A Few Quick Things Angela Would Have Loved...

... or been completely appalled by.

A few things came across my computer screen today while lunching that I had to share because I've been writing about Angela, and these things made me think of her today. Perhaps she is helping me find things to be amused about today.

1. This blog: http://overheardlines.blogspot.com/ It consists completely of quotes that people overhear from others. Sort of like my re-creations of my girls' conversations, but funnier. Much much funnier. I can almost hear what her commentary would have been. I am now a follower of this blog.

2. A book that I saw on another blog today, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. For the huge Jane Austen fans that we are, Angela also liked the macabre. I can't decide exactly what she would have thought here. I'm of two minds about it myself. It's sacriledge on one level to such a great work, and yet something that is both disturbing and intriguing and you wonder where it will go. (Even more intriguing is that it has allegedly gotten good reviews.) I can't decide if she would be asking the gods to curse the author or signing up for his fan club. Visit http://tidingsofmagpies.blogspot.com/2009/03/im-telling-you-i-cant-make-this-stuff.html for an exerpt to form your own opinion.

3. That the first article of the day that I saw had to deal with triathlons... but not in a good way. Evidently you are twice as likely to die of heart attack while doing a triathlon than you are if you do a marathon. 15 in 1 million participants. Still a low probability but high in irony. When you think of triathletes you don't think coronary waiting to happen. Evidently it's the swim... cold water makes you have constricted blood vessels which can aggravate existing but unknown heart problems and well, you get the picture. She would have a laugh about it all and then warn me to be extra careful.

The Speed of Life

This week has been so busy I've rather felt on the edge of screaming, tearing my hair out and/or throwing a temper tantrum like a two year old. Not only have I had a million things to do but I felt like somehow I wasn't doing enough of something. What the something is, I'm not quite sure. But oddly enough, I think it just came to me. The answer is living.

The past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my friend Angela and how I miss her. It's not a constant thought stream but random bits here and there. Tuesday night I had a dream that it was night and I was in a car accident (which is ironic because when I was about 13, I had a premonition that I would die in a car accident at night while driving. It came to me while being driven home from babysitting - we'll have to see how that plays out...). In my dream, Angela was there looking at me and told me, "You're ok but if you don't pay attention you're going to miss something important." That whole day I thought of her in odd moments and tried to figure out what she was talking about in my dream. On the bike yesterday (I did the stationary bike because it was too dark out that morning), when I got to 25 miles I thought to myself I could do an extra 5 because it was alot easier than what Angela went through and that I had the time. The day before I just kept thinking of Angela - again random spottings of things. Today the thoughts didn't come in the pool during my swim workout or when I was arguing with Mr. Darcy or rushing around trying to get laundry done, passports signed and mailed, or taking things forgotten to daycare, but when I was driving home from it all. When I got home I thought I'd do my blog really quickly and I looked online and there were postings on her sister Anna's Blog (Little Maverick's) and on Liz's blog (Mabel's House) about Angela too. Just now, while typing, I have an image that appeared in my head of her smiling and walking through a beautiful meadow with pink and yellow flowers.

I think Angela is trying to tell each of us something. It is probably different for each of us and the same too. I think she's telling us to be in each other's lives. To be connected to one another the way that she was connected with each of us. Desparately looking for Anna's missing blog pieces and wondering if she's ok when she's not blogging and dedicated reading of Liz's blogs must not be what Angela is envisioning. Why else talk to all of us around the same time? No, I'm not talking about ghostly visitations, although I wouldn't put it past Angela to do that to us if we're not complying with her wishes... she could get huffy from time to time. But I think our loved ones who have passed on do visit us in some ways when we need it.

For me, I think I just realized what Angela was trying to tell me in my dream. Slow down. Yes, you have a million things to do and they all seem "important." But the most important thing I need to be doing is living my life - not worrying about what errand "must" get done or whether my passport will arrive "in time" without expediting or getting it out today, not worrying about whether the house is clean enough, or whether the girls are listening when they should be, or whether Mr. Darcy is going to cut a hole in my walls for his new tv. She's telling me that's not what matters. She's telling me I'll miss my life, my time with my children and my husband, if I keep scurring around like this. At the end, which will come all too soon whether it's tomorrow of 80 years from now, if I haven't lived then that will be the true accident. How do I know this is what she's telling me? Confirmation in the form of the tears running down my face and the warmness on my back and in my chest as though someone is holding me tight and telling me everything is going to be okay as I bawl like a baby.

I love you, Angela. I will endeavor to look for what is truly important each day and to live - not just survive. "Funny" how even though you're "gone" from this life you're still letting me know the what's what just like you did when you were "here."

A Changed Woman

I am a changed woman. This morning I ran 5 miles in 50:32 (which included 2 short stints of walking due to my ever present shin splints). While not a world record pace, it is a personal record on several levels. Two months ago, I would not have been able to run 5 miles. Four months ago, running 3 minutes straight was super hard and tedious. So just be able to finish the 5 miles (that I painstakingly plotted out to make a loop in my neighborhood - thanks to google maps) is a feat. Being able to do it at a less than an 11 minute mile pace, even more to my amazement. Add on that the fact that I actually enjoyed the run, despite sweating buckets, and felt good at the end of it, and I am a new person all together. As readers of my blog can attest I have proclaimed on many occasions to hate running. Then we moved to not minding it, and now I have admitted that I actually enjoyed a 5 mile run. What is this world coming to?

In other news, I had lunch today at California Pizza Kitchen with my neighbor. She is wonderful and even though we don't know each other well, it feels as though we have known each other forever. She has 2 children - a baby who is now probably about 6 or 7 months old and a little boy just a bit older than Angelfish & Ladybug. I had a blast and hope we will get to spend more time together. It's been awhile since I felt right at home with someone and that I could talk to them without realizing how long we'd been talking. Perhaps the funniest part of the lunch was transportation. We had spoken this morning and I said that I would drive, and then just before we had arranged to leave I discovered I couldn't find my keys. I called Bill and lo and behold, he had not 1 but 2 sets of keys in his pocket. So my neighbor drove and told me how her husband has done that to her before too. (Oh, and she also told me that I look great and look like I've lost a lot of weight. That always puts a smile on a girls' face.)

I've also decided to take my social life (or lack thereof) into my own hands. Yes, I am determined to make friends in this city of Orlando. I have decided that I will join Junior League. I went to a meeting a few months ago, right when I was deciding to do Team in Training, and put it off because I didn't think it would be a good idea to try to do both. At the meeting I met some very nice women - mostly professionals around my age with children or at least married who like children. So, I'm going to another information session in a few weeks and plan to join. A volunteer group that also helps you grow as a person and provides you with socializing opportunities - what more could I ask for? Plus, I am starting a book club with a friend. I love to read and now I will have to make time for it again (other than reading about triathlon skills).

Not to worry though, I still plan to train for and compete in triathlons. I don't think I could give it up if you tried to make me. I love it too much. I love the alternating days of swimming, running and biking, and the fear, thrills and nerves associated with race day. A few short months and there you are - a triathlete who enjoys a 5 mile run.

I keep thinking of Angela today. Perhaps it is due to a blog entry on a Tiding of Magpies that I read about finding time to write. Angela was a writer. She wrote stories about two overly intelligent sisters who get into a mess of trouble on trips with their academic parents. They were wonderful stories. I so wish she could have been published before she passed. Her blog is still up... Tea with Mrs. Fox. She posted some stories there before one of her last surgeries. You should take a peek.

Until tomorrow...

A Wild Ride...

My absence from my postings can only be explained, dear readers, as one big wild ride taking the form of life. It has been such a ride that I barely can remember where I left off. So, do forgive if I repeat or leave off anything. Friday morning I went for a 30 minute run and when I returned I called the doctor's office to make an appointment for Ladybug because she had something on her bottom that started out looking like a bug bite and had swollen to the size of an extra large egg, and both Thursday evening and Friday morning I had squeezed out a large amount of pus... due to past experience with Angelfish, I was pretty sure she had a staph infection. I got a 10:30 am appointment for our darling, worked until 9:45 am, and then left thinking we'd be visiting the doctor and getting a prescription for an antibiotic. But, life had other plans.

When I picked Ladybug up from daycare (the area was covered and not oozing, and these things are not contagious unless you get pus in an open wound and don't bother to wash and your body doesn't get rid of it first) she was limping because she was in pain. She was a trooper and waited for 1/2 an hour to see the Nurse Practitioner who after talking to me and taking a look at the area told me that we needed to go to the ER at Arnold Palmer Children's Hospital to have it surgically drained. At this point, Ladybug was in pain so much that the Nurse Practitioner told me they would probably need to sedate her as well. After pulling myself together, getting directions to the hospital, and calling Mr. Darcy we were off to the hospital. The staff at Arnold Palmer was awesome. They were kind and gentle with Ladybug, answered all of our questions and even took care of us a little bit... which was a good thing.

The doctor took a look at Ladybug and said she needed a consult from another doctor because the location and size was border line on needing surgery versus just a draining. Luckily, the other doctor determined that it just needed the draining. We had to wait a little while for them to drain it because Ladybug had a cookie and juice at her Valentine's Day party that she finished when I picked her up. But that was ok because Ladybug needed a nap and I got to hold her in the hospital bed (she wouldn't lay on her back because it hurt) and nap with her for a few hours while Mr. Darcy worked via his blackberry. The doctors explained the twilight drugs they were going to use, how the procedure would be performed, who all would be in the room (2 doctors, a respitory therapist, a nurse, and a tech), everything she would be hooked up to, etc. We signed all the releases and were allowed to stay in the room (after promising not to freak out and to remain seated throughout the procedure) during the procedure. It was a little bit of an out of body experience in watching it - I think my brain made me distance myself from the fact that they were cutting into my baby and pulling a tube through the abscess while draining junk out of her. But I couldn't leave the room and leave her alone in there with people she didn't know (even if she didn't know what was going on and wouldn't remember anything because of the drugs).

She came out of the medicine just fine and the procedure with no problems. They were able to drain enough stuff out that the abscess was now 1/2 the size from when they started. We were given care instructions and stayed several more hours to make sure her vitals stayed where they needed to be, her heart rate decreased (the medicine caused it to speed up - it does that with everyone), and we made sure she could not only keep Gatorade (or "alligator juice" as our girls call it) down but whole food too. We left around 6:30 pm and she was her happy, normal self and didn't limp anymore. More stuff has drained and warm compresses and warm baths have been used - along with that prescription for antibiotics that I initially expected. She is left with a blue plastic loop in her leg that leaves it open for draining, and is not able to go to daycare because we have to do those compresses and baths throughout the day to ensure the infection goes away.

Turns out that it is true that the medicine didn't let her remember anything - I had my doubts. But, Monday morning she and Angelfish were playing and decided to take off their pullups. When Ladybug took hers off, she saw the blue loop for the first time and completely freaked out. She was holding her legs and body strange, crying and looking panicked. Explaining why it was there, that it would not stay there forever, etc. calmed her down but was a little traumatic for Mommy to see her little one so panicked. I had the day off from work, so bringing supplies with me, Ladybug & I headed to Disney for a few hours... I figured she needed to be spoiled a bit after all that and it might help Mommy to relax a bit too. We had a lovely time - I let Ladybug do whatever she wanted (activity wise)... so we watched a show with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, and the Princesses and some dancers; went to story time with Belle; met Princess Aurora, Cinderella, and Belle; met and hugged Minnie & Mickey Mouse; loved on Goofy; ate lunch; and rode Cinderella's carousel before heading home. She was so tired that she fell asleep on my shoulder while waiting in line for the monorail... and she LOVES riding the monorail. When we got home and she woke up she had play time in a warm bath.

Despite all this, I still made Saturday morning's team workout (no, we didn't go out of town for that romantic weekend while the girls stayed with Mr. Darcy's parents as originally planned ... I had a hard enough time going to my team workout, let alone sticking with the idea of an overnight trip away). A 15 mile bike and a 3 mile run. It was good to work some of the stress and concern out.... even if I did check my cellphone 3 times to make sure no one called telling me to come home or meet them at the hospital. Afterwards was a bike clinic, which was good - I learned a little about bike maintenance and talked with a woman who is an accomplished cyclist about bikes, etc. (And saw yet more bikes to lust after.)

Monday night's swim workout didn't happen because Mr. Darcy had a meeting run long at work, but my shin splints are back (although not as bad as the last time) so instead of doing the 4 mile run Tuesday, I did the swim workout to give my body a chance to try to repair itself. My mother-in-law has been wonderful to come and stay with us this week, which has also helped. She is spending the days with Ladybug while I work and stays with her in the morning after Mr. Darcy leaves and I train for the triathlon. She is amazingly patient and kind, even when Ladybug is grumpy.

This morning I did a 15 mile bike ride (note to self don't forget the 3 sets of pushups you need to do!), and part way through the ride it dawned on me.... today is February 18th.

(Rebecca & Angela - taken by Liz Owen)
My dearest friend Angela, the one I've written about and who died from sarcoma and inspired me to do Team in Training, would have been 34 today. Normally, I would have sent a card, an e-card and perhaps even called to at least leave a badly sung rendition of "Happy Birthday" on her voice mail. And now, I don't even know what to do. I miss her and am contemplating having birthday cake after dinner in her honor, but that just seems like such an empty gesture... I just have no idea what else to do. I know she is happy and pain free where she is now, but I miss her so. Her sister Anna wrote an ode to her sister on her blog today... and it brought tears to my eyes because I know how much I miss Angela, but I cannot even imagine what pain her sister, her husband, her mother, and her father are feeling today and feel so helpless in that there is nothing I can do for any of them. And then at the same time, I feel like Angela would be touched but would tell me to stop being so sorry for myself... so, I think I will have that birthday cake for her and celebrate the life that I have because I know that Angela would want that for me. Happy Birthday, Angela. I love you.

Back from Little Rock...

Angela's funeral was yesterday (Wednesday) and there was a visitation Tuesday evening as well. It was nice to be able to see those who knew and loved Angela and to be able to reminisce about the way she was. I got to know Bryan's parents a bit too (very lovely people) and one of Bryan's good friends from college. It was good to be able to spend time with them and not be alone waiting for the events to happen. We all have such wonderful memories of Angela, and at times I felt like she was just going to walk around the corner and say hey and sit down for a chat.

I think the eulogy I gave went well - many people said it was good and the best compliment was that I did Angela proud.... which was my aim. I feel a bit more at peace after the funeral and know that Angela is with God and is no longer in pain and is at peace... and if I play my cards right I'll get to join her in heaven some day too. : )

While in Little Rock, I worked out some. Wednesday morning I got up and swam a mile in a rather interesting pool. It was half the size of the pool I've been training in, so I had to do twice as many laps... and the pool went from 3 ft deep at the shallow end to 5 ft deep at the "deep" end. So there were times when I was dragging my knuckles on the bottom of the pool! It made me laugh a bit. This morning, I went on a 40 minute bike ride which was nice and invigorating and helped me get back in the swing of things on the bike. I must say biking is very fun and I've missed it. Of course, I started thinking how nice it would be to have a road bike instead of a hybrid, but I need to keep those thoughts at bay because road bikes are not exactly inexpensive.

Somewhere between leaving the church yesterday, flying home, and arriving home from the airport around 1 am last night I lost my voice. If you see it, please tell it that I miss it and would like it to come home! Tomorrow I hope to do a run and swim combo at the gym... maybe I'll find my voice along the road somewhere! : )

Angela King Kinder

One of my best friends in the world, the one I have mentioned as my inspiration for my international length triathlon to raise money for cancer research, Angela King Kinder died Sunday, December 14th at 12:40 am. She is survived by her husband, Bryan; her father, her mother, her sister, and a step-father and many others who loved her very much.

I didn't work out today because I was up last night thinking about her and trying to put the finishing touches on her eulogy and got little sleep. Tonight I'm up making plans for flights, cars, and hotels without it seeming real at all. Everything is a bit numb. We took the girls to Disney today because Megan has been talking about it for almost the entire week without any prodding from us, and we took them to see Santa for the 1st time. (Megan marched right up and sat with him but Amanda who had been chomping at the bit to see him while in line had to be held next to him.) It was fun to see their faces light up, but at the same time it seemed surreal and as though I wasn't truly there. I know Angela would want me to live each day to the fullest, but I guess I just need some time to grieve. The only solace I have is that she is now at peace and is whole again and truly cancer free. But I will miss my dear friend... her emails and calls, and having our mid-life crises together (whenever that will be) as we had always planned. For a long time we talked via email at least once a week, and I will miss her insight and her wit.

Once I have mourned my loss, I will celebrate her life. Her favorite holiday was Halloween and I will be certain to do Halloween up right every year from now on. And at some point, I will take my children to Japan because it was a place that Angela always wanted to visit but did not get a chance to go. And I hope in some way I will be able to spread awareness of sarcoma - the cancer of the connective tissue that in 1/2 of its victims is completely resistent to chemotherapy and radiation - like it was in Angela. There's not alot known about sarcoma because only 10,000 people each year get it in the United States so not much research is done about it. The problem is, that statistically 50% will die and depending on the type of sarcoma you are diagnosed with (in Angela's case high level, undifferentiated sarcoma) you're the ones who will make up that 50%... and many times it's not even diagnosed in time because it's thought it might be another kind of cancer at first. It doesn't have to mestastize to kill either. You have one tumor and have a biopsy done before removing it, and that seems to be enough for this killer to spread. Angela's started with a tumor in her forearm. After a 2nd biopsy, intensive radiation and chemotherapy (which left it unchanged), it was removed. 3 months later it appeared for the 1st time in the lining of her lung. Then a 2nd time. And during the surgery to remove the 2nd lung tumor, as it was being removed it burst. Her chest cavity was flushed with water to remove and cleanse as much as possible, but a short time later another tumor appeared on her lung and one on the connective tissue surrounding her heart. She had a 2nd round of terribly intensive chemotherapy (the 1st was with the one in her forearm and had been coupled with radiation) which did nothing to stop the tumors from growing but made her violently ill (despite the anti-nauseas medicine). When the scans showed that the tumors had continued to grow and that the one on her heart was essentially the size of her heart now, she decided to take the remaining time she had and life it to the fullest she could. She ate sushi at her favorite place (several times), had a peach cobbler a neighbor made her, and spent as much time as she could with her husband. And about 1 month later she passed away. She was so brave in her decision and her only fear was that she would upset those she loved, especially her husband, in wanting to end chemo. But he knew she was in pain and miserable and didn't want to be that way at the end and his love for her supported her decision.

So, as you see, my triathlon training is nothing in comparison to what she and he endure(d). May she rest in peace for eternity. She will live in my heart all my days.

Love to all.