Insomniatic Thoughts

Sometimes I just wonder why life is so crazy and difficult.  It sometimes seems like just when I get to point where I think I'm getting on track, something smacks into me. 

Last night it was the weight issued - it's been weighing on my mind. HAHAHA.  Well, it has but I couldn't resist the pun.  Yesterday, I realized that I was undereating and got myself to eat all of the calories for the day.  Granted, I did most of it at dinner - a late dinner at that because the speakers at last night's TNT Speaker Series talked a long time (but were really informative) - and I felt like I was overfull.  I'm definitely going to try to space things out better ebcause I felt (and still felt at 5:40 am this morning when I started this blog after fighting insomnia and giving in to writeemails for things that I needed to get out for mentor stuff and Junior Leagure stuff) rather full... perhaps uncomfortably full.  But then I guess that's what happens when you eat more calories in one meal than you've been eating for an entire day. 

So last night: I get home, I say that I feel really full but that I've been  underating and it needs to stop and that I have to eat all my calories everyday.  Pretty much give Mr. Darcy the whole bit that I put in my blog.  He cannot understand how undereating can possibly result in no weight loss or even weight gain because if you undereat then you're using more calories than you eat and that must mean you lose weight.  He even used the show "The Biggest Loser" as his example - he said that these people eat like 1500 calories a day and expend about 5000 and they lose a ton of weight.  I tried once more to explain the body's starvation response and he just doesn't buy it.  Here's an article from Livestrong.com that shows that this is what they tell you - if you undereat your body eventually thinks it's starving and saves every morsel you eat. (Of course, Mr. Darcy might point to some article he once read from the Mayo Clinic or something about how to lose weight you need to eat less than you expend, which is true but you can't undereat completely either.) I got fed up, yelled, and told him he had no right to talk to me about this stuff and that he has no clue what he's talking about.  Not the best way to handle it, I know. 

I am just so tired of hitting my head against a brick wall with this idea.  I have a hard enough time accepting the idea myself.  I honestly fear becoming really, really heavy.  I'm already heavy.  I'm fit, but I'm heavier than I feel like I should be.  I have doctors who tell me that the PCOS makes it next to impossible to lose weight, but I still can't cut myself a break about it.  I am at the point that I hate food.  I don't want to eat even though I know I need to eat to support my bodily functions,, my training, and to give me enough energy to take care of my family, etc.  When I eat something I enjoy, I feel guilty - even if it's eggs with low fat cheese and a bagel - and I worry if I'm going to gain more weight.  It's not always conscious but then when I go to eat something else I think things like I shouldn't have any more carbs today because I had that bagel and maybe I should not eat as much either just in case. And then I get this reinforced by Mr. Darcy that I'm doing something "wrong" by eating the "right" number of calories.  And it's not like I make up the number of calories each day - I use Daily Plate.com and I have it set to give me the calories that I should eat if I want to lose 1.5 pounds per week and I'm sedentary (which outside of training, I pretty much am) and then put in my workouts so each day I am eating the number of calories based on my activity level for the day. 

Coach even threw me under the bus (although not by name) in front of Sara McClarty and Mike Starr last night and they both talked about how undereating is a bad, bad thing and tha tnot only could you damage yourself if doing it while training, but you won't be nearly as successful performance wise,  you won't lose any weight and you might even gain some.

So while not being nice to Mr. Darcy because he just can't understand the concept of eating (but not overeating) to lose weight, I guess in a way I was kicking myself out of the room too.  I'm trying to make the good, healthy choice so that I can stop undereating and be healthier, lose weight and can be happier with the physical side of me too.  It's not an easy thing to do when your natural tendency is not to eat to begin with.  I don't need reinforcement of the "wrong" way of thinking.

I go Tuesday to the endocrinologist and I'm going to talk to her and see if there's anything I can take to lower my cortisol levels since they always run high (and high cortisol results in difficulty losing weight and even with weight gain), and I may see if she can refer me to a nutritionist who has experience with both PCOS patients and endurance athletes.  I feel like I need help from an expert - from someone that Mr. Darcy will believe too.  I need someone to tell me the right number of calories to eat, the right way to eat (i.e. proportion of carbs to protein to fats), and even give me some meal plan ideas. I know I'm using daily plate and taking Coach's advice, but somewhere that doesn't seem to be enough for me.  I'm at the point that I don't like to look in the mirror at my body and when I do I don't see anything good.  I literally day dream on a regular basis about what my stomach would look like if I had a tummy tuck.  It's not good.

But I'm trying to turn the corner.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be strong - physically  and emotionally.  I want to think that I am attractive because in truth I never believe it when people tell me that I look pretty, or nice or whatever. And for seome reason I never have.  I'd like to get to the point where I was so enlightened that the outer shell is just a casing for my consciousness and that whether thin or heavy I am accepting of myself.  I just have a long, long road to get there.

But maybe I can try to get a little sleep even though the alarm clock should have gone off already.  Or maybe I'll just get dressed for my 4 mile morning run, have some toast with laughing cow light and Polaners whole fruit preserves (just a tbsp), drink some water and head out for my run.