Where to Start...

I really don't even know where to start with my thoughts today. So bear with me as this probably will be some sort of stream of consciousness stuff floating around in my head.

Yesterday I found out terrible news.  A friend, Doug, from my TNT tri team who had CML in remission with Gleevec and has been working toward a goal of completing each type of endurance event while raising money with TNT, found out yesterday that he is now Gleevec intolerant.  This means that he is no longer in remission and blood tests show that 77% of his white blood cells are cancerous.  Doug is one of the kindest, friendliest, funniest people you will meet in your life.  And now he has to go through the pain of sitting his children down again and telling them his cancer is back.  Then on Monday have a blood marrow biopsy and hope that they find a treatment that will work and get him back in remission.  Because if they can't he will have to have a blood marrow transplant... that his insurance won't cover.  I have been praying a lot since yesterday afternoon and I will pray more.  We're waiting to find out more after Monday's results, but we may be doing more than praying too.

The whole thing makes me angry.  Angry that the human body can be so wonderous and so self-destructive all at once.  Angry that a wonderful person like Doug has to endure cancer coming out of remission.  Angry that his insurance won't cover blood marrow transplants or drugs that are part of studies.  Angry that they can quantify money versus the attempt to save someone's life.  As Belle told me on the phone last night, cancer doesn't happen to mean people.  I'm angry about that too.  Everyone I've ever known to have cancer was/is wonderful.  Angela, my Granny, my Mom, my Mom's cousins, my Poppop, my Dad's stockbroker, Doug, my friend's little girl, Training Buddy, Coach, and Belle herself - just to name a few.

But it also makes me hopeful (in an angry sort of way).  Gleevec lets people go into remission and they're studying what causes the body to become intolerant of it.  So there's hope that one day others won't suffer.  There are also other drugs they can try to see if they will work.  Maybe one of them will.  Most of all is the outpouring of love that has come from those in TNT for Doug.  We're a bunch of doers.  We take our anger and our grief and we want to fix it.  We know we, in and of ourselves, cannot find the cure or make Doug's cancer go into remission.  But we all pray or send strengthening thoughts, we are already cooking up ideas for fundraisers for Doug and his family, we are already pissed off at cancer for trying to take our friend, and we are all letting Doug know how much we love and support him.

It makes me think even more about the fact that I am doing TNT again this coming year.  That I hopefully will get to be a mentor for my team, and that I will be raising money toward a cure.  But like I said, I'm a doer.  And I'm in that spot again that makes me feel like I am just not doing enough.  I read online about cancer and cancer treatments, I partake in legislative letter writing about cancer issues to try and get laws passed to help cancer research and cancer patients, but I hate not being able to fix it myself.  To stare into a microscope at the cells and come up with ideas about what to zap them with, bathe them in, etc. to kill the cancer or to turn off whatever that little mechanism is that makes the cell replicate without stopping like it should.  Or to be the one to give treatments to a patient and praying for wellness that could come from my actions.  And that makes me angry too.

I'm not sure what to do with all this anger.  My back is out and I'm in a ton of pain too.  Could be caused by stress.  I read that stress can make your back troubles worse. The resulting pain can definitely make you grumpy.  I'll probably end up at the chiropractor this afternoon.  I was trying to avoid it.  Trying to save the $25 co-pay since money is tight, but with this much stabbing sharp pain that takes my breath away I can't avoid it.  Not to mention I am feeling fat and ugly lately.  I feel like I get fatter every day now that I'm not training like I was for the 70.3.  So I'm cutting out all sugar, all sweets (other than fruit), and as much processed foods as I can starting today.  Not that I eat all that much of that stuff, but as of late we've had more ice cream and baked goods in our diet than we've had while I was training for the 70.3. So it's gone.  Plus I feel like I have no style, but refuse to spend money on clothes.  I watch What Not  to Wear and often think that I'd be a great candidate for their show.  I miss Angela.  And there's nothing I can do about it.

So I did the only thing I knew to do with my anger this morning.  I went to the pool.  Coach had a 2200 m continuous swim on my schedule as it was.  I have to say it was just about the most perfect thing that could have been on my schedule for today.  I ripped up the pool.  I even did flip turns for awhile because I was just wanting to shred the pool and work out all my anger.  Of course, after a bit my leg started to hurt so I stopped flip turning and returned to wall touching.  Amazingly my back didn't kill me while I swam.  I may have been too intent on swimming and working out the anger and the thoughts going through my head to notice though.  I didn't even notice that there was a 3rd person in the pool until I saw them when they were getting out of the pool and I was taking a breath to that side.  2200m in 45 minutes flat. Not too shabby.  I could have been faster, but I know I slowed down a little when my leg started to hurt and then sped up again when it stopped hurting again. 

If only I could get these other things not to hurt so much.  I have to accept I can do only what I can do and that God takes care of the rest.  As I said to someone yesterday, I have to accept that God has a plan and that all of this is somehow part of his plan.  I cannot understand why Doug (or any other cancer patient) suffering this way has to be part of the plan, but somehow it is.  And since God knows more than I do, I just have to find a way to accept it and do the part that God wants me to do.  But at the moment it is a bit hard to do.

I passed a church on the way to the pool whose sign said "Be thankful for the dirty dishes.  It means you have food."  I know what they mean... count your blessings and find them where you might not normally look.  So here goes with the best I can muster today.  1) I'm thankful for my back pain and my leg pain because it means I normally am pain free. 2) I'm thankful for cancer because it brought me to TNT and the friends I have made and for knowing there are others who want to do something to help find a cure and not just talk about it. 3) I'm thankful for feeling fat because it means I have the ability eat in overabundance. 4) I'm thankful for feeling like I have no style and don't buy new clothes because this means I am using my money for my family and not for selfish means.  5) I'm thankful for my Mom's situation with her cancer scare because it helps me realize how much I love her and don't want anything to happen to her. 6) I'm thankful for my anger because it's a good motivator and shows me that I'm alive and that I care.  I have to tell you though, I'm not really thankful for cancer.  I HATE cancer.  Cancer sucks and I'm sick of it messing with people in my life.

I do have a ton of things I am thankful for.  Mr. Darcy and the girls, especially.  The fact that I had Angela in my life as such a wonderful close friend since I was 12 so that I would know the pain of missing her.  The wonderful friends that I have.  And just so much more.

Sorry for the downer.  Hopefully the weekend will do its trick - wonderful friends, time with my wonderful husband and sweet girls, and time to let everything sink in and settle down.

I hope you have a great weekend!

Swimming & Recommitment

Last night was swim practice... a 25 minute long swim. We were told to get in the pool and warm up and then do a straight swim so that we could get out in 25 minutes and have our nutrition discussion. So, we swam and at the end we had to tell how many times we hit the 100 m mark. I did a 1200 in 25 minutes, and was one of the only ones to get to 1200. Another girl did also, but I was already out of the pool and waiting around when she got to the wall... and this is a girl that can solidly beat me on the running (and most likely the bike too). So, I felt pretty good about it all. As I've said before, if only there was more swimming involved in the tri!


Tonight is recommitment, which means that we are signing our papers to 100% be set for the triathlon and for our fundraising. A few things have happened in the past weeks that have made me even more steadfast in wanting to fundraise. First and foremost of these is that I keep coming across Angela's obituary. I put it in a drawer in my bathroom so it could flatten and stay safe until I have a chance to laminate it and put it in a scrapbook. And when I'm having one of those days or one of those moments (like yesterday seeing the scary photos of myself in tri gear plastered on facebook... having twins is not kind to one's body), I will come across her obituary and it brings different thoughts to mind. Yesterday, when I thought about those photos I remembered how Angela hated having her picture taken and now we all are sorry we have so few pictures of her, and while I still think they need to come up with some aerodynamic yet somehow figure flattering tri gear, I realized that those photos are good. The other day, I saw it in the morning while getting ready for my early Saturday morning workout and when I heard the mission moment about an honored hero who died this past week during his battle with Leukemia, I thought of Angela and how I know she and that other person's honored hero are at peace now. And then I thought about her when I saw "Slumdog Millionaire" this past weekend. I could have sworn the 3rd musketeer was D'Artangnan who while in the Three Musketeers is not in fact, one of them. And I told Bill, Angela would know. Another Team in Training cohort had an honored hero die last week too. Not to mention the lovely woman who gave us massages Saturday after practice to give back to us for raising money because she is battling Leukemia right now. Not to mention my own Mr. Darcy is waiting to hear back about some biopsies of some skin tissue... he's not worried about it, but I am and will be until I hear everything is just fine.

So, recommitment to Team in Training? I'm all about it. I can't say that there is anything else that I would want to do right now. Until there is a cure for cancer and people stop dying, there isn't enough that we can do. I have already surpassed the required fundraising and my initial goal of $3250. So, now my goal is to raise $5,000. I'm not quite sure how I'll be able to do that, but I am going to try anyway. I am hosting a fundraiser at California Pizza Kitchen on Tuesday, March 24th at the Waterford Lakes location. If you bring in the flyer that is included in this entry as a picture (just print it out), they will donate 20% of your bill to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society through Team in Training. Or, if you can't make it and want to donate (no donation is too small), visit: http://pages.teamintraining.org/cfl/miatri09/kmartinmou


And here's that flyer....

Saturday workout, a day of rest(?), and Monday night

Ahhh yes, the 1st Saturday workout. Saturday was quite the day. First, I overslept and then had to exceed the speedlimit to get to the practice. The practice itself was a good one. 15 miles on the bike (with a break at the 1/2 way point for us all to catch up and try our chosen power fuel) and then a 2 mile run. The bike left me bruised... not from the ride but from my over reacting to a car at a stop sign that appeared to first be rolling through the stopsign and then stomping on the breaks upon seeing me (which probably was more in my head than reality) and my slamming on only one of my brakes to stop (yes, folks, you need to slam on both. If you don't stop the back wheel too, you go over the front of the bike, like I did.). But both I and my bike are ok... I have a few bruises here and there but all in all am just fine (other than a bit of embarrassment). And I have to admit, I didn't run the entire 2 miles at the end. I was a little sore from the fall and my one leg was clamping down a bit so I walked a little but ran most of the 2 miles. I will get there, though.

Sunday was my rest day, which was good because Saturday night I couldn't keep my eyes open past 7:30 pm to save my life. I had to be woken up to help put the girls to bed after the end of their movie! And as soon as they were down for bed, I was too! Sunday we played a little around the house, the girls rode their bikes and we "played" frisbee golf in the park across the street. Then we got the bright idea to go to Sea World. So we loaded up in the car, tried to start it and funny sounds came from the car but it didn't start. So, we tried to jump start it. Nothing doing. So Mr. Darcy took a movie of what the engine was doing and we looked up the number for a Toyota dealership that had a maintenance department not too far in case we had to tow the car there. On our way to lunch in the mini-van, Mr. Darcy called the service department at the dealership and the person told him that it sounded like a dead battery and to call this other number to have it towed over. Instead, I convinced Mr. Darcy that if it was just a dead battery, we could buy one and replace it ourselves which would be much less expensive than towing the car just to replace a battery. So, we had lunch, got a battery from Advanced Auto Parts, Mr. Darcy replaced the battery, the car turned on (and did so again this morning since Mr. Darcy was able to leave for work), did a couple errands (in the mini-van just in case) including getting Joe Friel's The Triathelete's Training Bible (the 3rd edition that just came out at the beginning of the month), got some ice cream, and headed home. Ladybug(who has a memory like an elephant) though remembered that we were supposed to get to see Shamu... crying ensued despite promises to see Shamu another day until Mommy pulled out the trump card... "Beauty and the Beast" (Ladybug's favorite movie at the moment). Shamu was forgotten and the day was saved! Go SuperMOM (with help from Super Dad of course)!

It is always strange to wake up on a Monday morning and not hit the gym, but now that Team in Training group swims are Monday evening, it is something I'm having to adjust to. So, Mr. Darcy was in a bit of a crabby mood brought on by not getting up early enough to deal with 2 grumpy girls that didn't want to get out of bed, eat breakfast, or get dressed. I managed to get the girls dressed, kick him out of the house, get the girls to eat (and have fun while doing it), and take them to school while chatting up a storm, shower and dress, eat breakfast myself, pack my bag for my group swim workout this evening and do this blog! I still missed the gym though.

Before practice, and hopefully during lunch today, I plan to get a few things from Target, buy a kickboard from Sports Authority and hit California Pizza Kitchen up to set up a day where 20% of the sales for the day will go toward my fundraising for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I also plan to ask Publix if I can set up a table one weekend so that I can try to get donations as well. Wish me luck!

The day after Gator Gallop...

It's the day after Gator Gallop and I can still move! I wasn't even achy. I ended up staying the night at Lauren's (Mr. Darcyis super cool) because she had an extra ticket to Gator Growl - I haven't been in forever. It was a lot of fun, but a little strange to be on the alumni side of things. Steve Miller Band did a good job and the comedian was pretty funny too, but the ones "back in the day" are still my favorites. So, this morning Lauren and I did a 3 mile walk before I left to come home to Bill and the little bits. When I got home, Mr. Darcy and I decided to take Angelfish and Ladybug to Animal Kingdom. We had a blast. I'm a bit tired from all the walking with that, but it was great. The girls loved the animals (although Ladybug wasn't overly thrilled with the end of the safari ride when you go at 35 mph and there are gun shots because you're supposedly chasing poachers) and we were able to get some more great shots of the girls with the characters. It's still a little old for them in many ways, but we had a great afternoon there. Then it was dinner, playing at home, and bedtime for the ladybugs...

Tommorrow is a "brick" day (working out in 2 of the 3 sports in the tri in the same session) and then shopping with a friend. Also, I've decided definitely to do the International length triathlon in May to support The Leukemia & Lymphoma society (and Mr. Darcy is fully on board with it too). So there will definitely be more postings.