrible listeners, both fully missing out on earning their red token. Bed time was a nightmare. They probably were trying to make me laugh or get attention or something, but it was making me nuts. I stuck to the routine, sang the night time songs through their being super silly while the lights were out, and then left the room. They opened the door and were being super loud - screaming loud. So I slammed it shut. They were quiet from that point forward, although Ladybug decided to pull her comforter out into the living room and sing songs in front of the Christmas tree that I had left lit for Mr. Darcy (who worked late - until 1 am - on a project deadline). I had to make her go back to bed and turned off the tree. (Looking back at it through less stressed eyes, that was pretty cute...) She was in the living room a few minutes later, but I ignored her at that point.
This morning I woke up stressed out and my back was like a brick wall (it's where I carry my stress). Today is officially Day 1 of my Princess 1/2 Marathon Training regime and it was supposed to be the cross-training day - I can cross train with anything not weight bearing. Swim, bike, pilates, yoga type stuff. I fully intended to ride my bike. But due to oversleeping and needing to talk about things with Mr. Darcy, the family got out the door much later than they should have been. I needed to relax too. So, I used my cross-training day to do 1/2 an hour of pilates followed by 1/2 an hour of yoga. As irony would have it, my most recent taping of Namaste Yoga was "Yoga for Distance Runners." So that is what I did, and it was awesome. I felt a lot better afterwards, although I can feel the stress seeping back in.
At this point, I just want the cancer out of my mother. I think I'll feel better once we know exactly when her surgery is going to be. Then we can figure out everything from there. The knowing while not knowing is what makes us crazy, isn't it? I know I need to let go and let God take over since he's much better at the omniscient thing than I am. But boy it's hard when you know that you're not in control.
Tommorrow is a 45 minute run. For once, I am really looking forward to the run. And I'm even tempted to try to charge up my iPod Shuffle and use it for the run tomorrow - in one ear only, of course - so I really can leave everything behind on the run. I have a funny feeling that the 1/2 Marathon training may be the only thing to help me keep my sanity until this is all over. And Team in Training kicks in during the last month of the 1/2 Marathon training, so that will be good too. I'm so glad I have my training!
It's funny with triathlon and half marathons, we train to endure the distance and yet the training also helps us to just endure.
Not sure if I mentioned (other than in passing) that I am doing St. Anthony's with Team in Training. As you all know from reading my blog, I hate cancer and love life! If you'd like to support my hatred for cancer and express some of your own hatred for cancer as well as your love for life, please donate in support of my Team in Training efforts! You can donate online at http://pages.teamintraining.org/cfl/anttry10/kmartinmou or email me and I'll give you an address that you can send a check to me (made out to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, of course). No donation is too small!
I finally got a hold of my parents last night to find out what the surgon said. A little after 7 pm, they called me back. By that time I was worried - had something happened to them or my Grammie? Nope. The surgeon had been running late for their appointment and then it took awhile, and then they went for dinner. They don't believe in leaving the cellphone on, and in all fairness to them, they probably needed a little down time before talking to me.
The news, while cancer, had seemed to be somewhat cheery. Like this would not be all that bad, despite the C-word. I even had read on line that this had a huge survival rate and some doctors don't even think of it as cancer but as "pre-cancer." Well, that would be for those lucky folks who have the cribiform version - not the "comedo" version of DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) that has already grown to 5 cm, like my Mom. The good news is that the "in situ" means it hasn't spread outside the duct and that is still true. The other good news is that for that particular biopsy it did not show that the cancer was the kind that likes to spread. And also while the survival rate isn't as high as the 96-98% we saw on line, it's still pretty good at 86-90%.
The bad news? Well, the surgeon said that the biopsy was done in the middle of the cancer and if he had to guess there were parts of it that would have said that it was the spreading kind. His guess was that it had been there several months but less than a year since it hadn't shown up on last year's mammogram. And he said that he didn't think a lumpectomy was a good idea. The surgeon said that he wants to remove her entire breast, so radiation is off the table because as he put it there won't be any tissue left to radiate. During the surgery, they're also going to take the 4 major lymph nodes out of her armpit and then test them to see if there is cancerous material in them. If no cancer (which if I remember this right, the doctor thought that there wouldn't be any but that it was still about 50/50 chance), then no chemo. If cancerous material is found in the lymph nodes, then chemo would be needed. Mom will also need reconstructive surgery after the removal to prevent back and muscle problems from essentially being lop sided afterwards, so they're trying to get her in to see that surgeon this week so he and the oncology surgeon can schedule her surgery together.
The other bad news was that for whatever reason, she didn't have the right hormone receptor test results. Instead of ++-+, she had --+-. That means that the hormone treatment they can use to slow or halt the growth of the DISC in most women won't work on Mom. So, the surgeon hopes to have this all removed before Christmas.
The good news though is that the surgeon seems like he knows a ton, my parents liked him and feel comfortable with him, and the office staff was great. So, to go through all this, she's in good hands with people who know what they're doing. And besides, she's going to be okay. It's just going to be a lot to go through.
I think I was thrown by the mention of chemo and no radiation since that is the opposite of what we were expecting based on her appointment on Friday. Of course, they were giving her the general counseling information that applies to the majority of DCIS patients, and the surgeon was dealing with what is specific to her. And there's still a possibility that she won't need chemo either. I just thought it was going to be less threatening than it was. A little bit of seeing the glass fuller than it may have been. But, I'd rather they be more aggressive in treatment than not aggressive enough.
After the call I was stressed beyond compare. Dad sounded tired and tense, but he said he was okay. Mom said the same. It's a lot to asorb. The girls unfortunately decided to run wild and be terrible listeners, both fully missing out on earning their red token. Bed time was a nightmare. They probably were trying to make me laugh or get attention or something, but it was making me nuts. I stuck to the routine, sang the night time songs through their being super silly while the lights were out, and then left the room. They opened the door and were being super loud - screaming loud. So I slammed it shut. They were quiet from that point forward, although Ladybug decided to pull her comforter out into the living room and sing songs in front of the Christmas tree that I had left lit for Mr. Darcy (who worked late - until 1 am - on a project deadline). I had to make her go back to bed and turned off the tree. (Looking back at it through less stressed eyes, that was pretty cute...) She was in the living room a few minutes later, but I ignored her at that point.
This morning I woke up stressed out and my back was like a brick wall (it's where I carry my stress). Today is officially Day 1 of my Princess 1/2 Marathon Training regime and it was supposed to be the cross-training day - I can cross train with anything not weight bearing. Swim, bike, pilates, yoga type stuff. I fully intended to ride my bike. But due to oversleeping and needing to talk about things with Mr. Darcy, the family got out the door much later than they should have been. I needed to relax too. So, I used my cross-training day to do 1/2 an hour of pilates followed by 1/2 an hour of yoga. As irony would have it, my most recent taping of Namaste Yoga was "Yoga for Distance Runners." So that is what I did, and it was awesome. I felt a lot better afterwards, although I can feel the stress seeping back in.
At this point, I just want the cancer out of my mother. I think I'll feel better once we know exactly when her surgery is going to be. Then we can figure out everything from there. The knowing while not knowing is what makes us crazy, isn't it? I know I need to let go and let God take over since he's much better at the omniscient thing than I am. But boy it's hard when you know that you're not in control.
Tommorrow is a 45 minute run. For once, I am really looking forward to the run. And I'm even tempted to try to charge up my iPod Shuffle and use it for the run tomorrow - in one ear only, of course - so I really can leave everything behind on the run. I have a funny feeling that the 1/2 Marathon training may be the only thing to help me keep my sanity until this is all over. And Team in Training kicks in during the last month of the 1/2 Marathon training, so that will be good too. I'm so glad I have my training!
It's funny with triathlon and half marathons, we train to endure the distance and yet the training also helps us to just endure.
Not sure if I mentioned (other than in passing) that I am doing St. Anthony's with Team in Training. As you all know from reading my blog, I hate cancer and love life! If you'd like to support my hatred for cancer and express some of your own hatred for cancer as well as your love for life, please donate in support of my Team in Training efforts! You can donate online at http://pages.teamintraining.org/cfl/anttry10/kmartinmou or email me and I'll give you an address that you can send a check to me (made out to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, of course). No donation is too small!
Monday, December 7, 2009
It's a Wonderful Life
Every year at Christmastime (or as Ladybug said to me this morning "Oh, you mean the Christmas season...") I watch "It's a Wonderful Life." Hands down the best movie anyone has ever made. I've watched it every year of my life - at least once, and up to 5 times a Christmas time. Perhaps it impacted my belief system because I can't remember a year of my life that I didn't watch it. I've watched it once already, but I think I may watch it again this week. But I think it teaches us the biggest truth of life. Each of us touches the lives of others and without us the world would not be as it should be. Or as my friend Nazrina said this weekend, "Wherever you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be in life." Or even the most karmic of statements, "what goes around comes around."
In the past week, this couldn't be more true. And I have to say it renews my hope - not just in my own life, but in the world itself. I went to Atlanta and had a great time meeting A's baby and spending time with Belle and Craftygirl. As I approached Atlanta with a painfully full bladder (I refused to stop for more than one refill of gas), I saw the skyline and thought "I'm home!" And at first I really felt that way. My friends are the good kinds - the ones you know are real friends because you pick up with them again just like you never left them. Dinner with Belle and Craftygirl was the best fun!
Thursday I was at a new hotel in Buckhead for the CLE. I knew exactly where it was and how to take the "back roads" to get there to avoid traffic. I also had in mind that Mom was getting her biopsy report at 3:30 pm. that day. Somehow I paid attention and even learned a thing or two. I drank more cups of coffee that day than I think I've ever had in one day in my life. The room was cold, and I did switch to decaf part way through the day (thank goodness). At 3:30 pm, the segment was going for pro bono opportunities with the bar and my stomach was a bundle of nerves. They mentioned the Northern Georgia Cancer SUpport Center and I almost burst into tears. I knew in the pit of my stomach what they just told my Mom. People make fun of it, but my Dad and I know things. We knew from the moment my Mom told us she had to get additional mammography shots and a sonogram what it was. We couldn't tell you how we know these things, but we do. And we're accurate. 99% of the time if we have a feeling about something, we're right. We hoped for the 1% error margin to kick in, but it was still a shock when it didn't.
On the way to Belle's house after the CLE was over for the day, I called the house. My parents didn't answer. I called their cellphone (which they never seem to have on) and no one answered. I kept driving. Part way home, my parents called. My Dad talked to me a second, sounding a little cheery but I wasn't fooled. He put my Mom on the phone and she told me. Cancer. No matter how prepared you are to hear it, it is still a shock. To the point that I ended up driving to and pulling into my old driveway (in my defense, our old house is only a few blocks away from Belle's house) instead of Belle's house.
The good news is that it is DISC, which some doctors don't fully consider cancer but as pre-cancer. It is called Duct In Situ Carcinoma meaning that it is located only in her milk duct (as far as they can tell). The good news is that it does not look like it's invaded the breast tissue. The bad news is that she has the one kind of it that has the potential to do so and that is fast moving. The good news is that they can give her a hormone treatment to surpress the cancer's growth and there is a 96-98% survival rate, and they think they caught hers early even if it is 2 inches by 2 inches. She'll have surgery, they'll check her lymph nodes, and she may or may not have radiation. No chemo. It's sort of the type of breast cancer that if you're going to have breast cancer, you should try for this one.
Mom has an appointment with the surgeon at 4:15 pm today. She'll know more about dates and treatment, etc. etc. after that. The day of her biopsy, my poor Dad had to rush my Grammy into the ER because she was bleeding from her "lady parts" as she would call them. With her Alzheimer's and her serious prudity, the doctors and nurses had to pretty much wrestle her to let them examine her. No tumor, but they think she has uterine cancer. They can't really do a biopsy because she'd have to be awake for the procedure and after just doing the examination, no one was relishing that idea. They also looked at her medical records and realized that not only with the Alzheimers but also with her cardiology problems and situation that even if the biopsy confirmed the doctor's opinion, that they couldn't do surgery on her anyway because she wouldn't survive the surgery. So we just have to hope and pray for no pain as things progress.
After I finished talking to my parents, my phone rang again. It was one of my best friends on the planet who I called earlier in the week about our concert on Sunday. I told her what was going on, and she told me "remember when my Mom had breast cancer? It's the same type. She's okay now. No breast cancer recurrences at all." I talked, she made me feel a little better. Belle came home and I was still in her driveway. I told her the story, and as any good friend who is also a cancer survivor would do, she talked to me about it, told me it was all going to be okay and then got me drunk. The next morning she said it was to make sure I got some sleep. But I remember that during our conversation, she said to me that it was wierd this was happening while I was there because she had a friend trying to convince her to give some talks for the American Cancer Society as a cancer survivor, but that she'd been resisting because she doesn't like to think of herself as a cancer victim to be pitied and that now she was rethinking things. I told her it wasn't pity they were looking for, it was the strength she had from being a survivor.
Friday I sat through the CLE, ran into an old sorority sister who is now practicing law in Atlanta, and talked with another of my bestest friends in the world, who told me the best thing ever "if you need me to be anywhere or to do anything, including getting on a plane and coming to wherever you are, you call me day or night." And I knew right then and there, that I was not alone. I told Nazrina about the situation and she said, that's so wierd - I never wear pink and I'm wearing it today and I couldn't find a pen and used my breast cancer awareness pen this morning.
I went and got my nails done after the CLE was over, and it hit me. Atlanta is not my home anymore. I was meant to live there when I did, and now I'm meant to be in Orlando. 2 1/2 hours away from my Mom while she goes through this. Involved with organizations that let me do what I am passionate about - trying to raise money for cancer research. It's my 2nd cancer Christmas in a row. Last year was Angela. This year it's my Mom, Training Buddy, Doug, Grammy, and at least a cancer scare for another friend. I realized yesterday that I've found my life cause. Irradicating cancer from this world, so no one else has cancer Christamases. Now to just figure out exactly how to do it as my life's work. I told Mr. Darcy about it all and he agreed. I need to figure out what to do and do it. Medical school will not be involved, but I have other talents to use.
As I drove to Mr. Darcy's parents' house from Atlanta on Saturday, I started to worry about my Mom. She's a wonderful person. She has a true heart of gold but was raised in a family that taught her not to share her feelings, not to show love or other emotions - even to those you felt them for. Until you get to know her, which is often hard to do, she seems like a bit of a meanie and uber serious. Once you get to know her, you realize she is the sweetest and kindest person even if she sometimes can say and do things in a way that comes off like sandpaper on an open wound... she's trying to do something because she cares. She is first one to cook meals for someone when they lose a loved one or have a surgery, to pray or send a kind word through the mail to someone. But she has a REALLY hard time of reaching out to people. And I've never been sure of whether she has any women friends.
But I talked to my Dad on the phone and God has been busy sending her Angels of his own, like Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life. A woman who my Mom cooked meals for when her son died, called and talked to her for over an hour offering rides to the doctor, etc. People she works with told her they've had breast cancer too and offered to talk to her any time. A childhood friend's Mom went through her line at work and asked her if she were okay because she didn't seem herself, my Mom whispered to her that she has breast cancer, to which the woman replied, "We'll have lunch you and I. I had a full masectomy 8 weeks ago. No one knew but me, Husband and Daughter." The support system I was worried about was springing to life - all because my Mom is that person who never asks for anything return but always acts from her heart.
And the worries I have about my Dad through all this seemed to be a little relieved too. He told Aunt (who in my opinion has never given my Dad enough credit for things in life) about my Mom and Grammy. She cried and then she told him that she always thought she was stronger but that now she realizes he is the strong one in the family. He sounded more relaxed than he had in awhile when talking about her. He told me too that he walks 45 minutes a day. I told him that I am here for anything and everything they need or want and that family is more important than anything else in life. He agreed that I am the back up. I told him I'm better than the Marines and I give hugs and kisses.
Mr. Darcy says I like "It's a Wonderful Life" because I'm George Bailey. But I think we're all a little bit of George Bailey, perhaps I'm just a little more like him than some in Mr. Darcy's eyes.
My Mom said something to me on the phone the other day when I checked on her the morning after the news. Something about her wanting me to live my life and enjoy it. I think it's the best advice she's ever given me. The best part will be knowing that she'll be here to share a lot more of it. I told her she's going to be Okay, but things might suck for a little bit. In the end, the web of good she's woven will be just like George Bailey's - no matter how things go. That's another thing I feel in my bones.
So I leave you with 2 quotes from the best movie ever made, "It's a Wonderful Life." The first is said by Clarence (Angel 2nd Class) when George doesn't quite understand why everything he sees is so different from before (when he existed). It is why we must be the good in the world, why we need to know that we are just where we need to be at every moment of our lives - whether good or bad,
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
The second, that is just a good reminder: "Remember George, No man is a failure who has friends."
In the past week, this couldn't be more true. And I have to say it renews my hope - not just in my own life, but in the world itself. I went to Atlanta and had a great time meeting A's baby and spending time with Belle and Craftygirl. As I approached Atlanta with a painfully full bladder (I refused to stop for more than one refill of gas), I saw the skyline and thought "I'm home!" And at first I really felt that way. My friends are the good kinds - the ones you know are real friends because you pick up with them again just like you never left them. Dinner with Belle and Craftygirl was the best fun!
Thursday I was at a new hotel in Buckhead for the CLE. I knew exactly where it was and how to take the "back roads" to get there to avoid traffic. I also had in mind that Mom was getting her biopsy report at 3:30 pm. that day. Somehow I paid attention and even learned a thing or two. I drank more cups of coffee that day than I think I've ever had in one day in my life. The room was cold, and I did switch to decaf part way through the day (thank goodness). At 3:30 pm, the segment was going for pro bono opportunities with the bar and my stomach was a bundle of nerves. They mentioned the Northern Georgia Cancer SUpport Center and I almost burst into tears. I knew in the pit of my stomach what they just told my Mom. People make fun of it, but my Dad and I know things. We knew from the moment my Mom told us she had to get additional mammography shots and a sonogram what it was. We couldn't tell you how we know these things, but we do. And we're accurate. 99% of the time if we have a feeling about something, we're right. We hoped for the 1% error margin to kick in, but it was still a shock when it didn't.
On the way to Belle's house after the CLE was over for the day, I called the house. My parents didn't answer. I called their cellphone (which they never seem to have on) and no one answered. I kept driving. Part way home, my parents called. My Dad talked to me a second, sounding a little cheery but I wasn't fooled. He put my Mom on the phone and she told me. Cancer. No matter how prepared you are to hear it, it is still a shock. To the point that I ended up driving to and pulling into my old driveway (in my defense, our old house is only a few blocks away from Belle's house) instead of Belle's house.
The good news is that it is DISC, which some doctors don't fully consider cancer but as pre-cancer. It is called Duct In Situ Carcinoma meaning that it is located only in her milk duct (as far as they can tell). The good news is that it does not look like it's invaded the breast tissue. The bad news is that she has the one kind of it that has the potential to do so and that is fast moving. The good news is that they can give her a hormone treatment to surpress the cancer's growth and there is a 96-98% survival rate, and they think they caught hers early even if it is 2 inches by 2 inches. She'll have surgery, they'll check her lymph nodes, and she may or may not have radiation. No chemo. It's sort of the type of breast cancer that if you're going to have breast cancer, you should try for this one.
Mom has an appointment with the surgeon at 4:15 pm today. She'll know more about dates and treatment, etc. etc. after that. The day of her biopsy, my poor Dad had to rush my Grammy into the ER because she was bleeding from her "lady parts" as she would call them. With her Alzheimer's and her serious prudity, the doctors and nurses had to pretty much wrestle her to let them examine her. No tumor, but they think she has uterine cancer. They can't really do a biopsy because she'd have to be awake for the procedure and after just doing the examination, no one was relishing that idea. They also looked at her medical records and realized that not only with the Alzheimers but also with her cardiology problems and situation that even if the biopsy confirmed the doctor's opinion, that they couldn't do surgery on her anyway because she wouldn't survive the surgery. So we just have to hope and pray for no pain as things progress.
After I finished talking to my parents, my phone rang again. It was one of my best friends on the planet who I called earlier in the week about our concert on Sunday. I told her what was going on, and she told me "remember when my Mom had breast cancer? It's the same type. She's okay now. No breast cancer recurrences at all." I talked, she made me feel a little better. Belle came home and I was still in her driveway. I told her the story, and as any good friend who is also a cancer survivor would do, she talked to me about it, told me it was all going to be okay and then got me drunk. The next morning she said it was to make sure I got some sleep. But I remember that during our conversation, she said to me that it was wierd this was happening while I was there because she had a friend trying to convince her to give some talks for the American Cancer Society as a cancer survivor, but that she'd been resisting because she doesn't like to think of herself as a cancer victim to be pitied and that now she was rethinking things. I told her it wasn't pity they were looking for, it was the strength she had from being a survivor.
Friday I sat through the CLE, ran into an old sorority sister who is now practicing law in Atlanta, and talked with another of my bestest friends in the world, who told me the best thing ever "if you need me to be anywhere or to do anything, including getting on a plane and coming to wherever you are, you call me day or night." And I knew right then and there, that I was not alone. I told Nazrina about the situation and she said, that's so wierd - I never wear pink and I'm wearing it today and I couldn't find a pen and used my breast cancer awareness pen this morning.
I went and got my nails done after the CLE was over, and it hit me. Atlanta is not my home anymore. I was meant to live there when I did, and now I'm meant to be in Orlando. 2 1/2 hours away from my Mom while she goes through this. Involved with organizations that let me do what I am passionate about - trying to raise money for cancer research. It's my 2nd cancer Christmas in a row. Last year was Angela. This year it's my Mom, Training Buddy, Doug, Grammy, and at least a cancer scare for another friend. I realized yesterday that I've found my life cause. Irradicating cancer from this world, so no one else has cancer Christamases. Now to just figure out exactly how to do it as my life's work. I told Mr. Darcy about it all and he agreed. I need to figure out what to do and do it. Medical school will not be involved, but I have other talents to use.
As I drove to Mr. Darcy's parents' house from Atlanta on Saturday, I started to worry about my Mom. She's a wonderful person. She has a true heart of gold but was raised in a family that taught her not to share her feelings, not to show love or other emotions - even to those you felt them for. Until you get to know her, which is often hard to do, she seems like a bit of a meanie and uber serious. Once you get to know her, you realize she is the sweetest and kindest person even if she sometimes can say and do things in a way that comes off like sandpaper on an open wound... she's trying to do something because she cares. She is first one to cook meals for someone when they lose a loved one or have a surgery, to pray or send a kind word through the mail to someone. But she has a REALLY hard time of reaching out to people. And I've never been sure of whether she has any women friends.
But I talked to my Dad on the phone and God has been busy sending her Angels of his own, like Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life. A woman who my Mom cooked meals for when her son died, called and talked to her for over an hour offering rides to the doctor, etc. People she works with told her they've had breast cancer too and offered to talk to her any time. A childhood friend's Mom went through her line at work and asked her if she were okay because she didn't seem herself, my Mom whispered to her that she has breast cancer, to which the woman replied, "We'll have lunch you and I. I had a full masectomy 8 weeks ago. No one knew but me, Husband and Daughter." The support system I was worried about was springing to life - all because my Mom is that person who never asks for anything return but always acts from her heart.
And the worries I have about my Dad through all this seemed to be a little relieved too. He told Aunt (who in my opinion has never given my Dad enough credit for things in life) about my Mom and Grammy. She cried and then she told him that she always thought she was stronger but that now she realizes he is the strong one in the family. He sounded more relaxed than he had in awhile when talking about her. He told me too that he walks 45 minutes a day. I told him that I am here for anything and everything they need or want and that family is more important than anything else in life. He agreed that I am the back up. I told him I'm better than the Marines and I give hugs and kisses.
Mr. Darcy says I like "It's a Wonderful Life" because I'm George Bailey. But I think we're all a little bit of George Bailey, perhaps I'm just a little more like him than some in Mr. Darcy's eyes.
My Mom said something to me on the phone the other day when I checked on her the morning after the news. Something about her wanting me to live my life and enjoy it. I think it's the best advice she's ever given me. The best part will be knowing that she'll be here to share a lot more of it. I told her she's going to be Okay, but things might suck for a little bit. In the end, the web of good she's woven will be just like George Bailey's - no matter how things go. That's another thing I feel in my bones.
So I leave you with 2 quotes from the best movie ever made, "It's a Wonderful Life." The first is said by Clarence (Angel 2nd Class) when George doesn't quite understand why everything he sees is so different from before (when he existed). It is why we must be the good in the world, why we need to know that we are just where we need to be at every moment of our lives - whether good or bad,
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
The second, that is just a good reminder: "Remember George, No man is a failure who has friends."
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Flip Side of Thanksgiving...
... means we're on a collision course with Christmas and New Year's!
I started yesterday with a 4 mile run to try to work off some of Thanksgiving. Not too shabby with an average of an 11 minute mile pace, while doing 9/1's. Today was a 20 minute stint on the stationary bike (7.8 miles) followed by weight training, and 1/2 a mile run/walk at the end. It was to be a 2 mile easy cool down run at the end, but my calf wasn't cooperating. So I listened to my body and stopped. The calf is good but it's not quite 100%. It's getting there though, so we don't want to reverse the healing trend.
I plan to get up early tomorrow and do a little bit of speed work before heading out on my road trip to Atlanta for work and some fun when I'm not on the clock. I may not get to post while I'm away, but I'm sure I'll have something to post when I get back.
Somewhere over the holiday weekend, I decided that there are a few things that I want to do. You can call them Pre-New Year's Resolutions or whatever you want. But it's my action plan all the same.
The first of these is to really pay attention to the joy and fun that my children can and do bring to my life. So before I get to the rest, here are a couple of things overheard from the kiddies the past few days:
1. Ladybug: "Oh no! Goldilocks ate my porrige and is in my bed! Call the Police!" Angelfish: "Don't worry! I'm a girl police!"
2. Angelfish (after being told Santa might not want to bring her a motorcycle for safety reasons): "I'll be very careful. I'll only ride it on the road and I'll hang on real tight because I don't want to fall off!"
3. Ladybug: "I am NOT babe. I'm (said her full name). But you can sometimes call me Ladybug!"
4. Angelfish: "We just saw a reindeer in the backyard, Mommy! He must be checking on us for Santa." (It was a regular deer without antlers...)
5. Ladybug: "I'm hungry. (lifts up shirt to show belly button) My tummy says, 'give me something healthy and good to eat - quick!"
They really are pretty funny!
Next, is to find a few moments of peace to meditate and release tension etc. at the end of each day. Right now the work day ends, I rush off to get the kids, rush to make dinner, play with the girls, get the girls in bed, talk to Mr. Darcy, and fall into bed. No wonder I feel tense a lot.
Find joy in happiness in what I have, instead of focusing on the parts of life that aren't as "good." I used to be a really positive person. I'm still positive but not quite like before. I'd like to get that part of me back.
Have more fun - even doing my everyday stuff. I'm hoping to find a way to make life more fun by making the mundane items of every day more interesting.
Take better care of myself. I already try to workout to take care of my body and my health. I try to eat healthy (although Thanksgiving weekend may have undone all of the weight that I had lost), but I need to really focus on this more (she says after remembering the store bought pizza she put in the oven for dinner last night). Get my butt out of bed earlier each morning and make sure I start my workouts on time so I can shower before work. (Easier said than done.)
Dress better.... not just whatever I grabbed to throw on, but go back to taking pride in how I look each day. (Even if no one but the daycare ladies and the family see me that day.) Wear make up. Blowdry my hair. All the things I used to do when we lived in Atlanta because I wouldn't be seen sloppy or unkept - I never knew who I was going to run into.
Be a better wife. Instead of getting into pajamas and into bed after the kids go to bed, I need to try to stay in an upright position so I can have meaningful conversation and be a good listener to Mr. Darcy. I fell asleep on the poor guy last night as he was talking about all the stressful stuff he has going on right now... which is not what he needs. I'm trying to help him find ways to deal with his stress and I go and make him feel like I'm not there for him because I can't even stay awake. Yes he's cozy and his voice is soothing, but it's still no excuse. I'm supportive at all other times (at least to the best of my ability), but come night time and I'm out.
Be a better Mom. I am a pretty good Mom, but I let myself get frustrated when the girls aren't doing what I want them to do. Does it really matter if they put their socks and shoes on before eating yogurt instead of after like they want instead of when I want them too? I need to learn to pick my battles. I'm good at loving on my kids too, but I tend to want it my way on my time frame and in my order of doing things (sounds a bit like Ladybug, doesn't it?) and when the girls don't comply (even if they do what I want in a different way on a different time frame) I get all worked up. I've learned to pick my battles on these things with Mr. Darcy over the years, so now I'm going to work on it with the girls. No more of the mentality that I am the parent and thus they must put their shoes and socks on at the moment I want, yogurt (or whatever else) be d@mned. This isn't to say that I won't be keeping discipline, but just doing it with the idea that I don't control them. Instead I need to teach them and help them grow into wonderful, successful, kind and caring individuals. Plus it will help with decreasing my own stress. I mean really, why does it matter when the little things happen as long as they happen?
Accept my body for what it is. I've never been good at this one. Even before I had children, I was always finding something that needed work. It's been hard to accept that I will never be the size 4 that I was before getting pregnant. Or even the same sort of size 10 that I was before we found out I had PCOS and returned to being the size 4 I had been in college and high school. Now I have pretty nice looking legs, a nice rear and back, decent arms, and a stomach that starts at my ribs and angles outward and that I can lift and move because of all the stretched out skin I have from being pregnant with twins. It's funny actually. If you look at me straight on, I look good - I have an hour glass shape - until I turn to the side and there's that stomach, which is why I fall apart when someone asks me if I'm pregnant. I am coming to accept that it's not going anywhere (other than when I lift it up to make that flat stomach in the mirror). I took the first step this weekend. I went through my entire closet and my dresser and tried every item of clothing on, including the stuff that I've been hoping to someday get back into. If it didn't fit or didn't look good on me, it went in a pile for donation (save 3 things - one no one else can tell that it doesn't fit right and it still looks good; the other 2 are very close to fitting right). My closet is pretty empty and the pile is pretty big. I was holding on to a lot of the past. Now my job is to slowly shop and buy things that make my body look good the way it is, not the way I want it to be.
Accept my new city as my new home. I am going to find ways to get to know Orlando more, and to find what I want, where I live now. I am going to stop comparing it to Atlanta. It's hard to do - the arts, the culture, the shopping, etc. I loved my life in Atlanta and I will always hang onto my friends there and keep the wonderful memories of living there. But I am making the decision right now, that Atlanta is no longer my home. Orlando is now my home, and to make it my home I need to get to know it. So I'm going to try to get to know the different areas and what there is to do where. There is no symphony here, which was one of my favorite things to go and do in Atlanta, so I'm going to have to find some other cultural aspect of the city to explore and enjoy. I'm not sure how to go about doing this, but I'll be keeping my eye out for an Orlando guide that's not just all about the theme parks - and maybe taking jaunts on the weekends to scope things out.
I have so much to be Thankful for, and that is what Thanksgiving showed me. It also made me realize that I can do more in my life to accept all the goodness that I have in it. The action list was born even if I didn't realize it until I started writing this post...
While I'll be in Atlanta this week and part of the weekend, next weekend is the girls' night party here in Orlando, a 5K Reindeer Run Saturday morning, and I'm thinking that if the girls' earn enough red tokens we'll take them to see the new Disney "Princess and the Frog" movie. We have to get them to see Santa at some point too. Angelfish wants a motorcycle for her and for Ladybug, a book for Mr. Darcy, and a pretty present for me. Ladybug wants a candy cane, a book, and a toy. But I can't wait to hear what they actually tell Santa they want...
So straight on to Christmas!
I started yesterday with a 4 mile run to try to work off some of Thanksgiving. Not too shabby with an average of an 11 minute mile pace, while doing 9/1's. Today was a 20 minute stint on the stationary bike (7.8 miles) followed by weight training, and 1/2 a mile run/walk at the end. It was to be a 2 mile easy cool down run at the end, but my calf wasn't cooperating. So I listened to my body and stopped. The calf is good but it's not quite 100%. It's getting there though, so we don't want to reverse the healing trend.
I plan to get up early tomorrow and do a little bit of speed work before heading out on my road trip to Atlanta for work and some fun when I'm not on the clock. I may not get to post while I'm away, but I'm sure I'll have something to post when I get back.
Somewhere over the holiday weekend, I decided that there are a few things that I want to do. You can call them Pre-New Year's Resolutions or whatever you want. But it's my action plan all the same.
The first of these is to really pay attention to the joy and fun that my children can and do bring to my life. So before I get to the rest, here are a couple of things overheard from the kiddies the past few days:
1. Ladybug: "Oh no! Goldilocks ate my porrige and is in my bed! Call the Police!" Angelfish: "Don't worry! I'm a girl police!"
2. Angelfish (after being told Santa might not want to bring her a motorcycle for safety reasons): "I'll be very careful. I'll only ride it on the road and I'll hang on real tight because I don't want to fall off!"
3. Ladybug: "I am NOT babe. I'm (said her full name). But you can sometimes call me Ladybug!"
4. Angelfish: "We just saw a reindeer in the backyard, Mommy! He must be checking on us for Santa." (It was a regular deer without antlers...)
5. Ladybug: "I'm hungry. (lifts up shirt to show belly button) My tummy says, 'give me something healthy and good to eat - quick!"
They really are pretty funny!
Next, is to find a few moments of peace to meditate and release tension etc. at the end of each day. Right now the work day ends, I rush off to get the kids, rush to make dinner, play with the girls, get the girls in bed, talk to Mr. Darcy, and fall into bed. No wonder I feel tense a lot.
Find joy in happiness in what I have, instead of focusing on the parts of life that aren't as "good." I used to be a really positive person. I'm still positive but not quite like before. I'd like to get that part of me back.
Have more fun - even doing my everyday stuff. I'm hoping to find a way to make life more fun by making the mundane items of every day more interesting.
Take better care of myself. I already try to workout to take care of my body and my health. I try to eat healthy (although Thanksgiving weekend may have undone all of the weight that I had lost), but I need to really focus on this more (she says after remembering the store bought pizza she put in the oven for dinner last night). Get my butt out of bed earlier each morning and make sure I start my workouts on time so I can shower before work. (Easier said than done.)
Dress better.... not just whatever I grabbed to throw on, but go back to taking pride in how I look each day. (Even if no one but the daycare ladies and the family see me that day.) Wear make up. Blowdry my hair. All the things I used to do when we lived in Atlanta because I wouldn't be seen sloppy or unkept - I never knew who I was going to run into.
Be a better wife. Instead of getting into pajamas and into bed after the kids go to bed, I need to try to stay in an upright position so I can have meaningful conversation and be a good listener to Mr. Darcy. I fell asleep on the poor guy last night as he was talking about all the stressful stuff he has going on right now... which is not what he needs. I'm trying to help him find ways to deal with his stress and I go and make him feel like I'm not there for him because I can't even stay awake. Yes he's cozy and his voice is soothing, but it's still no excuse. I'm supportive at all other times (at least to the best of my ability), but come night time and I'm out.
Be a better Mom. I am a pretty good Mom, but I let myself get frustrated when the girls aren't doing what I want them to do. Does it really matter if they put their socks and shoes on before eating yogurt instead of after like they want instead of when I want them too? I need to learn to pick my battles. I'm good at loving on my kids too, but I tend to want it my way on my time frame and in my order of doing things (sounds a bit like Ladybug, doesn't it?) and when the girls don't comply (even if they do what I want in a different way on a different time frame) I get all worked up. I've learned to pick my battles on these things with Mr. Darcy over the years, so now I'm going to work on it with the girls. No more of the mentality that I am the parent and thus they must put their shoes and socks on at the moment I want, yogurt (or whatever else) be d@mned. This isn't to say that I won't be keeping discipline, but just doing it with the idea that I don't control them. Instead I need to teach them and help them grow into wonderful, successful, kind and caring individuals. Plus it will help with decreasing my own stress. I mean really, why does it matter when the little things happen as long as they happen?
Accept my body for what it is. I've never been good at this one. Even before I had children, I was always finding something that needed work. It's been hard to accept that I will never be the size 4 that I was before getting pregnant. Or even the same sort of size 10 that I was before we found out I had PCOS and returned to being the size 4 I had been in college and high school. Now I have pretty nice looking legs, a nice rear and back, decent arms, and a stomach that starts at my ribs and angles outward and that I can lift and move because of all the stretched out skin I have from being pregnant with twins. It's funny actually. If you look at me straight on, I look good - I have an hour glass shape - until I turn to the side and there's that stomach, which is why I fall apart when someone asks me if I'm pregnant. I am coming to accept that it's not going anywhere (other than when I lift it up to make that flat stomach in the mirror). I took the first step this weekend. I went through my entire closet and my dresser and tried every item of clothing on, including the stuff that I've been hoping to someday get back into. If it didn't fit or didn't look good on me, it went in a pile for donation (save 3 things - one no one else can tell that it doesn't fit right and it still looks good; the other 2 are very close to fitting right). My closet is pretty empty and the pile is pretty big. I was holding on to a lot of the past. Now my job is to slowly shop and buy things that make my body look good the way it is, not the way I want it to be.
Accept my new city as my new home. I am going to find ways to get to know Orlando more, and to find what I want, where I live now. I am going to stop comparing it to Atlanta. It's hard to do - the arts, the culture, the shopping, etc. I loved my life in Atlanta and I will always hang onto my friends there and keep the wonderful memories of living there. But I am making the decision right now, that Atlanta is no longer my home. Orlando is now my home, and to make it my home I need to get to know it. So I'm going to try to get to know the different areas and what there is to do where. There is no symphony here, which was one of my favorite things to go and do in Atlanta, so I'm going to have to find some other cultural aspect of the city to explore and enjoy. I'm not sure how to go about doing this, but I'll be keeping my eye out for an Orlando guide that's not just all about the theme parks - and maybe taking jaunts on the weekends to scope things out.
I have so much to be Thankful for, and that is what Thanksgiving showed me. It also made me realize that I can do more in my life to accept all the goodness that I have in it. The action list was born even if I didn't realize it until I started writing this post...
While I'll be in Atlanta this week and part of the weekend, next weekend is the girls' night party here in Orlando, a 5K Reindeer Run Saturday morning, and I'm thinking that if the girls' earn enough red tokens we'll take them to see the new Disney "Princess and the Frog" movie. We have to get them to see Santa at some point too. Angelfish wants a motorcycle for her and for Ladybug, a book for Mr. Darcy, and a pretty present for me. Ladybug wants a candy cane, a book, and a toy. But I can't wait to hear what they actually tell Santa they want...
So straight on to Christmas!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving
As you can tell from the past few posts, I've been a bit low lately. This morning's news that another friend is having cancer problems, this time melanoma, made me hate cancer all the more.
Yet there is something inside of me that is seeking out the happiness in my life. I'm starting to see it everywhere and the happiness is infectious. I rather like it. I'm finding it in the littlest of things. Like reminding the girls that if they are good listeners today they will get to help me make the pumpkin pie tonight and their responses. Angelfish, "once we make it we can eat it all up!" Ladybug, "I like pumpkin but I don't like pumpkin seeds, but I really like pumpkin pie." Or discovering that a new friendly acquaintance randomly knows of my friend J, K, and my friendly acquaintance L and that K is her vet too and now she's making sure she comes to the little holiday party we're having. Or asking Coach if she wants to come over for Thanksgiving dinner and realizing I have no plan as to a time we're going to plan to eat. Or the fact that you can convince a 3 year old that peach colored underpants are "thanksgiving color" and that makes them all the rage, to the point you have to find the only other pair of peach colored underpants for her twin sister. Or the fact that Mr. Darcy is now convinced that he needs to work out at least 30 minutes everyday because he doesn't want to get shingles again and that perhaps if his doctor, his Dad and I all think this is a good idea that maybe it really is something he should do. Or that Coach too has a tough time getting that shower in between working out and work sometimes too. Or laughing because even though you aren't going to get to see any family members (other than Mr. Darcy and the little ladies of course) you realize that your friend J's family Thanksgiving on Saturday is something you really like going to (we went last year too) and is almost like a new little family made of friends. Or that happiness that only your children can give you when they hug and kiss you and want to keep kissing you instead of going to school and you have to convince them that they can give you more kisses after school so Daddy won't be late for work. Or that one 3 year old tells the other 3 year old who has just passed gas that she needs to "spray your stinky!" in reference to air freshener; and the 1st 3 year old responds, "but I said excuse me!"
Happiness is all around us, even in the stinkiest of times, we just have to open our eyes to it. And somewhere I have been walking around with my eyes only partially open. I am opening them wide and letting all that happiness show itself from now on.
So here is a list of things that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed!
1. For Mr. Darcy, how much we love each other, and how he can make me laugh and even frustrate the heck out of me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. For Angelfish who dazzles with her smile and her silliness and then amazes with her brillant intelligence, and whose laid back personality make life fun.
3. For Ladybug who despite being ornery and stubborn has a subtle sense of humor, a smile that lights up the room, and a creative yet orderly way of thinking and who is super smart too.
4. For Heather and Lauren, my 2 girls from college who I know are there for me no matter the miles between us - through thick and thin and everything in between.
5. For "Belle" and "Craftgirl" my ATL triplets who make me smile and who are my buds through and through. And who I can't wait to see in a few days!
6. For Jen, my lawschool friend who has made me feel like family from the moment we met and even more so now that we are both in Orlando together. I seriously doubt I would have been able to adjust to Orlando nearly as well without her. Not to mention she's the one that told me she heard an ad for Team in Training on the radio...
7. For Coach and Training Buddy who have become my friends, and not just because of Team in Training and our love for all things triathlon, but because they're real and not only do they talk but they also listen.
8. For my parents, without them I wouldn't be who I am. I love them with all my heart and wish I could make their lives easier than it is right now.
9. For my in-laws, who have been good to me and wonderful grandparents to the little ladies.
10. For my house, even though sometimes I feel stuck here when I don't get out enough, there really isn't anywhere else I'd want to feel "stuck." It is one of the most comfortable places I've ever been and I believe that something spoke to us when we saw this house and we just knew we wanted to live here. Besides, there are so many who are homeless that having shelter is a true blessing.
11. For my job, it lets me pay the bills and provide a good life for my family.
12. For Team in Training, it gave me a love for triathlon while helping me feel like I was doing something about cancer.
13. For Angela's Dad, her friend (and now my friend) Liz, Angela's husband, and Angela's sister. I always knew you all indirectly through Angela, but now I love having you as a more direct part of my life. It's almost as though Angela gave me the gift of you all. This time of year will always be hard for us, especially December, but I know that Angela is pain free and happy in heaven... and hopefully putting in a good word or two with the Big Guy Upstairs so we'll get to hang out with her again when its our time.
14. For Angela who keeps me company on a regular basis. Not in the same way she did while living, but in little things that make me think of her the way she was before Cancer. The fact that I read a book, see a news report, hear a song, etc. and I think of her. Not to mention the times when I hear her telling me stuff in my head. No, I'm not crazy. I just know what she'd say and sometimes that advice, joke, etc. is what I need to hear.
15. For all the gifts God has given me - physically, mentally, emotionally, and the fact that I am alive and kicking.
16. For sorrow, it's normal to feel it and it shows that I am compassionate and love others.
17. For faith in God, without it I would have never made it through so many things that I have gone through in this life. Because I believe that God would not bring me to it if He could not bring me through it. I can do all things with God's help.
18. For all the material blessings I have - I have clothing, food, cars, a home, and extras that make my life easy compared to so many. I just hope I have the good sense to help others with it, not just helping myself.
19. For my brain. I'm smart and that's one of my sources of pride because I can figure out what to do in almost every situation, even if I might get a little weepy or pissy from time to time.
20. For the ability to swim, bike and run... especially while raising money for cancer research and to help those with cancer, and to do it for those who can't. Not to mention all the thanks I owe for all the wonderful people I have met and the places and things I have done while living the Tri lifestyle.
21. For Missy and Geni, who both made me feel welcome, supported and inspired to do and be more from the moment I met them.
22. For all the things that I cannot think of and that I take for granted. I am blessed that they are so obvious that I take them for granted.
23. For this blog, which perhaps has been the best form of mental health therapy for me over the past year or so and which has introduced me to others who blog about life and tri stuff and who have seemed to become part of my life through the written word, encouragement, and commentary. Even if that silly counter still says no one reads it when I know otherwise. : )
24. For the opportunities this world has to offer, even those that I'm not aware of or that I haven't taken. Who knows what door might open next?
25. For hope, because without it I wouldn't have realized how amazingly good life is and how amazingly wonderful people are. People are angels in our lives when we least expect it.
May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Count your blessings, my list isn't exhaustive - it's just the start. Life is good... be sure to share it with those you love!
Yet there is something inside of me that is seeking out the happiness in my life. I'm starting to see it everywhere and the happiness is infectious. I rather like it. I'm finding it in the littlest of things. Like reminding the girls that if they are good listeners today they will get to help me make the pumpkin pie tonight and their responses. Angelfish, "once we make it we can eat it all up!" Ladybug, "I like pumpkin but I don't like pumpkin seeds, but I really like pumpkin pie." Or discovering that a new friendly acquaintance randomly knows of my friend J, K, and my friendly acquaintance L and that K is her vet too and now she's making sure she comes to the little holiday party we're having. Or asking Coach if she wants to come over for Thanksgiving dinner and realizing I have no plan as to a time we're going to plan to eat. Or the fact that you can convince a 3 year old that peach colored underpants are "thanksgiving color" and that makes them all the rage, to the point you have to find the only other pair of peach colored underpants for her twin sister. Or the fact that Mr. Darcy is now convinced that he needs to work out at least 30 minutes everyday because he doesn't want to get shingles again and that perhaps if his doctor, his Dad and I all think this is a good idea that maybe it really is something he should do. Or that Coach too has a tough time getting that shower in between working out and work sometimes too. Or laughing because even though you aren't going to get to see any family members (other than Mr. Darcy and the little ladies of course) you realize that your friend J's family Thanksgiving on Saturday is something you really like going to (we went last year too) and is almost like a new little family made of friends. Or that happiness that only your children can give you when they hug and kiss you and want to keep kissing you instead of going to school and you have to convince them that they can give you more kisses after school so Daddy won't be late for work. Or that one 3 year old tells the other 3 year old who has just passed gas that she needs to "spray your stinky!" in reference to air freshener; and the 1st 3 year old responds, "but I said excuse me!"
Happiness is all around us, even in the stinkiest of times, we just have to open our eyes to it. And somewhere I have been walking around with my eyes only partially open. I am opening them wide and letting all that happiness show itself from now on.
So here is a list of things that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am truly blessed!
1. For Mr. Darcy, how much we love each other, and how he can make me laugh and even frustrate the heck out of me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. For Angelfish who dazzles with her smile and her silliness and then amazes with her brillant intelligence, and whose laid back personality make life fun.
3. For Ladybug who despite being ornery and stubborn has a subtle sense of humor, a smile that lights up the room, and a creative yet orderly way of thinking and who is super smart too.
4. For Heather and Lauren, my 2 girls from college who I know are there for me no matter the miles between us - through thick and thin and everything in between.
5. For "Belle" and "Craftgirl" my ATL triplets who make me smile and who are my buds through and through. And who I can't wait to see in a few days!
6. For Jen, my lawschool friend who has made me feel like family from the moment we met and even more so now that we are both in Orlando together. I seriously doubt I would have been able to adjust to Orlando nearly as well without her. Not to mention she's the one that told me she heard an ad for Team in Training on the radio...
7. For Coach and Training Buddy who have become my friends, and not just because of Team in Training and our love for all things triathlon, but because they're real and not only do they talk but they also listen.
8. For my parents, without them I wouldn't be who I am. I love them with all my heart and wish I could make their lives easier than it is right now.
9. For my in-laws, who have been good to me and wonderful grandparents to the little ladies.
10. For my house, even though sometimes I feel stuck here when I don't get out enough, there really isn't anywhere else I'd want to feel "stuck." It is one of the most comfortable places I've ever been and I believe that something spoke to us when we saw this house and we just knew we wanted to live here. Besides, there are so many who are homeless that having shelter is a true blessing.
11. For my job, it lets me pay the bills and provide a good life for my family.
12. For Team in Training, it gave me a love for triathlon while helping me feel like I was doing something about cancer.
13. For Angela's Dad, her friend (and now my friend) Liz, Angela's husband, and Angela's sister. I always knew you all indirectly through Angela, but now I love having you as a more direct part of my life. It's almost as though Angela gave me the gift of you all. This time of year will always be hard for us, especially December, but I know that Angela is pain free and happy in heaven... and hopefully putting in a good word or two with the Big Guy Upstairs so we'll get to hang out with her again when its our time.
14. For Angela who keeps me company on a regular basis. Not in the same way she did while living, but in little things that make me think of her the way she was before Cancer. The fact that I read a book, see a news report, hear a song, etc. and I think of her. Not to mention the times when I hear her telling me stuff in my head. No, I'm not crazy. I just know what she'd say and sometimes that advice, joke, etc. is what I need to hear.
15. For all the gifts God has given me - physically, mentally, emotionally, and the fact that I am alive and kicking.
16. For sorrow, it's normal to feel it and it shows that I am compassionate and love others.
17. For faith in God, without it I would have never made it through so many things that I have gone through in this life. Because I believe that God would not bring me to it if He could not bring me through it. I can do all things with God's help.
18. For all the material blessings I have - I have clothing, food, cars, a home, and extras that make my life easy compared to so many. I just hope I have the good sense to help others with it, not just helping myself.
19. For my brain. I'm smart and that's one of my sources of pride because I can figure out what to do in almost every situation, even if I might get a little weepy or pissy from time to time.
20. For the ability to swim, bike and run... especially while raising money for cancer research and to help those with cancer, and to do it for those who can't. Not to mention all the thanks I owe for all the wonderful people I have met and the places and things I have done while living the Tri lifestyle.
21. For Missy and Geni, who both made me feel welcome, supported and inspired to do and be more from the moment I met them.
22. For all the things that I cannot think of and that I take for granted. I am blessed that they are so obvious that I take them for granted.
23. For this blog, which perhaps has been the best form of mental health therapy for me over the past year or so and which has introduced me to others who blog about life and tri stuff and who have seemed to become part of my life through the written word, encouragement, and commentary. Even if that silly counter still says no one reads it when I know otherwise. : )
24. For the opportunities this world has to offer, even those that I'm not aware of or that I haven't taken. Who knows what door might open next?
25. For hope, because without it I wouldn't have realized how amazingly good life is and how amazingly wonderful people are. People are angels in our lives when we least expect it.
May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Count your blessings, my list isn't exhaustive - it's just the start. Life is good... be sure to share it with those you love!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
A New Day
Today seems like a new day for some reason, like a new start on something. What the something is, I'm not really sure. It's almost like I woke up some something more than sleep this morning, although it sort of came on little by little as my early morning progressed.
Mr. Darcy definitely has the shingles and is taking his 1 g of Valtrex three times a day like a good boy. I feel badly for him because it hurts (and it's none to pretty either, but there were worse pictures on the net). As he said yesterday while laying on the couch, "This will be a fun Thanksgiving for me." The poor guy. He decided to go in to work today though. At the very least to work the day in the office and bring work home that he can do from home tomorrow while resting. Although, I have a feeling he'll end up back in the office tomorrow.
Mr. Darcy's Dad sent a nice email yesterday telling Mr. Darcy that he needs to not internalize his stress so that he ends up with shingles on a regular basis and that he needs to workout more than just tennis twice a week. He also said that I needed to help Mr. Darcy make sure he relaxes and isn't always on the go so much. The problem is that I honestly cannot take on more of the child rearing or household stuff than I do already without seriously imploding. If I take on more then I cannot workout or have a social life (not that I have an overly active social life as it is) at all because I'm doing everything I can while working full time and doing what my body needs physically. As it is, I don't usually have time to shower after working out and starting work each morning. I don't do any personal shopping, and squeeze my personal hygeine hurriedly either during a lunch break or right before I go get my children from daycare. I feel terrible that I cannot take more of the burden off of Mr. Darcy, but I just can't do it.
In fact, this morning, I realized that not only does Mr. Darcy need to take care of himself but I need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically. I can't skip or stop or cut short my workouts like I've been doing as of late because it really is the only regular thing that I do for myself. When I skip, I find myself to be not as happy and a wee bit grumpy. We both need to find a way to be more wholistic in our approach to life. You know it's not quite right when your idea of a great day is that you got your kids and husband out the door to work and school on time, got your full workout in and had time to not only shower but also put on makeup and accessories to go with your outfit, and that you put time and thought into what you wear that day... not just it's clean and quick.
But there's something about that realization that somewhere is giving me a lot of optimism that we can figure it out. Maybe it's because I got my workout in this morning that all seems right in the world again. Maybe it's because despite having his bone marrow biopsy yesterday where a nerve got hit and they had to remove and start again that my friend Doug sent a funny and yet serious email update about things. Maybe it's reading a blog from someone who discovered that her faith in God and just living her life believing in God and finding out that she's helping others when she didn't even realize it. Maybe it's the spirit of Thanksgiving and just being thankful for what I have. Maybe it's all of it all at once. But whatever it is, I like it.
I went for a 20 minute run this morning. With the words of Coach in my head, "you need to heal completely and then we can work on speed work" as she teased last week after my fast mile, I set out with the thought that I needed to ease up and just do the run. Coach has also wanted me to throw a minute of walking in (I can't think of the method's name at the moment...), so I decided as I set out that I would do 9/1's today. Well, even with "taking it easy" I did my first mile in a hair less than 9 minutes, and the 2nd mile (only because of the 1 minute of walking I wager) in about 10 minutes. So that set a nice stage for my 1/2 hour of yoga. I did a session that is for legs, back and shoulders since that's been a needed area of focus as of late. It was wonderful and as the words of the Namaste Yoga practitioner ended the session, I did feel "open to the universe."
Mr. Darcy definitely has the shingles and is taking his 1 g of Valtrex three times a day like a good boy. I feel badly for him because it hurts (and it's none to pretty either, but there were worse pictures on the net). As he said yesterday while laying on the couch, "This will be a fun Thanksgiving for me." The poor guy. He decided to go in to work today though. At the very least to work the day in the office and bring work home that he can do from home tomorrow while resting. Although, I have a feeling he'll end up back in the office tomorrow.
Mr. Darcy's Dad sent a nice email yesterday telling Mr. Darcy that he needs to not internalize his stress so that he ends up with shingles on a regular basis and that he needs to workout more than just tennis twice a week. He also said that I needed to help Mr. Darcy make sure he relaxes and isn't always on the go so much. The problem is that I honestly cannot take on more of the child rearing or household stuff than I do already without seriously imploding. If I take on more then I cannot workout or have a social life (not that I have an overly active social life as it is) at all because I'm doing everything I can while working full time and doing what my body needs physically. As it is, I don't usually have time to shower after working out and starting work each morning. I don't do any personal shopping, and squeeze my personal hygeine hurriedly either during a lunch break or right before I go get my children from daycare. I feel terrible that I cannot take more of the burden off of Mr. Darcy, but I just can't do it.
In fact, this morning, I realized that not only does Mr. Darcy need to take care of himself but I need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically. I can't skip or stop or cut short my workouts like I've been doing as of late because it really is the only regular thing that I do for myself. When I skip, I find myself to be not as happy and a wee bit grumpy. We both need to find a way to be more wholistic in our approach to life. You know it's not quite right when your idea of a great day is that you got your kids and husband out the door to work and school on time, got your full workout in and had time to not only shower but also put on makeup and accessories to go with your outfit, and that you put time and thought into what you wear that day... not just it's clean and quick.
But there's something about that realization that somewhere is giving me a lot of optimism that we can figure it out. Maybe it's because I got my workout in this morning that all seems right in the world again. Maybe it's because despite having his bone marrow biopsy yesterday where a nerve got hit and they had to remove and start again that my friend Doug sent a funny and yet serious email update about things. Maybe it's reading a blog from someone who discovered that her faith in God and just living her life believing in God and finding out that she's helping others when she didn't even realize it. Maybe it's the spirit of Thanksgiving and just being thankful for what I have. Maybe it's all of it all at once. But whatever it is, I like it.
I went for a 20 minute run this morning. With the words of Coach in my head, "you need to heal completely and then we can work on speed work" as she teased last week after my fast mile, I set out with the thought that I needed to ease up and just do the run. Coach has also wanted me to throw a minute of walking in (I can't think of the method's name at the moment...), so I decided as I set out that I would do 9/1's today. Well, even with "taking it easy" I did my first mile in a hair less than 9 minutes, and the 2nd mile (only because of the 1 minute of walking I wager) in about 10 minutes. So that set a nice stage for my 1/2 hour of yoga. I did a session that is for legs, back and shoulders since that's been a needed area of focus as of late. It was wonderful and as the words of the Namaste Yoga practitioner ended the session, I did feel "open to the universe."
Monday, November 23, 2009
Insomnia, My Old Friend
My insomnia is back. So I sit here unable to sleep and not wanting to toss and turn and take the chance of waking Mr. Darcy who not only has Angelfish's head cold from earlier this week but who also is exhibiting symptoms of shingles (although his rash is not disgusting at this point). He's pretty miserable, and tomorrow morning he'll be calling the doctor for the earliest appointment he can get.
We had a good weekend until we talked to Mr. Darcy's parents and realized that he might have shingles. His grandmother had it when I was pregnant with the Little Ladies, so when I was describing how Mr. Darcy felt and how he had a rash over where he had muscle pain and that the rash would show up the day after the pain started, Mr. Darcy Senior said "sounds like shingles." I went online (of course) and found webmd's lovely pictures of the rash and Mr. Darcy's looks like a minor case of the early stages of shingles. The other sad news is that Mr. Darcy Senior's knee surgery has left him with more pain and a lot of swelling, he can't manuever well on crutches and thus is spending his time getting around in a wheel chair, and with all his physical therapy appointments and the machine that moves his knee for 6 hours everyday, they won't be able to make it for Thanksgiving. We weren't sure how they were going to do it either, but they had been hopeful when we talked to them last Tuesday. So we weren't surprised but we were saddened.
We had a ton of fun with our friends from the ATL at Sea World. The girls got along well and were all in good moods, at least after Ladybug had a terrible fit and time out in the ladies room at Sea World first. I had to hold the door shut from the outside of the stall while leaning all my body weight back. The child is strong. Good side affect was that my back felt better afterwards. Bad side effect - I'm pretty sure that a ton of women think I'm evil because I let my child scream "let me out" and wail and all sorts of things. I got a lot of nasty looks. At one point, I wasn't a saint - Ladybug crawled out from the stall under the door and kicked my leg. I picked her up put her on the toilet seat and told her she was in time out because she was being a brat. Not one of my finer moments. But then I went on the other side of the door again, and held it shut and didn't say a word for the rest of the 3 minutes that seemed to be an eternity. Our friend was in the bathroom toward the end of the time out and she said that she thought I was doing really well... and I really needed to hear it at that point. : ) But after that, it was smooth sailing!
Their little man at all of 8 months old was the cutest thing! Even Mr. Darcy wanted to hold him and Mr. Darcy avoids holding babies. Not because he doesn't like them, but because he likes them and doesn't want to be tempted into having more of them. But he couldn't resist holding little C. I couldn't resist it either. A little guy who chews on your fingers and smiles at you with those teething gums showing is too much to resist. So I held him while he napped at one point. I resist holding babies alot because it makes me want them too. The irony was that the night before I had a dream that we had a baby boy and named him Benjamin. And sitting there holding the little C. man, I wanted another baby. Mr. Darcy even joked at dinner that we could have another one, and I told him he better not say things he doesn't mean. Later I told him I would like to have another one, and he said he'd need to think about it and let the idea sink in some. I'm guessing it's going to come back down to his not wanting another child because life is just sort of settling down with the girls. But I could be wrong, you never know... Either way, we had a great time with our friends.
I also had fun with the ladies I went to see "New Moon" with. The movie was good - at least if you've read the book. The acting wasn't terrible this time, so I actually enjoyed it. Fluff is a good thing at times, and this was definitely one of them. Afterwards we had coffee and chatted and it was a lot of fun. Then it was home to discover a naked Ladybug crying while Angelfish "helped" her Daddy try to fix their dressser drawer. Ladybug had an accident and was having trouble with the drawers when Mr. Darcy decided to fix it for her. Ladybug doesn't really like change (she's a lot like Mr. Darcy that way - has to let it sink in and decide whether or not she likes the idea of the change before embracing the change) so she was a bit worked up about the whole thing. Meanwhile, Angelfish was handing Mr. Darcy the screwdriver and screws and the tracks. She was loving it. It reminded me of when I was really little and built a birdhouse with my Poppop. Ladybug admitted she was upset about the drawers (especially since Mr. Darcy was rearranging the order of where clothing was so that she could reach it easier) and that if she was going to have a new drawer then she thought she needed all new underwear too. I told her that we couldn't have new underwear because money doesn't grow on trees and that we have to use what we have. She said okay and then I said "You just don't like change do you?" and she said, "No. Why do things have to change?" It was the sweetest thing. She got over it a little bit later when I took her to the grocery store alone with me. I had to laugh when we were in the car, pulling out of the driveway, and she said "why do you want me to go to the grocery store with you?" I told her that it was so we could spend some time one on one, so that she didn't have to share me with her sister or her Daddy. She seemed to like that, and we had a good time. So good that she forgave me without a 2nd thought when I completely forgot to get her cookie from the bakery for good behavior. She remembered right when I did and we were 1/2 way home.
I had a blast with the girls, with Mr. Darcy, with our friends this weekend!
I also had a chat with my Dad about my Mom and her biopsy situation. She hadn't told my Dad that she talked to me 3 times this week and she didn't tell him all the things she told me, and she didn't tell me all that she told him. He and I are both on the same page about the information we have that she's told us from the doctor. We both think there's a good chance that she has breast cancer, but we also are hopeful and think it could turn out to be nothing too. But we also realize that she's not just being a positive thinker at the moment... she's more like the Queen of Denial that this could be something "bad." Even if it is cancer, it's early enough that she'll be fine. We're a little worried that if the news is that it is cancer, she's not going to take it well despite her bravado of "and if it does turn out to be cancer, I've told them to just do a mastectomy." I know it's eating her up to have to wait until December 2nd for the biopsy and December 3rd for the results. But whatever the news, we will pull through. That is what we do.
It was kind of funny though. I said something on the phone to my Dad and it made a lot of sense with all that is going on. I told him that sometimes I get frustrated with them, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. And that's sort of how I feel about my life right now. I get frustrated with life and it's bad news for my friend and the scare for my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't love life. In fact, I think it's because I do love it. I love the people in my life and I don't want bad things to happen to them.
But I also realized while writing this post in my insomniatic state that it also has to do with fear. I've always had 2 fears in my life. One was that my best would never be good enough. Good enough for what, I'm not always sure, but probably for people to keep loving me or for life to stay good or something. And the other is that I would end up alone. Cancer especially is a double threat for my fears. Reality is, even if I was a doctor or a researcher, I may not be able to find a cure for cancer. Just like as a lawyer, I may not be able to help find a cure with fundraising. My best efforts might not be good enough to save the life of someone I care about. Goodness knows that I couldn't save Angela, although she'd probably laugh at the idea of me wanting to be able to ride in on the white horse to save the day and remind me that even though it sucks I don't get to control everything. That job's already taken by the Big Guy Upstairs.
And second, cancer threatens my fear of being alone. I've never been the type to be with people who weren't good for me just to be with people, but I've always wanted to be with people who I liked and admired. I'm a "people person" - I like people despite the fact that there are some people who suck. There are just so many more that don't. And those in my life are the ones I want to be around. They definitely do not suck and are good to their cores. They're sometimes hard to find in this world, but when I find them I want to be around them. But cancer likes to take people away and to feed into that fear that I will end up alone in this world not being able to share life and its insanity and its beauty with someone. Maybe that's why I'm so selfish with my family time too. I'm an only child and when my parents are gone, I feel as though in some ways I'll be all alone in one aspect of my world. So I value all the time I can get with them.
Well, it goes to show that insomnia sometimes is a helpful counselor. It's when those fears bubble up that you can't sleep (even after 3 advil which normally put me to sleep) that sometimes you figure it all out.
The good news is that it is all positive. I will do what I can do to raise money and help others raise money for cancer research in whatever way I can. I will love the people I have in my life for the length of time that they are given to me to love. I will live in the moments of my life the best I can. I will accept (although I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with the idea) that there are things in this life that are outside of my control and that I have to trust in God's plan even when I don't understand it (and especially when I in my narrow view of the universe would think I'd make things be different). And if I end up alone, I will know that I did my best and that is really all that any of us can do and that no matter what the outcome it will just have to be good enough.
So now, after being awake in the middle of the night for more than 2 hours, I'm going to try to make myself sleep. I'll be taking the Little Ladies to school in a few hours, attempting to at least get 5-10 minutes of cardio and some weight training in before the work day starts (more cardio would be better of course, but I only have so many hours in the day), remember to water the plant on the front porch, work a full day, have a fun lunch with my friend J (if she's not scared off by my email disclaimer about Mr. Darcy's possible shingles), probably take care of Mr. Darcy a bit, feed and have fun with Angelfish and Ladybug this evening, and try to make up for my lost sleep by going to bed early.
I hope you all have a great Monday and that my tome here wasn't too overly depressing... there is joy for me in getting it out and realizing that I can do what I can do and that is empowerment in and of itself. So thanks for putting up with it!
We had a good weekend until we talked to Mr. Darcy's parents and realized that he might have shingles. His grandmother had it when I was pregnant with the Little Ladies, so when I was describing how Mr. Darcy felt and how he had a rash over where he had muscle pain and that the rash would show up the day after the pain started, Mr. Darcy Senior said "sounds like shingles." I went online (of course) and found webmd's lovely pictures of the rash and Mr. Darcy's looks like a minor case of the early stages of shingles. The other sad news is that Mr. Darcy Senior's knee surgery has left him with more pain and a lot of swelling, he can't manuever well on crutches and thus is spending his time getting around in a wheel chair, and with all his physical therapy appointments and the machine that moves his knee for 6 hours everyday, they won't be able to make it for Thanksgiving. We weren't sure how they were going to do it either, but they had been hopeful when we talked to them last Tuesday. So we weren't surprised but we were saddened.
We had a ton of fun with our friends from the ATL at Sea World. The girls got along well and were all in good moods, at least after Ladybug had a terrible fit and time out in the ladies room at Sea World first. I had to hold the door shut from the outside of the stall while leaning all my body weight back. The child is strong. Good side affect was that my back felt better afterwards. Bad side effect - I'm pretty sure that a ton of women think I'm evil because I let my child scream "let me out" and wail and all sorts of things. I got a lot of nasty looks. At one point, I wasn't a saint - Ladybug crawled out from the stall under the door and kicked my leg. I picked her up put her on the toilet seat and told her she was in time out because she was being a brat. Not one of my finer moments. But then I went on the other side of the door again, and held it shut and didn't say a word for the rest of the 3 minutes that seemed to be an eternity. Our friend was in the bathroom toward the end of the time out and she said that she thought I was doing really well... and I really needed to hear it at that point. : ) But after that, it was smooth sailing!
Their little man at all of 8 months old was the cutest thing! Even Mr. Darcy wanted to hold him and Mr. Darcy avoids holding babies. Not because he doesn't like them, but because he likes them and doesn't want to be tempted into having more of them. But he couldn't resist holding little C. I couldn't resist it either. A little guy who chews on your fingers and smiles at you with those teething gums showing is too much to resist. So I held him while he napped at one point. I resist holding babies alot because it makes me want them too. The irony was that the night before I had a dream that we had a baby boy and named him Benjamin. And sitting there holding the little C. man, I wanted another baby. Mr. Darcy even joked at dinner that we could have another one, and I told him he better not say things he doesn't mean. Later I told him I would like to have another one, and he said he'd need to think about it and let the idea sink in some. I'm guessing it's going to come back down to his not wanting another child because life is just sort of settling down with the girls. But I could be wrong, you never know... Either way, we had a great time with our friends.
I also had fun with the ladies I went to see "New Moon" with. The movie was good - at least if you've read the book. The acting wasn't terrible this time, so I actually enjoyed it. Fluff is a good thing at times, and this was definitely one of them. Afterwards we had coffee and chatted and it was a lot of fun. Then it was home to discover a naked Ladybug crying while Angelfish "helped" her Daddy try to fix their dressser drawer. Ladybug had an accident and was having trouble with the drawers when Mr. Darcy decided to fix it for her. Ladybug doesn't really like change (she's a lot like Mr. Darcy that way - has to let it sink in and decide whether or not she likes the idea of the change before embracing the change) so she was a bit worked up about the whole thing. Meanwhile, Angelfish was handing Mr. Darcy the screwdriver and screws and the tracks. She was loving it. It reminded me of when I was really little and built a birdhouse with my Poppop. Ladybug admitted she was upset about the drawers (especially since Mr. Darcy was rearranging the order of where clothing was so that she could reach it easier) and that if she was going to have a new drawer then she thought she needed all new underwear too. I told her that we couldn't have new underwear because money doesn't grow on trees and that we have to use what we have. She said okay and then I said "You just don't like change do you?" and she said, "No. Why do things have to change?" It was the sweetest thing. She got over it a little bit later when I took her to the grocery store alone with me. I had to laugh when we were in the car, pulling out of the driveway, and she said "why do you want me to go to the grocery store with you?" I told her that it was so we could spend some time one on one, so that she didn't have to share me with her sister or her Daddy. She seemed to like that, and we had a good time. So good that she forgave me without a 2nd thought when I completely forgot to get her cookie from the bakery for good behavior. She remembered right when I did and we were 1/2 way home.
I had a blast with the girls, with Mr. Darcy, with our friends this weekend!
I also had a chat with my Dad about my Mom and her biopsy situation. She hadn't told my Dad that she talked to me 3 times this week and she didn't tell him all the things she told me, and she didn't tell me all that she told him. He and I are both on the same page about the information we have that she's told us from the doctor. We both think there's a good chance that she has breast cancer, but we also are hopeful and think it could turn out to be nothing too. But we also realize that she's not just being a positive thinker at the moment... she's more like the Queen of Denial that this could be something "bad." Even if it is cancer, it's early enough that she'll be fine. We're a little worried that if the news is that it is cancer, she's not going to take it well despite her bravado of "and if it does turn out to be cancer, I've told them to just do a mastectomy." I know it's eating her up to have to wait until December 2nd for the biopsy and December 3rd for the results. But whatever the news, we will pull through. That is what we do.
It was kind of funny though. I said something on the phone to my Dad and it made a lot of sense with all that is going on. I told him that sometimes I get frustrated with them, but that doesn't mean that I don't love them. And that's sort of how I feel about my life right now. I get frustrated with life and it's bad news for my friend and the scare for my parents, but that doesn't mean I don't love life. In fact, I think it's because I do love it. I love the people in my life and I don't want bad things to happen to them.
But I also realized while writing this post in my insomniatic state that it also has to do with fear. I've always had 2 fears in my life. One was that my best would never be good enough. Good enough for what, I'm not always sure, but probably for people to keep loving me or for life to stay good or something. And the other is that I would end up alone. Cancer especially is a double threat for my fears. Reality is, even if I was a doctor or a researcher, I may not be able to find a cure for cancer. Just like as a lawyer, I may not be able to help find a cure with fundraising. My best efforts might not be good enough to save the life of someone I care about. Goodness knows that I couldn't save Angela, although she'd probably laugh at the idea of me wanting to be able to ride in on the white horse to save the day and remind me that even though it sucks I don't get to control everything. That job's already taken by the Big Guy Upstairs.
And second, cancer threatens my fear of being alone. I've never been the type to be with people who weren't good for me just to be with people, but I've always wanted to be with people who I liked and admired. I'm a "people person" - I like people despite the fact that there are some people who suck. There are just so many more that don't. And those in my life are the ones I want to be around. They definitely do not suck and are good to their cores. They're sometimes hard to find in this world, but when I find them I want to be around them. But cancer likes to take people away and to feed into that fear that I will end up alone in this world not being able to share life and its insanity and its beauty with someone. Maybe that's why I'm so selfish with my family time too. I'm an only child and when my parents are gone, I feel as though in some ways I'll be all alone in one aspect of my world. So I value all the time I can get with them.
Well, it goes to show that insomnia sometimes is a helpful counselor. It's when those fears bubble up that you can't sleep (even after 3 advil which normally put me to sleep) that sometimes you figure it all out.
The good news is that it is all positive. I will do what I can do to raise money and help others raise money for cancer research in whatever way I can. I will love the people I have in my life for the length of time that they are given to me to love. I will live in the moments of my life the best I can. I will accept (although I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with the idea) that there are things in this life that are outside of my control and that I have to trust in God's plan even when I don't understand it (and especially when I in my narrow view of the universe would think I'd make things be different). And if I end up alone, I will know that I did my best and that is really all that any of us can do and that no matter what the outcome it will just have to be good enough.
So now, after being awake in the middle of the night for more than 2 hours, I'm going to try to make myself sleep. I'll be taking the Little Ladies to school in a few hours, attempting to at least get 5-10 minutes of cardio and some weight training in before the work day starts (more cardio would be better of course, but I only have so many hours in the day), remember to water the plant on the front porch, work a full day, have a fun lunch with my friend J (if she's not scared off by my email disclaimer about Mr. Darcy's possible shingles), probably take care of Mr. Darcy a bit, feed and have fun with Angelfish and Ladybug this evening, and try to make up for my lost sleep by going to bed early.
I hope you all have a great Monday and that my tome here wasn't too overly depressing... there is joy for me in getting it out and realizing that I can do what I can do and that is empowerment in and of itself. So thanks for putting up with it!
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