The Post that Started Yesterday...

I have been a busy girl and I started a post yesterday but it never got finished.  So now you get part of it and whatever meandered onto the page today too.

Friday night started us off with a trip to Target for some birthday present shopping for the girls' parties this past weekend, and then dinner.  And then, I quite literally, got the girls into bed and pretty much fell right to sleep myself.

6:30 am, while later than I get up on the week day, seemed to arrive all too quickly.  Luckily I had loaded up the car with my bike, etc. the night before.  So I ate my oatmeal, drank some water and headed on out to meet the Team in Training group for our group workout.  This team is definitely different than the last team I was on.  First, they're much more athletic to start out and second, they're punctual (if not early).  So even though I got there early, others were there too.  I chatted with a few people and then we set off on a 7 minute jog around the parking lot, and got on our bikes for our 14 mile ride.

I hate to admit this but it's been months since I had been on the tri bike, and I think the cycling gods were angry... so they sent us some lovely headwinds that were just down right terrible.  At one point my inner quad muscles were screaming for mercy, but I did not give up.  Of course, I ended up with a lot of gas bubbles under my rib cage and had to stop to let them out at one point, but my speed was good and I felt great on the bike (even in the face of the wind and thinking that this was my punishment for not riding like I should have over the past few month).  I did great and got back to the racks and started my 2 mile run... or what was supposed to be a 2 mile run.  It turned into a 1 mile run.  My shin splints were p.o'd beyond compare, a muscle on the outside of my shin that I didn't even know existed clamped down to the point that it felt like a rock was under my skin and shot pain down my leg, into my arch and down my 2nd toe.  It was misery.  I tried to keep going but even walking was excruciating, so I listened to my body and stopped.  I felt like a jerk for not finishing, but I also knew better.  I need my muscles to continue to train and when they act like that and won't losen back up even while walking, I need to call it a day.

So I went home and after some advice to wear compression sleeves, I put on a pant suit, heels and lovely pink compression sleeves underneath the pants.  I ended up standing a good bit of time while teaching my bit at the area wide training so I'm really glad I wore the compression sleeves.  Of course, it didn't make me feel good that the girls tried to convince me not to go to the area training because those college girls didnt' really need me.  But when I got home we spent a nice evening together.

Sunday we got up and it was chilly.  I really did not want to run but I knew I needed to just do the 8 miles.  I knew if I got out there I'd be just fine, but it was getting out there.  So I promised myself that if after the 1st mile my legs didn't feel good, I'd just go home.  Well, you know that didn't happen.  I reminded myself that Coach said this needed to be a relaxed pace run, somewhere between 90 to 100 minutes to finish.  And that's just what I did, rolling in at 1:33:04.  Taking 5 minutes of running and 1 minute of walking at a time.  8 miles down and I was glad I went out.

Then it was off to the girls' friend Z's birthday party.  This is the little boy that they argued over as to who he belonged to and who Ladybug swears she's going to marry.  I think if they said more than Hi to him, it was amazing.  But they had a great time kiddie bowling and being with their friends, and we had a nice time talking to some of the other parents.

We came home and I couldnt' tell you what it was that we did, but the next thing I knew we were heading out to our friends' super bowl party.  Where I literally ate a ton of food.  I couldn't understand it - I was standing there in front of the food and I just ate: tomatoes with mozzerella, salmon spread and crackers, some sort of sprouty non-mayonaised coleslaw, an entire sausage link from the grill, and mud pie.  It was nuts.

Yesterday morning, I took the girls to daycare for Mr. Darcy and then had to go get bloodwork done for the endocrinologist.  I will never again NOT have an appointment for bloodwork.  I got there about 7:30 am and didn't get out of there until 9:05 am.  Not good.  Then work was completely busy, I grabbed hardly anything to eat, and headed out to my doctor's appointment.

The good news is that they don't necessarily recommend removing my uterine lining.  The bad news is that my system is bit messed up and the doctor said that at some point in the future I will most likely have to have a hysterectomy but that we're going to do what we can to push that off until we have to.  That wasn't exactly what I was expecting to hear.  They also have no clue why I was having the bleeding last month because everything looked "great" on the pelvic ultrasound I had done.  The pain, that is the endometriosis.  So I'm going back for a hysterocopy next week and then we're going to determine what hormone treatment we're going to use.  I'm leaning toward the one without the "gaining weight as a side effect."  I told the doctor that with my PCOS I can't even get off the weight I have and I don't want to add to it.  He said he completely understood.  He also understood my not wanting to take anything that put me into chemical menopause or that deadened my pain receptors (the 2nd one on an account of being an endurance athlete).  I liked being on the same page.  Not necessarily looking forward to the scope, but hey.

Today I woke up, helped the little ladies get moving and had a fun time with Angelfish who until this morning has not wanted much of anything to do with me.  So it was great to get to play with her and love on her (and for her love on me too), even if she did accidentally knock my contact out of my eye with her thumb.  Then I headed out all happy like for my 14 mile bike ride.  Happiness!

I got home and Mr. Darcy was here waiting to go to the dentist (he'd already taken the little ladies in to daycare).  It was nice to get to chat with him a bit before starting the day.  Then I was sucked into the vortex of work again.  But I did get to send an email that I wrote this weekend.  Remember how I said I wanted to be that National Director position?  I re-thought it.  I thought about the girls and how I've been spending so much time being the Regional Director in the past few months and how it's effected them, how tired I've been, and especially how the job description that got emailed out said that it would require 10-15 hours PER WEEK.  And I realized that not only did I not want to do it but that I really needed to give up being the Regional too.  I needed to put myself and my family first.  It was really hard to do.  I love my sorority, but I need to step back for a little bit too.  So this morning I sent the note saying just that - not interested in the National Director (not like it was really mine to turn down, but I had told them I was going to apply) and after this term, no Regional either.  Mr. Darcy had read it and a good friend did too.  It was good to hear them both say that I needed to do what was best for me and that no one would think badly of me for not doing these positions.  I know they're right, but there's still this little piece of me that says "I hope they don't think badly of me."  But I know I did the right thing and that feels pretty good.

And then I started thinking about food.  I wasn't hungry, but I was thinking how could I weigh as much as I do according to the doctor's office.  Yeah, I had heels on but that can't be all of it.  So I added up what I ate last week and yesterday.  Except for Super Bowl Sunday, I didn't even hit 1,000 calories each day.  No wonder I weigh more (even though my clothes are looser).  My body saved every last thing I ate on Super Bowl Sunday because it thinks I'm starving.  I fessed up to Coach because pretty much, I needed someone to yell at me.  (And she went easier on me than I deserve.) Ever since I had the girls, I eat healthy foods for the most part, but the quantity is usually too low.  I don't do it on purpose.  I just get busy and grab whatever is there and veggies, low fat cheese sticks and V8 and such dont' have all that many calories.  So, I'm going to use Daily Plate and get myself to where I need to be eating.  Coach told me that I cannot get on the scale for the next 2 weeks because it's going to take a few weeks to get out of starvation mode, so I don't want to see any numbers.  I am going to sit down and workout some food plans for all of my meals and you all will get to see the number of calories I'm supposed to eat for the day and how many I actually ate (if I remember to post it).  I have to stop this craziness.  I can't lose weight by not eating even though I want to think I can.  And I need the energy for training and the family.

I begin today.  With the bike workout, I need to eat 1,916 calories according to Daily Plate.  So far, I've gotten to 685 with the fat percentage a little less than 15%.  But not to worry dear friends because this evening I'm going to a Speaker Series to see Sara McClarty (my favorite triathlete and a former olympic swimmer - she's an awesome swimmer and we know how I am about swimming) and a retired cyclist who I keep forgetting his name.  I'm not a big autograph person because I'm not really into the whole "I'm a fan of someone else thing." I admire people, but not into the hero worship.  But I'm excited to meet Sara McClarty.  Anyway.  They're having food donated and my plan is to have a Chipotle burrito, which according to their website (before they removed the information recently) has about 1,100 calories in it and just the right amount of fat, protein, etc. I may hit a little over 20% on the fat for the day which isn't perfect, but it's okay. 

Tonight I'll sit down with my cookbooks and Daily Plate and such and figure it all out.  I know when I'll be doing what for workouts for the rest of the week and I have a great article from Runner's World about some good pre-workout snacks and breakfasts.  So I can put together a good eating plan and grocery list, and then I'll just have to get the grocery shopping done after work tomorrow.  And then I'm gonna have to stick to this eat to lose thing.  And if my cortisol levels are high again (which I bet they will be), I'm going to ask the endocrinologist if there is anything I can take to lower it.  And I'm going to talk to Coach more about the meal supplements from Advocare and figure out how to make supplemental smoothies.  And if my books would arrive, I'll read those for good ideas too.  I'd rather do the whole food thing, but you know what? It doesn't seem to be working out that great with this nutty life of mine.

But I'm going to figure it out.  I'm determined.  I'm getting my house in order.  This self realization stuff is kind of cleansing. I don't know if it's the ever looming thought that I'm turning 35 in August, but I feel like this year I'm really taking a look at my life and what I'm doing and how I got where I am (and looking at where I am) and trying to figure out what it is that I really want. I've realized that I've done tons of stuff for other people just because they asked me to and I wanted them to like me or not to "let anyone down,"  and that I believed some stupid and mean things that people have said to me even after other people have said things to show and tell me that the meanies were wrong. It's like I'm trying to shed a skin that's not 100% mine but that has definitely made me who I am today and I'm trying to find the real me that is hanging out underneath and who pops out part of the time. I guess the easiest way to put it is I'm working my way through the cow manure to get to the flowers!  Yes, it's tough to face some of the demons in the closet at first (like those meanies and wanting to be liked and invited to do things, blah blah), but then very cleansing and liberating once you deal with your issues and move on.


I have a feeling that when I'm done and come out the other side I'm going to be happier and I may even be a force to be reckoned with (but in a good way). : )