Thank God that this morning was much more peaceful than yesterday! I didn't get to swim this morning, but I'm hopeful for a lunch time swim again today. If I did it yesterday, I should be able to get it done today. (Please Fate, turn your head from that little comment. )
Last night as I laid the girls down to bed, I asked them to make good choices for the morning. I asked them to choose to listen to their Mommy, to use the potty and get dressed nicely, and to wake up and choose to be happy. I told them that I would work on listening to what they said too and that I would work on being more patient. Yesterday afternoon was free of kicking and hitting, but I was short on patience and they were not listening overly well. We had a nice time watching "Word World" before bed though.
Then once they were in bed, I prayed. While I am not a big proselytizer, I need to share what happened next because it's as though God is talking to me. I asked for the strength to be more patient, to not be so quick to get frustrated, and to be shown the path to be a better parent. I was not feeling like the greatest Mom last night. Then I opened my Bible randomly. I do this from time to time and every time I read something that makes me feel like God is talking to me. Sort of like Gabriel Betteredge (the House Steward) does with Robinson Crusoe in The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins, if you've ever read it. (And if you haven't and like mysteries, I really recommend it. It was one of the first mysteries written.)
What I read said to seek solace in and find strength in God. That reminded me of the video that I saw last week of Team Hoyt doing an Iron Man on the Blog "My Life as a TriMommy." Then this morning I received an email from my old hairdresser in Atlanta and it too ended with the quote from Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." If that isn't a neon sign from God, I'm not really sure what is.
So to say the least this morning I am feeling blessed despite not getting to swim. I enjoyed my time with Angelfish and Ladybug this morning and am feeling thankful to have them in my life. Mr. Darcy appears to be missing me today because he left me a voice mail message while I was out taking the girls to daycare, then sent me an email with a picture of him from his cellphone saying "Thinking of You, "and then another with a picture of the conference room where he'll be spending his day of meetings. It is good to be loved.
I also discovered in my sleep that I'm upset with the owner of the bike shop I frequent. He is a nice person but a bit of a cycling snob and has a high opinion of himself. A few months back he wanted to swim with me so I could help him improve. I agreed and gave him the time and place of my next swim workout. He was shocked that I swam "over there" and I told him that I live "over there" (which I had told him several times before). I asked him didn't he ever wonder why I was always saying to him that it would take me about half an hour to get to his shop. His response was (and you can tell that this has bothered me subconsciously because I remember all of these details): "Well, you swim slow, bike slow and run slow, so I figure you just drive slow too."
At the time I just let it pass because these are the types of things he says from time to time. He also will ask you how much you weigh and tells you if he thinks you are losing weight. Evidently he also made some comment to Coach that the wetsuits wouldn't fit her or I because they'd be too small. So, he thinks we're fat too. In my case, fat and slow. Let me tell you how tempted I am to burst his ego with the fact that the wetsuit that worked for him is a WOMEN's size 12-16. He'd probably refuse to wear it afterwards, so I'm not going to do it because I'm trying to be the better person. But I find it funnier than can be. Normally it wouldn't be amusing but with the way his personality is, it makes it very funny.
He's supposed to ride with us during the 60 mile bike portion of our 60 bike/10 run brick this Sunday. Perhaps that's what set my subconscious off. In my sleep I told him what was what and that I could swim circles around him. In the dream, I used some words that my mother would call "sailor talk" to do so. I laughed about the dream when I remembered it yesterday while swimming, but it also told me something. Even my subconscious thinks that I can do the 70.3 and I'm not about to let anyone tell me differently.
So perhaps this is a morning of revelations. One much more peaceful than yesterday's. And I still plan to swim... at lunch time. (Update: I did my swim at lunch... 36:34 for 2000m! This eating all my calories thing must work.)
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
When Your Subconscious Gives You Perspective...
I figure it's time to sit up and pay attention. Last night I had a really awful dream. I was being held hostage with a group of people in a hotel while on a work trip by a crazy man who wanted to make sure we were "real Americans" by 1) making us take a test and 2) blowing us all up, no matter how well we did on the test. Here I was dressed nicely in a suit, looking rather good, and feeling like all I wanted to do was see my husband and my children again. Somehow at one point in my dream, I escaped to the parking lot where none of the cars would start but I had my cellphone and called Mr. Darcy to tell him that I loved him beyond anything in this world and that I loved our children more than I could express and that everything was going to be OK. I asked him to try to raise our children so that they always knew I loved each of them and would be proud of them, and that if he re-married in a few years after my death I completely understood but to please choose someone who would love our girls like their own, and that I knew that because our girls were so young that they would probably forget me but to try to let them always know how much I loved them, and that my life would have never been as good or as happy as it had been if it weren't for him. I told him that I was sorry we'd been having our issues lately and that what I really needed him to know was that I love him and our life together and I always would. That's when the crazy man caught up to me and forced me back into the building at gunpoint and I got to be the lucky lady to sit on the top of where the bomb was even though I had gotten a 100% on his little history test. Then I woke up.
So I made sure to tell Mr. Darcy how much I loved him. I didn't say anything about the getting re-married thing because well, that would only apply if I were DEAD, which I was most gratefully NOT. I did tell him I was sorry we'd been having issues and that I love him and our life together even if we fight sometimes. I hugged my children when they got up (Ladybug a little after she got up since she was in a bit of a mood and I gave her some space) and told them I love them.
I think that whatever this dream was about, it's about making sure that the people I love know it. I need to let go of whatever ideas I had about how things are supposed to be: time for myself, not having to be in charge of everyone else's life, food and schedules, things not having to fit into perfect little boxes of what I think they should belong in. Just be happy and love the time I have in my life and to make sure the people I love know they are loved.
So that's my plan. I hope to stick to it so that it won't take either a disaster or dreaming about a disaster to make me get back to the plan.
Luckily, I had a 1700 m swim today. The 3 x500s with negative splits for each helped get the jitters from the dream out, and help the mental plan stick. So, be sure to tell the people you love in your life that you love them today.
So I made sure to tell Mr. Darcy how much I loved him. I didn't say anything about the getting re-married thing because well, that would only apply if I were DEAD, which I was most gratefully NOT. I did tell him I was sorry we'd been having issues and that I love him and our life together even if we fight sometimes. I hugged my children when they got up (Ladybug a little after she got up since she was in a bit of a mood and I gave her some space) and told them I love them.
I think that whatever this dream was about, it's about making sure that the people I love know it. I need to let go of whatever ideas I had about how things are supposed to be: time for myself, not having to be in charge of everyone else's life, food and schedules, things not having to fit into perfect little boxes of what I think they should belong in. Just be happy and love the time I have in my life and to make sure the people I love know they are loved.
So that's my plan. I hope to stick to it so that it won't take either a disaster or dreaming about a disaster to make me get back to the plan.
Luckily, I had a 1700 m swim today. The 3 x500s with negative splits for each helped get the jitters from the dream out, and help the mental plan stick. So, be sure to tell the people you love in your life that you love them today.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
A Great Ride, an Emotional Jumble and a Deer
A Great Ride
This morning started with my workout. Let's just say one does get a little bit tired of being the only one on time. I made it down to the bike shop - where we were to meet for our morning ride - at 6 am. The ride was to leave at 6:30, but I had a 20 minute "run" keeping my heart rate down under 135. Jose was supposed to meet me but he wasn't there, so at 6:08 I decided to start running the parking lot for my 20 minutes. He eventually arrived while I was running and trying to mentally coax my heart rate back under 135. It wasn't working so I slowed to a brisk walk for a bit and then decided to run with him a bit, but when the heart rate alarm went off telling me I was in the upper heart rate zone at 162, I resumed briskly walking. I have a feeling my highest HR is higher than the 185 allotted. I'm going to have to get someone who knows what they're doing (hint, hint Coach) to help me do that so we can make my settings more personal instead of the average person setting. Anyway.
Then I waited around for the rest of the cyclists and we left around 7 am. Turned out we had to stop by another business park and pick up a few other people for the ride... all of whom were very good cyclists and who left me in the dust.
But, I still had a good ride. I have decided that I am no one else in the race but me. It's just me and my goals, not me and other people. Once I get better at this gig, then I will think about actually trying to beat other people. I was thrilled with today's ride and am even more in love with my bike! The bike computer was switched over from the old bike so I could really see what I could do. I probably could have switched to harder gears while riding today but 1) my workout dictated an easy ride and 2) I am still getting used to the new bike. In a medium gear, I was able to have a cadence of anywhere from 85 to 100 with ease, and I pretty much averaged around 17 to 17.5 mph. It was awesome! There were times that I was riding at 18 mph going up hill. At one point I was going 18.3 mph uphill, and then went 22.3 mph downhill. And this was an easy ride! How fast can I go in a harder gear, I wonder? I resisted the temptation to find out today, only because I know I have a 7 mile run scheduled for tomorrow morning and because Coach was out there riding too. It's like getting caught misbehaving by your Mom so I didn't bother to try to go all out. I didn't quite get to the 25 miles scheduled, but figured the 24.7 miles was close enough since we got a later start. The best part? I did it in around 1 1/2 hours. Go me!
an Emotional Jumble
On the way home I started thinking about yesterday's post and my post from last Friday. I realized that they might look a little bi-polar because in one, I mention how over all I have a good life with not much to complain about and then yesterday I was, well, sort of complaining. The thing is, both are true. I don't know where I got this idea in my head that my life should be more than ordinary to be a truly successfully lived life, but I did and that sticks with me.
By most standards, I would say I have a happy life: a husband who loves me, two wonderful children, a good job, a nice house, decent health, some dear and wonderful friends (who I miss because the don't live near me), and a love for triathlons and training for triathlons. But then there is this other standard that I also apply to my life: I need to do more than just exist on the planet. There is this entire world of stuff that is here for us to explore. I subscribe to an opinion stolen from The Color Purple, God doesn't care for it when we walk by a purple flower and don't even notice it. Of course, I apply that notion to people as well as things. I also think we need to look out for one another and that we are put in each others lives at just the right moment for a reason. So, that is why feeling tethered to my house raises all these problems for my happiness. I don't feel like I'm doing all that I can do for others, and I certainly do not feel like I am out there enjoying life to the fullest like I should be. This is not to say that I do not savor the moments with my children and my husband because I do. They are roses that I stop to smell too. It's just sometimes you need to explore a different garden... and my hope is to share the experiences with them. It certainly is not nearly as fun to see it all alone.
Maybe how I'm thinking about all of this is best described in what I've taken from the movies that have been my favorites in life. First, "It's a Wonderful Life" - we're all interconnected and being good for and to one another is one of the most important things in life. Everything we do touches the lives of another. Next, "The Dead Poets Society." I believe there is a line in the movie that says something along the lines of "seize the days, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." I think that pretty much sums that one up. "The Pirates of the Carribean": the quest for love and freedom should never stop even if you have to go to the ends of the earth and back, and you might as well have fun while doing it. "Amelie": there is someone for everyone and doing good things for others warms the soul - both yours and theirs. And then there's the multitude of books I love, but basically I like the books that have someone wanting the best for their lives and finding it in extraordinary ways, whether that be in love or other aspects of their lives.
Perhaps I set the standard too high. Or perhaps my efforts in reaching it have, as of late, been too low. I am not certain which it may be, but I do know that I have been trying to be the best me I can be each and every day. Somewhere in focusing on doing that, I've realized that to be truly happy I need "more" in my life. Bill and I talked last night about putting together a list of things we'd like to do in the area and to start doing them on the weekends. I think it's a good idea but would rather fly by the seat of my pants in doing it. Unfortunately, with two almost 3 year olds, Half Iron Man training, and a husband who doesn't mind doing things but would be just as happy tooling around the house all day, flying by the seat of my pants probably isn't going to cut it. So we'll try the list. We also are going to try to have lunch once a week to get me out of the house. And we're going to try to start working on our house (painting projects, etc) to really make it ours... probably during the work week evenings after the munchkins are in bed. I'm also going to join a group here in town that is a women's networking group that does charitable works in the community. A good way to meet people and feel like I am helping others to appease my psyche.
So, as I said in my post last week: I have a good life and I'm blessed in many ways. But truth be told, I still want more and I plan to find it. Figuring it all out is part of my life.
and A Deer
Last night we were finishing up dinner when out from the preserve behind our house came a beautiful deer. She was amber colored and had such a peaceful gait. Our neighbor put up a fence recently and I think the deer had planned to cut through the yard but the fence was in the way. So she stood, thinking (it appeared). We showed the girls and all watched quietly from inside the house - keeping our girls (and ourselves) from running out onto the back porch to get a closer look. I swear that the deer was looking right at me the entire time. Such beauty and peace. Such a wonderful moment. Then she just walked back into the preserve the same way she walked out.
Then Ladybug asked, "is an elephant going to come out next?" "a horse?" "a cow?" "a monkey?" She too seems to be looking for more.
This morning started with my workout. Let's just say one does get a little bit tired of being the only one on time. I made it down to the bike shop - where we were to meet for our morning ride - at 6 am. The ride was to leave at 6:30, but I had a 20 minute "run" keeping my heart rate down under 135. Jose was supposed to meet me but he wasn't there, so at 6:08 I decided to start running the parking lot for my 20 minutes. He eventually arrived while I was running and trying to mentally coax my heart rate back under 135. It wasn't working so I slowed to a brisk walk for a bit and then decided to run with him a bit, but when the heart rate alarm went off telling me I was in the upper heart rate zone at 162, I resumed briskly walking. I have a feeling my highest HR is higher than the 185 allotted. I'm going to have to get someone who knows what they're doing (hint, hint Coach) to help me do that so we can make my settings more personal instead of the average person setting. Anyway.
Then I waited around for the rest of the cyclists and we left around 7 am. Turned out we had to stop by another business park and pick up a few other people for the ride... all of whom were very good cyclists and who left me in the dust.
But, I still had a good ride. I have decided that I am no one else in the race but me. It's just me and my goals, not me and other people. Once I get better at this gig, then I will think about actually trying to beat other people. I was thrilled with today's ride and am even more in love with my bike! The bike computer was switched over from the old bike so I could really see what I could do. I probably could have switched to harder gears while riding today but 1) my workout dictated an easy ride and 2) I am still getting used to the new bike. In a medium gear, I was able to have a cadence of anywhere from 85 to 100 with ease, and I pretty much averaged around 17 to 17.5 mph. It was awesome! There were times that I was riding at 18 mph going up hill. At one point I was going 18.3 mph uphill, and then went 22.3 mph downhill. And this was an easy ride! How fast can I go in a harder gear, I wonder? I resisted the temptation to find out today, only because I know I have a 7 mile run scheduled for tomorrow morning and because Coach was out there riding too. It's like getting caught misbehaving by your Mom so I didn't bother to try to go all out. I didn't quite get to the 25 miles scheduled, but figured the 24.7 miles was close enough since we got a later start. The best part? I did it in around 1 1/2 hours. Go me!
an Emotional Jumble
On the way home I started thinking about yesterday's post and my post from last Friday. I realized that they might look a little bi-polar because in one, I mention how over all I have a good life with not much to complain about and then yesterday I was, well, sort of complaining. The thing is, both are true. I don't know where I got this idea in my head that my life should be more than ordinary to be a truly successfully lived life, but I did and that sticks with me.
By most standards, I would say I have a happy life: a husband who loves me, two wonderful children, a good job, a nice house, decent health, some dear and wonderful friends (who I miss because the don't live near me), and a love for triathlons and training for triathlons. But then there is this other standard that I also apply to my life: I need to do more than just exist on the planet. There is this entire world of stuff that is here for us to explore. I subscribe to an opinion stolen from The Color Purple, God doesn't care for it when we walk by a purple flower and don't even notice it. Of course, I apply that notion to people as well as things. I also think we need to look out for one another and that we are put in each others lives at just the right moment for a reason. So, that is why feeling tethered to my house raises all these problems for my happiness. I don't feel like I'm doing all that I can do for others, and I certainly do not feel like I am out there enjoying life to the fullest like I should be. This is not to say that I do not savor the moments with my children and my husband because I do. They are roses that I stop to smell too. It's just sometimes you need to explore a different garden... and my hope is to share the experiences with them. It certainly is not nearly as fun to see it all alone.
Maybe how I'm thinking about all of this is best described in what I've taken from the movies that have been my favorites in life. First, "It's a Wonderful Life" - we're all interconnected and being good for and to one another is one of the most important things in life. Everything we do touches the lives of another. Next, "The Dead Poets Society." I believe there is a line in the movie that says something along the lines of "seize the days, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." I think that pretty much sums that one up. "The Pirates of the Carribean": the quest for love and freedom should never stop even if you have to go to the ends of the earth and back, and you might as well have fun while doing it. "Amelie": there is someone for everyone and doing good things for others warms the soul - both yours and theirs. And then there's the multitude of books I love, but basically I like the books that have someone wanting the best for their lives and finding it in extraordinary ways, whether that be in love or other aspects of their lives.
Perhaps I set the standard too high. Or perhaps my efforts in reaching it have, as of late, been too low. I am not certain which it may be, but I do know that I have been trying to be the best me I can be each and every day. Somewhere in focusing on doing that, I've realized that to be truly happy I need "more" in my life. Bill and I talked last night about putting together a list of things we'd like to do in the area and to start doing them on the weekends. I think it's a good idea but would rather fly by the seat of my pants in doing it. Unfortunately, with two almost 3 year olds, Half Iron Man training, and a husband who doesn't mind doing things but would be just as happy tooling around the house all day, flying by the seat of my pants probably isn't going to cut it. So we'll try the list. We also are going to try to have lunch once a week to get me out of the house. And we're going to try to start working on our house (painting projects, etc) to really make it ours... probably during the work week evenings after the munchkins are in bed. I'm also going to join a group here in town that is a women's networking group that does charitable works in the community. A good way to meet people and feel like I am helping others to appease my psyche.
So, as I said in my post last week: I have a good life and I'm blessed in many ways. But truth be told, I still want more and I plan to find it. Figuring it all out is part of my life.
and A Deer
Last night we were finishing up dinner when out from the preserve behind our house came a beautiful deer. She was amber colored and had such a peaceful gait. Our neighbor put up a fence recently and I think the deer had planned to cut through the yard but the fence was in the way. So she stood, thinking (it appeared). We showed the girls and all watched quietly from inside the house - keeping our girls (and ourselves) from running out onto the back porch to get a closer look. I swear that the deer was looking right at me the entire time. Such beauty and peace. Such a wonderful moment. Then she just walked back into the preserve the same way she walked out.
Then Ladybug asked, "is an elephant going to come out next?" "a horse?" "a cow?" "a monkey?" She too seems to be looking for more.
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