The Things of Life

This may be a bit of a long post as I've been missing in alot of crazy, furied action the past few days.

It started last Friday afternoon when my work computer froze up on me.  I had to turn it off.  When I turned it on there was this message saying my computer was infected and I needed to run an antivirus.  So I did... thinking this was something from our security system.  Uh. No.  I should have called our support center to ask because it resulted in LOCK OUT.  As in, no more computer for you.  I tried to figure it out to no avail.  In the end I was told I'd have to ship my computer for fixing and I'd be lucky if they could save all my data.  Data that I haven't backed up in awhile because I have to use a flash drive and for whatever reason, this seems like the thing I tend to forget to do.  STRESS.

Saturday it was freezing.  Wind chill made it 28 degrees and 15 mph winds. We had our TNT training anyway.  Those of us who showed up were troopers.  We wanted to ride and run as planned.  Coach told us that if we started to get numb or tingly to head back.  I headed out on my bike, tried to get into aero and realized that in that sort of weather, aero is not a good idea.  Up on the bars, I'm riding.  We come to a decent size bridge, but nothing I can't handle on a normal day.  Unfortunately, this day is different.  The Wind is a headwind, straight on, I down shift and am eventually in the easiest gear and I'm pushing and pulling with my legs the hard.  My legs are starting to burn and I know I can make it to the top.  And Then.  The wind blows harder and blows me and the bike backwards.  I made it up to the point where I could turn around using the turn lane... about 4/5 of the way to top.  Wind blowing me backwards is a deal breaker because I am not exactly what one would call a small person.  Back down to the bottom of the hill and back to the start.  I tell Coach what happened, and then the other riders come trickling back.  We decided to call it a day.  And as my bottom will tell you, it was a good idea that we did.  You know it's too cold for a ride when you end up back in the car and your butt and legs are tingling because the blood is returning to them now that they're in a warmer place.

So I ended up at Target getting goodies for the Little Ladies for Valentine's Day and picking up the Valentine's carrot cake from the bakery that I had forgotten to pick up the afternoon before because of computer virus land.  It was so cold we stayed inside the rest of the day.

Sunday it was warmer.  After a little spat with Mr. Darcy, I went for my 9 mile run.  I think I need Mr. Darcy to make me angry before every race because I did the 9 mile run in 1:40:07.  For me, this is like I had a rocket pack on my back... I was doing my 5/1's.  Which means, I was booking it while thinking over the spat and how angry I was.  I got over it by mile 5, I think.  And then I just enjoyed the pretty day.  I used the closed road that I bike on at times.  It's funny how I never really noticed exactly how hilly that road is. Not major hills, just a lot of inclines and small hills.  I'll be out there again for a run or a bike at some time soon, I'm sure.  I'm glad that they haven't opened it yet, and am hoping for at least another year before it is opened officially.

Monday I had off.  Mr. Darcy took the day off as well and we sent the little ladies to daycare.  Mr. Darcy took them as I talked to the support center about where to send my laptop.  More discussion about data and whether it could be saved.  Then I was off to the place where I could overnight the laptop at an exorbitant price... switching to UPS from fed ex with tracking and delivery by 10:30 am was $150, which was a $57 savings from 8 am and using fed ex. Sigh. 

Mr. Darcy and I met up at the house and then went to the bakery to have breakfast... except we forgot that they are closed on Mondays.  So, no breakfast.  Next stop, the YMCA for our body fat and measurements.  I can't believe I'm going to put this on this blog, but I know I am doing it so I will hold myself accountable - my body fat was 34.1%.  The most frightening part about this to me, is that I know that my body composition has changed since last year... I'm really glad I don't know what my body fat used to be.  My goal is to drop it to 23% and keep it there.  I love the idea of getting it down to 20% during race season, but at present I'm going to focus on 23% that's a big drop to begin with.  I broke down in tears when I saw how much I weigh - although ironically it's 2 pounds lighter than last week at the doctor and all I've done is eat more.  And yesterday it was down another pound when they weighed me there.  Basically, it tells me that there is definitely something wrong with my metabolism and body right now - with all the training I do, the healthy eating that we do, the fact that I don't over eat but undereat (although I'm trying to remedy that too), I should not have gained 15 pounds over the past year.  It's almost like in some ways I have gained muscle but the fat just doesn't go away as fast as it does for other people. It's especially strange because I've gone from a 12/14 to a 10/12.  It really makes no sense.  I talked with the people at the Y for a bit and met their nutritionist who I am going to try to work with.  They told me it would be okay, but that's easy for them to say when they're not the one standing there with the fat sirens going off in their heads.

So to say the least, I was depressed.  Crying throughout the day.  Mr. Darcy was supportive and told me that I was doing my best and that's all he could ask for and that he knew I was doing all that I could.  Of  course, all I could think about is that I had 3 pieces of cake over the weekend and that while I don't normally even eat cake that this was the sign of a terrible person.  We went and played putt putt.  I enjoyed it but was kind of numb to it all at once.  Then I napped for a few hours and went to swim practice where we did speed work for the more advanced swimmers.  Swimming and talking to my Lil Sis after swim practice made me feel better.  Then watching of the winter olympics ensued.  I tracked my calories and saw that I could have eaten about 100 calories more.  Since I had to force feed myself during the day because the thought of eating when I was so heavy was really the last thing I wanted to do, and the fact that it turns out the TooJay's Mediterranean Turkey sandwich despite being on the "Heart Healthy" menu has 43 g of fat in it (which is decidedly NOT heart healthy), making my fat for the day a bit high, I figured I did okay.

Tuesday started out with a visit to the endocrinologist.  I thought that this would maybe help.  It didn't.  My cortisol is still super elevated at 25, my thyroid is testing in the high range of normal still, and the doctor pretty much said at first there was nothing that we needed to do.  I burst into tears and I told her that I know there is something wrong with me.  I eat whole grains, vegetables, fruit and lean proteins.  I told her what my workouts for the week are.  I told her that I've been tracking my calories and that I don't over eat and have a tendency to undereat.  I told her that I'm doing everything I possibly can do and I'm gaining weight not losing it.  I told her that I don't get hungry most days and have to eat by the clock (although now that I've been doing my best to reach that 1515 calories plus workout calories, I'm starting to get hungry sometimes).  And so she handed me a weight loss prescription for Phenamine and told me to up my metformin for the PCOS.  I asked her what it does and whether it was a good idea to take it while I'm training for a 1/2 marathon and triathlons.  She said yes, but to wait to start it until after I finish the 1/2 marathon in case I'm one of the 1% that gets heart palpatations.  I asked more questions and she got annoyed.  I told her I wasn't trying to be a pain, I just wanted to understand how this would fix the problem.  She told me it would make me lose weight and she'd check my cortisol levels and if they were still high then we'd put me on thyroid medicine too.  She told me to take the medicine for 4 months.  Something about the whole thing didn't sit right with me.  I called my doctor's office to talk to them because they sent me to this person to begin with.  I haven't heard back.  I looked on line abotu Phenamine.  It works like an amphetamine to suppress appetite (and I guess speed up your metabolism because that's what the doctor told me it would do) and can be habit forming if taken for longer than 3 months.  Why do you need to suppress the appetite of a woman who has no appetite to begin with?  And why in god's name would you prescribe an amphetamine like drug to a triathlete/endurance athlete?  It's like my spidey sense is all a tingle.  And how does this fix the problem that my cortisol is through the roof and my system doesn't seem to be working right?

So I've asked around for the names of good endocrinologists and have gotten 2 recommendations.  I've called the doctors office and asked for them to send copies of all of my test results from the past year.  And as soon as I get them, I am making an appointment with a different endocrinologist.  I'm getting a 2nd opinion and if need be a 3rd opinion.  I am not going to just let this go.  It's not just about losing weight for me.  This is about being healthy and making sure my body is okay.  I put it through a lot for my entertainment - triathlons and 1/2 marathons are not little weekend trots.  Yes, I desparately want to lose weight (35 pounds to be exact) and I desparately want to decrease my body fat composition.  But there is no way in H#LL I want to do it with a quick fix as a bandaid without figuring out what is wrong.  Heck, in the wait time I had for the doctor they had a thing about hypothyroidism and I had almost everything on the list.  No, thyroid medicine doesn't make you lose weight but it makes your system work right.  So maybe that would help the situation.  Or if it's not that, fine.  But what the heck is it?  So that ate me up (and still does).  I can't wait for those test copies to arrive so I can get another opinion.

In away it relates to the self defense class I went to last night for Junior League.  The police officer teaching it told us that when you get that, Hmm.  Something's not okay here that you need to listen to it because it will  help you.  Well, that's exactly what I'm feeling about the doctor right now.  Anyway.  The self defense class was great.  The first half focused on thinking through things, not ignoring your spidey sense, what predators look for, etc.  The 2nd half was about physical moves.  Awesome.

I also got a call yesterday about the laptop.  They had to completely reimage the machine because the virus was nasty and widespread.  BUT... they were able to save my data!  WHOO HOO!  That was the best piece of news I heard that day!  So now I anxiously await for my machine to be returned to me by the fed ex man. Oh Happy Day!

Oh yes, and the girls scout cookies are arriving.  2 boxes yesterday.  2 boxes on Thursday.  I think Mr. Darcy even bought 2 boxes from someone at his work.  I haven't eaten any yet.  I think my plan is to eat 1 or 2 every 3-4 days.  Mr. Darcy will devour them in the meantime, I'm sure, even though he says he plans to lower his body fat percentage too. I'd love to have his body fat percentage as it is.  It would be so much nicer than where I'm at now.  But it is what it is.

Today is a busy one (as usual).  8 am conference call, 1:30 conference call.  Track workout this evening.  Life in between.  Ladybug asked me if I was going to be home this evening.  I told her I had a run tonight, and she said "Okay.  You can do that today but can you be home tommorrow night?  I need some time."  I wanted to cry. 

Tomorrow is the scan with the lady issues.  Let's hope it goes better than Monday and Tuesday's appointments!  Tonight's run practice should be a good one.  Stress relief here I come!